Classic quotes, Vol. 47

Here's a a slice of the backlog of quotes from my 6-year-old daughter M-, 2-year-old son E-, and wife J- during the past month or so:

M- (shouting louder than E-, who was quietly playing a game while J- and I were in bed): No, that's too loud!!

J- (while pregnant, doubling down on a self-deprecating remark I'd batted away): It's kind of like I'm fat... I'm fat with baby.

E- (really working hard to sell a biological impossibility): My 'gina hurts!

M- (using Important Proclamation voice): I don't think I told you, Mom... but I named my pillows. ...Cushy, and Cushion.

J- (looking at a beach picture online): You know, I know European people are all proud of their bodies and everything, but... some people need a little more shame in their lives.

E- (when asked 'what he'll want to eat for lunch later'): No!

Classic quotes, Vol. 46

It's been too long since my 9-year-old son D-, formerly the star of this blog (back when I actually wrote posts with beginnings, middles, and ends), had the spotlight around here. Thanks in part to my extreme lack of posts in the past several months, I'm able to devote a whole quote list to this kid*:

D- (losing patience about an hour into the new Superman movie): When's he going to start flying and punching buildings down and stuff?

D- (when my neighbor pointed out that he'd forgotten to bring his checkbook to an auction): No, it's okay-- my dad brought his.

D- (after some over-the-top violence in a Bugs Bunny cartoon): That's outrageous!!

D- (seeing a display of Jelly Belly dispensers at a store, with cash burning a hole in his pocket): They've got candy, I've got money-- let's get in business!

D- (muttering to himself after cutting his foot): Sweet mother of Holy Moses...

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* Who now seems to be firmly a pre-teen, and thus Not a Kid. Hard to believe he was a toddler when this thing started!

Classic quotes, Vol. 45

Sorry for the long delay in posting; I'm spinning off my axis out here lately! I do have a bunch of pieces of things to post (along with the usual pile of unwritten Actual Posts, my shame of the last few years...), so I'm backdating this post to May 30th from June 25th, because who knows, I might catch myself up a bit soon.*

Anyway, here's just a very small selection of the quotable material my 2-year-old son E- provides us on a daily basis:

E- (very seriously, and with a straight face, after falling down and being offered kisses from his big brother D-): Can 'oo kiss... my butt?

E- (confused, threatened, and nearly stumped by his 6YO sister M- calmly responding, "No, you're done," to him reflexively parroting something he's heard us say to satisfying effect): ...I'm NOT done.

E- (very frequently, always about 10 times in a row, even when nothing noteworthy has occurred): What just haaaaap-pened?

E- (walking downstairs with D-, sounding as contemplative as someone with only two years of memories can): D-, one time...? I pell down da 'tairs. I tumbled down da 'tairs!

E- (all while I chewed and swallowed one small bite): Tan I have a bar? Tan I have a bar? ...Tan I have a bar?? Tan I have a bar?

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* Don't count on it.

Classic quotes, Vol. 44

Here's a selection of recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 6-year-old daughter M-, and my 2-year-old son E-*:

E- (pointing to his stomach, when asked where someone else's food had disappeared to): In!

D- (apropos of nothing, laughing as we walked out of the bank): Remember "Uranus"??

M- (when asked why she was wearing two very different scarves at once, as if it's self-explanatory): Because I have two scarves I can wear...

D- (after I pointed out several hairs on the jelly toast he'd made me while I was sick): Oh, I forgot to tell you..... it fell on the floor.

E- (when told he had to wait for more crackers till we saw how his tummy felt): Don't, WIKE, tum-mee!!

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* Still yet to claim his place on the blog banner! I am terrible.

Classic quotes, Vol. 43

Here are a few more recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, my 2-year-old son E-, and my wife J-:

E- (politely sticking only the tip of his finger in his nose): In!

J- (after pausing mid-sentence for about a full minute while talking to me from another room): Huh? Oh, I was eating ice cream and then I forgot I was talking...

M- (speaking of her newest baby doll, as a girl seemingly primed for monarchy): And this, is GOD's sister! That makes her a "princess".

D- (apparently falling under the spell of a commercial for a Hardee's Thickburger): I can SEE it's a "thick burger", you don't need to tell us!

J- (while driving down the highway, marveling at the car's ability to go under the speed limit for a short while): I'm going SLOWww.  (a Cadillac immediately rolls by on the left) See! Even old people in HATS are passing me!

E- (pulling himself forward in his car seat, after I'd pointed out a truck sculpture we were about to pass on the highway, meaning he had no way of seeing anything noteworthy yet): Whoaaaa, truck!! ...Wow..... windowww!!

Classic quotes, Vol. 42

Here are a few more recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D- and my 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (after M- mentioned kitten scratches and J- & I both sang "cat scraaatch feverrr" accompanied by mouth guitars): Is that from a commercial for a hospital??

D- (incredibly intense, as M- began to urgently tell me about something unimportant while I was "sleeping" on the couch): M-, are you INSANE?!?

M- (holding up a paper saying "POO" in large letters): Look, I spelled "pool"!

M- (speaking sternly to her 2-year-old brother E-, who is obsessed with her stuff): As I already ESTABLISHED, this pink ball is MINE!

And a classic from this summer, when we were desperately trying to bathe 8 kittens to rid them of a flea infestation:

M- (eyes wide, enjoying the carnage): It's like a KITTEN nursery in here! Except a kitten nursery run by DRUNK people, who have no idea what they're doing!

Classic quotes, Vol. 41

Here are a few more recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, and my nearly-2-year-old son E-:

D- (having been shown an "I'm too busy to be organized!" mug I'd gotten for my wife J-): Hey! Mom should put that on her desk! ...Because she's always so busy... that she can't be... organized.

E- (coming into his family heritage, waking unwillingly as I laid him down to change him one morning): Eyes! (rolling away, pawing at his face) Wight! (openly frustrated that I just don't seem to get it) Bwight!!

D- (seeing an Adidas footprint in the dirt): Hey look! It says AIDS in the footprint!

M- (vehemently disputing D-'s account of her assault): I didn't punch him in the EYE... I punched him in the FOREhead!!

D- (referring to a man speaking through a megaphone to a crowd of kids): That's not a very loud... shouty-thingy.

Classic quotes, Vol. 40

Here are a few of the recent quotes (that I remembered to write down) from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, and my 20-month-old son E- (still not yet on the banner!):

M- (seemingly unburdened by Knowing It All, dropping some knowledge on her older brother): Did you know, that cheese is just dried, hard milk? (waving around her wrapped, pre-sliced piece of cheese-like food substance) Just like... floppy milk?

D- (seeing a "No Grills Allowed" sign as we drove through a park entrance to the soccer fields): Whoa! Wait, what?!? This park says, "NO GIRLS ALLOWED"!!

M- (already pushing fashion limits, when I asked if she was there to give us all a Belly Show with the size-4T shirt she had on): If it's only a small belly show, it's okay...

E- (though barely verbal, being under 2, when asked if he wanted "a cookie"): Two!!

M- (sprinkling some color in her daily gossip, trumping up her tattling charges on some kid I don't know): And then she started saying... you know that BAD word, that starts with F??!?*

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* After a bit of internal hubbub on our part, it turned out to be "fart", which is odd since it's not considered a "bad word" in our house, though I may have been known to discourage them from shouting it out at the dinner table.

Classic quotes, Vol. 39

Here are a few recent notable quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, and, in his quote-list debut, my 20-month-old son E-:

M- (among her rules for decorating the cakes from her little cake-making kit): No punching, no kicking, and no head-butting.

D- (smiling while reminiscing, after I pointed out he and his sister have already taught their little brother E- to laugh at mentions of bodily functions, by example): Yeah... heh-heh... we have...

M- (the day after the Olympics ended, out of the blue): I want to wear an outfit like those... who are those people, again, who jump over those GIANT hurdles? (Me: "Hurdlers?") Yes, hurdlers. I want to wear those shorts and one of those shirts, that shows my belly, then people will think I'm one of them! (giggles)

E- (begging for a bite of popsicle from his big brother D-): Bite! Biiiiite!! (after digging a tiny Nerf gun into his chest) Bite.

Classic quotes, Vol. 38

Here are a few recent notable quotes from my 8-year-old son D- and my 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (amused by my response to her claim that she and D- will become spies when they grow up): No, we wouldn't have to work hard in school for it, it's all very easy!

D- (with slack-jawed awe, quietly to himself while watching The Avengers at a drive-in, after a giant flying robot-bug ship crashed into a building): Now thaaaaaat's... somethin'...

M- (as if I could have no idea what she's talking about, after she cleared her lunch plate): I'm going to go ask Mom something... (mysteriously) because it's something that can only happen after lunch...

Classic quotes, Vol. 37

Here's a selection of some recent notable quotes, this time (again) all from my very quotable 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (apropos of nothing one day, after she'd been playing by herself.... possibly a sign she may have been playing with her older brother too much): I would be a great astronaut-killer! (asked to elaborate) It's a guy who attacks and fights astronauts!

M- (showing off her strength, before almost falling over a basketball her little brother E- had accidentally rolled in her path): I can carry this HUGE chair, Dad! ... As long as E- keeps his BALLS out of the way...

M- (coming breathlessly into our room one morning, after we'd ignored an automated call identified as coming from my wife's teacher union): It's an URGENT call, on the answering machine-- it's an emergency! They're attacking our pensions, and our rights, and we need to vote!

M- (referring to Silly String, in a voice like a commercial): Kids LOVE this stuff!!

Classic quotes, Vol. 36

Here's a selection of some recent notable quotes, this time from my wife J-, our 5-year-old daughter M-, and our 1 year-old son E-:

M- (looking at a picture of a llama, with a tone suggesting it had personally done something to offend her): Seriously?? There's no hump on this camel!

J- (spacing out while talking to E-, who was getting into things in the kitchen as she read a dessert recipe): No, put that down, Lemon!

M- (overselling it a bit, referring to E- having grabbed at her Swedish pancake and knocked it to the floor, after the waitress had assured her it would be replaced): Well! THAT will be quite the story to tell my kids, when I have kids!

J- (explaining her love for birds of prey): See, the thing is, I find all other birds repulsive.* But owls, and falcons... I love them, for some reason.

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* Sorry, bird lovers: On review, she reiterated her unusual position that "repulsive" is not too strong a word, and yes, she meant "all". Even blue jays, and cardinals, and doves... and lovebirds, and sparrows, and hummingbirds... and all your favorites. ESPECIALLY your favorites.....

Classic quotes, Vol. 35

Here are the latest memorable quotes from my 5-year-old daughter M-, my 7-year-old son D-, and my 1-year-old son E- that I've managed to remember or write down:

M- (referring to the snowman she was mentally designing, for her preschool homework): And his name will be "Ho-Wrecker"!

Kid at school (amazed, watching E- doing a victory lap with a basketball he found): Whoa! That baby can WALK!

M- (after being asked an obvious question, before I reached in to turn on the fan): ...No. I'm sweating, but I'm not pooping. ... I'm sweating!

D- (after we were talking about dogs and wolves eating grass): THAT'D be cool, to see a wolf throw up.


M- (approximately 10 minutes after first regretting asking me why February 29 is a special day): ...Oh..... 

Classic quotes, Vol. 34

Here's a selection of quotes from the past few months, from my 4-year-old daughter M-, my 7-year-old son D-, and my infant son E-:

M- (excitedly, pointing to a Bud Light truck parked near us at the gas station): Daddy, I see the waaater botttttle truuuuuuck!

D- (drawled slyly, while doing his homework, as if idly asking about the weather, or some other not-remotely-related topic): Hey Dad, what's forrrrrrty-three plus thirty-six?

M- (using her Important Announcement voice at the dinner table): This hot dog BUN is too hot! (asked if she's sure) ...No... the thing that's inside it. (asked, "You mean the hot dog??") Yeah, the hot dog.

E- (whenever he deliberately pushes or drops things off his high chair, with the detached tone of an innocent bystander): Uh-oh.

M- (very matter-of-factly, about a song she made up): It's a very long song... I can't sing all the words in ONE day...

Me (after our shared laughter at my wife apparently stopped by quite so funny): No, no, I'm not being mean-- I'm laughing WITH you, as we both laugh at you!

M- (very excited, and distinctly unfazed, regarding the corpse of an unfortunate mouse, victim of our cats): We should save it, and when it turns to bones, I can study them! Because when I grow up, I want to be a vegetarian, and help animals!!

Classic quotes, Vol. 33

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, my 7-year-old son D-, and my infant son E-:

M- (referring to E-, known to be a bit drooly as his teeth come in): I kissed him on the head... because I don't kiss babies on the mouth.

D- (after I helpfully pointed out that he might not like working for the Lego company so much, since they'd make him WORK, and turn his fun hobby into a chore): Oh no, I would LOVE that job, because Legos are... (at a temporary loss for words, eyes suddenly bulging) my LIFE!*

M- (eagerly, when told I also made a necklace of Fruit Loops when I was a kid): Do you still HAVE your necklace??

E- (every chance he gets, expressing himself through mime, as he's only 9 months old): Here, let me hold your face still with one hand, so I can better rip those elusive glasses right off your face.

M- (when told she has a very big vocabulary): What does that word mean?

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* These days, it'd be hard to argue with him... well, I should say, harder to argue with him on this topic than on every single other topic that comes up.

Classic quotes, Vol. 32

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M- (who's clearly very into music lately) and my 7-year-old son D-:

M- (referring to my new organization for all the outside toys): You are the Superman of balls, Dad!!

D- (when asked what was so funny while walking into the room, as if casually relishing a tasty morsel): Oh; M- told an UN-appropriate joke a minute ago... (chuckling some more)

M- (singing): There was a farmer who had a dog... whose name was Bingo... (slowly remembering, without much concern, that she 1) doesn't know how to spell things, and 2) didn't perfectly memorize the lyrics to work around this handicap) ...G-L...I-N!!

D- (trying to cushion the blow to the chef's ego on omelet night): THIS part I don't like? (pointing to the "egg" part) ...but everything else I like... (forcing an encouraging smile)

M- (emphatically, while eating "fruit on the bottom" raspberry yogurt): When you stir it all up and smoothen it out, D-, it's REALLY good. It's like a strawberry sur-VEY* or something. It's a really good strawberry sur-VEY!

M- (practically screaming, while strumming a toy guitar): I'm going to start a BAND!!! (after being asked if it will be a loud one) OH yeah!!!

M- (part of a much longer, and clearly very inspiring, song she was cranking out on her guitar and microphone): "We arrrrrre kiiiiiiiiids... but we will grow uuup one dayyyyyyy... and weeeee willll have a houuuuuuse... // And we will have to pay our mortgagggggge, eeeeeeeveryyyyyy dayyyyyyy..."

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* Maybe a cross between "sorbet" and "parfait"? Either way, it was said about 100 times in that snooty tone of voice people use when trying to authentically pronounce the only foreign loan word in a sentence.

Classic quotes, Vol. 31

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 7-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

D- (to my mom, after he chose to dump unhealthy amounts of cinnamon on his toast): Your cinnamon is really HOT!

M- (missing the point of a race during Cars 2): Why are they driving so fast??

J- (mindlessly talking aloud to herself, after realizing Father's Day was approaching): Oh, sh*t, that's coming up already...

D- (as my dad tried to point out that he wasn't listening to the requested story he was reading aloud): What??! I can not hear you over the sound of me talking!

M- (shouting at J-, who had quietly advised her to really start sleeping, while she was pretending to sleep): I am, MOM!

J- (suffering through a diet, as M- pulled a pack of Hostess cupcakes off a grocery shelf): Put that down right now! (muttering to herself) Put it down before I buy them...

M- (ending a series of overly dramatic comments about a forklift she was hearing at Costco): Watch out, that fork lifter's going to fork us up!!

Classic quotes, Vol. 30

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M- and 7-year-old son D-:

D- (after milking a legitimate cough a bit much): I AM sick-- I've always had a cough like this. ... YES, always... well, since last evening.

M- (rooting around behind her in her car seat as we drove): I've got a BUNCH of toys and stuff in my seat crack! I've got crayons, and Cheerios...a penny. I've got a PENNY in my SEAT CRACK!

D- (running, eagerly, after it was pointed out that Momma's crude humor was technically appropriate given her location*): Then I'm gonna go to the bathroom to say a bunch more BUTT things!

M- (finding a new way to protest, a few days after an explanation of Intellectual Property law): No, D-!! That's MY trademarrrrrrrrrk!

D- (unaware of the sad, overwhelming facts about himself these days, after reflecting on all the "bad kids" in his yearbook): Wow, MY teacher is lucky! Every OTHER teacher has a BAD kid in her class who has to go to the OFFICE like every day!

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* For the record, no, she was in the bathroom washing dishes**, NOT using the toilet.***

** Until our kitchen is reassembled (but it's only been 8 months!!), that's where we're forced to wash them. We couldn't be happier about this...

*** She NEVER does that.

Classic quotes, Vol. 29

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

M- ("agreeing" with me after being told she had to eat lunch instead of play with her favorite toy dog, Woof): Okay-- as soon as I'm finished with The Adventures of Woof, then I'll eat lunch.

D- (confused, then disappointed, realizing he accidentally got up in time for school all by himself): Is it a school day??

M- (sadly not yet accurate): ...It was a long time ago. I mean, not like when they used to fight WARS, and everything... I mean like a few DAYS ago.

J-'s student (transcribed, for later write-up purposes, without any context at all on a Post-It note stuck to my DVD J- brought back from school): Say my name one more time and this spoon's going up your ass!

M- (talking to me from the bathroom, as she's wont to do): So was that popcorn supposed to be an "appetite" before lunch?

Classic quotes, Vol. 28

It's been a surprisingly long time, but at long last, here are some quotes I've collected in the past few months from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, 2-month-old son E-, and wife J-:

M- (calling down from upstairs while supposedly getting ready for bed, in an overly dramatic announcer's voice): I have a feeling! [...] I have a feeling... of monsters?

D- (matter-of-factly to M-, as she returned from informing me that she's "pretty sure [she] heard a mouse", because she "heard footsteps somewhere but they weren't Mom's"): So, what did he say about all this mouse business?

M- (sassily, when called out for playing in her room instead of cleaning): I was folding a shirt. ...Is that called 'playing'?

J- (reluctantly, referring to her then-overly-pregnant state): Alright... while I'm dressed and looking relatively decent, you should probably take my picture.

M- (in the tattletale voice): D- is pretending to haaaaaaarm meeee!

E- (while smiling): Ah gugrggggg!*

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* Trust me, this is much, much cuter in person.