Wanted: Baby for "questioning"

Being that I am the only parent supervising my children during the day, I believe I have as at least one of my roles that of Judge. It's not a position I take lightly, or one that I enjoy too thoroughly. However, I like to think I bring a healthy dose of gravitas to this aspect of my life, similar to many of my other roles, such as detective, chef, lie detector, storytime leader, jurist, satirist, bail bondsman, and parole officer.

With all the dignity and pomp I bring to the courtroom that is our apartment, I find it a disrespectful, undermining act that, after labeling as a flight risk a 15-month-old recently brought before me for screeching and petty vandalism, said baby promptly took off at high speed, laughing maniacally rather than submit her squishy behind to the custody of a hardwood floor, as ordered by the court.

My demands for her return and calls for her apprehension were met with unfortunately adorable giggles and then reactive laughter from spectators in attendance. My threats to clear the courtroom quelled the uprising, but still left it defendantless.

As undignified as it was, I was forced to seek out this fugitive myself, chasing her crinkly, bediapered bottom as it tried to shake me off the trail. Undeterred, I cornered the suspect under a table, where her six-toothed smile defied her knowledge of the punishment she had earned. She then scattered away out the other side, where she is believed to have hopped on the back of a waiting Plasma Car.

I would hold this individual in contempt, but legal precedent (see Household v. D- and others) regarding the contours and purity of her visage do not offer me such flexibility. The best I can do once she is returned to the courtroom is allow her due process with only minimal prejudice based on her disappearance.

If you see this young lady, be wary of her reported charms, and know that she is armed and potentially dangerous, particularly to eardrums. She may in fact ask you to kiss an imaginary boo-boo on one of those arms, ostensibly because she had blood drawn there several weeks ago but more likely as a test of faith and loyalty. It is recommended that you do so, and further that you offer various reassuring platitudes in a soothing voice, before excusing yourself as soon as possible (without arousing suspicion) to contact the authorities (i.e. me).

Attached is a recent photo of the offender, shown here all but literally thumbing her nose at the very idea of an authority higher than that of her physical needs and momentary desires:

As further aid in confirming a positive identification of this fugitive, be advised that she looks just like her Momma.