The following snippet of a larger conversation with my 6-year-old son D- is twofold evidence that he is undoubtedly my son:
Me (advising him externally and myself internally): ...Whenever something seems like it's going to be hard, you just quit before you even start.
D-: No, I don't! I START things, and when it seems hard, THEN I quit.
Here are some recent quotes, this time just from my 3-year-old daughter M-:
M- (in response to helpful advice from her 6-year-old brother D- during a game with dolls): I know-- I'm careful with babies. ...But sometimes I bop them.
M- (shouting at D-, on more than one occasion): I'm NOT going to MARRY you anyMORE!
M- (apropos of nothing, while playing outside): My kids, when I have them, will have to work all day.
M- (using the The Tattling Voice): D- is tattling on me!
M- (having just walked up to me, using a conversational tone): I threw my baby in the dungeon, because at the rate she was going? She was going to JAIL. At the rate she was going...
M- (informing us of a little bit of obscure trivia): You know what chicken is made from? ... It's chickens!
It's been six months now since we moved out to the middle of these Illinois cornfields from the near-northwest Chicago suburbs (where I spent most of my life), so I figure now's a good time to look back on what we've learned.
1. People consider the "neighborhood" an amorphous area of about 5 square miles around you, and everyone within that space and even beyond will know everything about you that anyone can find out.
2. All of those people will do anything they can to make your time on this Earth more bearable, at any time of day or night.
3. When Jehovah's Witnesses don't manage to catch you at home, they will hand write a personalized letter to enclose with the pamphlet they mail you instead.
4. Feed corn is nowhere near as delicious as sweet corn, but feed corn is all anyone wants to grow.
5. If Nature loves you, then a scraggly-looking stand of bush-like trees surrounded by tall weeds can turn out to actually be a few mulberry trees grown together... and mulberry pie is easy to make and extremely delicious*... and because of this, the weed-free stand of noble arbors will begin to look more and more beautiful to you every day.
6. I must get some livestock. I just HAVE to! Conveniently, I also find myself really wanting to.
7. The slow pace of life and constant contact with the cycles of Nature can turn you into an 80-year-old surprisingly quickly. Suspenders seem practical, TV seems unnecessary and loud, everything is more satisfying when done yourself, and a bout of shingles is apparently par for the course.**
8. Children can entertain themselves for a surprisingly long time right in your yard. Just with sticks 'n' stuff.***
9. The ability to do whatever you feel like without everybody looking over your shoulder is intoxicating, and I find myself daydreaming about where would be best to launch my fireworks and set up my shooting range (factoring in my future prairie, forest, giant firepit, pond, 9-hole golf course, and gardens).
10. Wearing a shirt feels like suiting up in a tuxedo or a parka, depending on the weather and the fabric. It's definitely one of the worst parts about going in to town.
Here are more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here, again with the theme of "complaining about your children".
(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)
• child spreads feces on shower wall (Windsor, Ontario) - Just be glad it was IN THE SHOWER, you whiner.
• 11 year son monster penis - Has one, or is one? That's an important difference... but I'm not sure which would be more intimidating.
• is it normal for a 12 year old to have white gushy stuff coming out your vagina - MY vagina? No, it's most certainly not normal-- why is a 12-year-old storing any of his or her stuff in MY theoretical vagina?? Stay the hell out of there, all of you!
• about to kill my kids quotes (Austin, TX) - Are you looking to borrow some good threats to toss out there for effect? Or just wanting to commiserate with some poor bastard who's got it worse than you?
Either way, I've got a few pages from my lists around here somewhere...
• can i feed golden raisin to my 18 year old child (Sterling Heights, MI) - Either that was a significant typo, or you lead a strange, strange life. Unless he's an invalid, I think mostly it'd be creepy any way you slice it.
The following is part of a Monty-Python-esque conversation my 6-year-old son D- and 3-year-old daughter M- had today with their noses pressed against the patio doors, watching the frolicking of the new litter born to our thirteen-lined ground squirrel friends "Nibble Purple" and "Sunflower Stripehead".*
While you're remembering our fallen troops this Memorial Day, lighten up the mood a bit with some recent quotes from my 3-year-old daughter M- and my 6-year-old son D-:
M- (just standing there, repeating herself over and over): I'm going to clean up after myself, without even a word. I'm gonna clean up the whole house, without even a word!
D- (absolutely incredulous, after my mom congratulated him for telling a grownup about something that happened): ...But I DIDN'T tell a grownup! I told DAD!! *
M- (while waxing poetic about the popsicle she was just given): Visions that are dancing through my head, are POPsicles!
D- (overheard from the playroom, in a very stern, controlled tone): No, I'm NOT playing school with you, I'm playing my own game. Stop trying to make me, or I'll just tell Dad. (unintelligible response) ... No, then you'll have no kids at ALL, because I'M. NOT. PLAYING. And if you try to PUSH me on it, I'll. Tell. Dad.
M- (towing a long string of paper behind her, pulling off a line many guys have vainly tried through history): Wanna pet my snake?? He's really long...
At the preschool graduation for my daughter's school yesterday (as an underclasswoman, she was just there for moral support, I guess), the teachers announced to the gym each graduate's answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Here are some of their actual answers:
1. Race car driver
2. Doctor
3. Batman
4. Teacher
5. Police officer/Firefighter
6. Army guy
7. Dentist
8. Spider-Man
9. A doctor AND a teacher*
10. A Mommy
I'm pretty sure that last one was planted, to squeeze a few extra tears out of the audience. Nevertheless, I noted a distinct lack of willing candidates for Equally Necessary Jobs like the following:
1. Systems analyst
2. Septic tank cleaner
3. Telemarketer
4. Import/export facilitator
5. Cat burglar
6. Lounge singer/DJ
7. Local politician
8. Hustler
9. Tabloid photographer
10. Racehorse euthanizer
I hope most of these kids are headed for a junior high epiphany resulting in a slight change of career path, because otherwise we may be facing a hell of a lot of very bitter, disillusioned telemarketers/gravediggers.
Here, as the title might suggest, are a few more things that have been amusing me lately:
1. After being forced to half-watch the new Tinkerbell movie, I have to wonder how my daughter will handle it once "Tink" is picked up for all that soliciting her wardrobe tells me she must be doing out there in Fairy Hollow.
2. His careful sounding out of written words means that my 6-year-old son D- provides me small pleasures like listening to him loudly announce, "Ass... Ass... Ass..." across the house.
3. Aren't dreams supposed to be the realm of unattainable fantasy and unbridled imagination? That's what I always thought, until I realized that my recent uneventful dream of shopping online for pedometer batteries was definitely par for the course.
So it would seem that sleep is just an extra 5-6 hours (at best) for me to nag myself and continue leading a thoroughly tedious existence.
Here's a little conversation I had with my 3-year-old daughter M-, who was drinking some juice while I sat here working my precious day away like a chump:
M- (with a serious face): Remember that time that I laughed and my juice came out of my nose??
Me: Yeah-- owie!
M- (confused): What?
Me: I said, "Owie!"
M- (incredulous): No... that's not owie, that's FUNNY. It came out of my nose!!
Here are some recent quotes from my suddenly-very-quotable 3-year-old daughter M- and my 6-year-old son D-:
M- (very pointedly adding an important qualification, so I don't get too cocky): I love you! And I'll love you forever! (suddenly serious)...Because you let me use your special spoon.
M- (after my wife, who's a highly functional Fruity Pebbles addict, pointed out Mother's Day was coming up): Oh yay!! That day we get to have the colored cereal for breakfast!!
M- (when asked if she's learning a lot in her new preschool): Yeah... Mostly playing, though, not learning. Playing outside... and inside...
D- (very dramatically, after I casually referred to my sister's "friend"): You mean... boyfriend?
M- (touching the edge of her skirt): This is not as short as I want it to be.
M- (answering my exasperated "Why do you think I gave you a fork??"): Ummm... for me to fork things.
M- (rambling in her high chair): Switch, witch, bitch, mitch, rich, itch... heh, heh... "switch" and "itch" rhyme.
