19 February 2011

Things printed on bibs to keep parents from abandoning babies

Here's a list of catchy infant bib slogans strategically engineered by the baby apparel industry to help defend against the distinctly anti-social habits of its primary customer base,* the world's cutest self-absorbed douches.

Sometimes (say, around 3:30 in the morning on Day 42), a simple "I Love My Mommy" just doesn't cut it.**

1. Pretty Soon, Everything You Do And Say Will Be Unbelievably Hilarious To Me

2. Daddy's Little Wingman

3. Sometimes I Smile By Accident!

4. Chubby Cheeks! Chubby Cheeks!!

5. One Day, I Will Choose Your Retirement Home

6. Yes, I Really Do Say "Goo" Sometimes

7. I Am Powerless To Resist Your Efforts To Make Me Talk, Gesture, And Dance For Your Own Amusement

8. Daddy's Little Tax Break

9. Don't Forget, You Can Start Lacing My Nighttime Bottles With Rice Cereal As Soon As The Doctor Only Rolls Her Eyes At The Idea Instead Of Threatening To Report You To The Authorities

10. Have You Checked How Tiny My Toes Are, Lately?

* They also service dolls and extremely tiny adults.

** This list might more accurately be titled, "
Things printed on bibs to keep parents from leaving their babies to fend for themselves in the backyard each night from 11pm to 7am".


Irish Gumbo said...

Those are the things really printed on the bibs, in the same way those 3D images are put on posters, the ones you have to stare at for a long time until the pattern suddenly appears. Or when the exhaustion level makes one so incoherent that one hallucinates :)

unmitigated me said...

Your second footnote reminds me of the time when my eldest child was NOT adapting well to my MIL's Wheaton, IL apartment, the first night of our visit. Jim went to try to get her back to sleep, and was gone for awhile. When I went to check on them, he was getting her suited up and into her car-seat. He had decided that she would spend the rest of the night in the car, in the parking lot. He STILL doesn't see an issue with that.