14 July 2008

Five senses times two: A case study

For all those people seeking to explore additional human senses by unlocking unused portions of the brain, there are others who seek to start by using our five known senses to their full ability before moving on to new ones. To most people who have not thought about such a thing, this approach just makes sense.

Certainly the youngest and most talented, if not the only, proponent of this effort is the young Dr. M. Q. Literal (pronounced for the purposes of this profile as "Lit-AIR-uhl").
The noted doctor of enhanced sensory perception, Dr. M. Q. LiteralDr. Literal not only desires to maximize the potential of her own brain, but in a confluence of her passions for research and magnanimity, she also strives to share her gifts with those around her. To illustrate her generosity of spirit, one needs only look within the past week.

Upon waking from her scheduled afternoon nap ready for her 4-hour pre-dinner constitutional, she found her calls to her live-in assistants falling on deaf ears, due to such obstacles as ambient noise (in the form of rambunctious preschoolers, running fans, and air conditioners), closed doors, and general apathy. Tempted though she was, rather than give up and collapse in frustration for an invigorating tantrum for more than a few moments, she decided instead to appeal to other senses and encourage her inferiors to think, and feel, outside their quaint little boxes.

After entering a meditative state and summoning all her digestive energy to focus it in the way only she knows how, Dr. Literal managed to soil herself on command to such an alarming degree that she was able to summon both now-barely-conscious senior assistants to her side in a matter of minutes using only the force of extraordinarily long stink lines. Few self-described psychics could claim such power.

Meanwhile, the notably disheveled appearance of her office and lab attire served as all the lecture the humbled assistants needed-- from now on, they will surely be keeping their ears and noses open for whenever their master might call.

Whether she's splitting ear drums for little or no reason, silently threatening to repurpose precious objects, licking passersby when they least expect it, sticking items at hand in absent guest's drinks, or simply defecating outside of socially acceptable locations, the good doctor stands alone, until others are brave enough join her, in her struggle to push humanity into the next phase of evolution.

19 comments:

Swirl Girl said...

love the li-tehr-al dissection of your progeny.

thanks for that!

Mary said...

She will love this post when she's about 13. Actually, maybe she really will. Such powers are not to be mocked. By then she will have moved on to other even more amazing feats, maybe even using more cell phone minutes than ever thought possible.

Tierd said...

So cute!

Mrs. B. Roth said...

I had to wait 3 whole days for this?

It's a great post, don't get me wrong: clever, witty, honest ... I guess I'm just grumpy from having to wait. Of course, I didn't post all weekend either (hypocrite me)and all the big words you used made for a longer than usual read.

I guess it all works out.

Just be careful, as you take more time with posts, not to over-write, you know, where you edit so much, fixing things, putting in the "right words." The stuff that comes out of your head first is usually the most entertaining, most alive.

Love your blog!

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, man, I'm shaking with laughter over here.

I can just picture her standing alone...all stinky and such.

Remind me never to walk away from a drink while in her presence. I've had enough of used tissued or half eaten food bits or half licked lollipops in my glasses to last a lifetime.

Manager Mom said...

OK - I think I liked this post. The parts I understood, anyway. I had to hit dictionary.com for a refresher on the meaning of "magnanimity."

Kori said...

Truly a heroine. A woman who is Queen and wonders when everyone else is going to figure that out. I think I love her.

Christy said...

That girl's got talent! You crack me up. :)

Chris H said...

What a clever wee bugger, there are a few things we adults simply cannot ignore, a crappy nappy is surly one of them! Hey thanks for visiting me blog.... I will be back to see how you are getting on with the writing.... and shitty nappies!

Brittany said...

So nice to see such a steadfast lady standing on the forefront of innovation and exploration:)

Rikki said...

Great freaking post!

I have only been a LiteralDan reader for a few months (from the first day I became a blogger, what a fluke I found him so fast, eh?) but am a devoted follower (Dude, that SO makes me sound like a groupie).

I like to think of his posts as "vocab-expanding". Yes, I made that word up. My point is, I like all the "big words". Blogging is MY outlet. It is refreshing to read posts that challenge my brain a little!

Thanks! :)

James said...

That was hilarious. I just found your blog (from the blogroll at Looky, Daddy!), and this description of Dr. Literal's exploits has me hooked. Great writing. I look forward to reading through your old posts!

Always Home and Uncool said...

That's digestive energy in action.

Sara Maynard said...

Thought you might think this is interesting.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/25675193#25675193

Shannon said...

Very cute!

Thanks for visiting my blog! After your comments, I had to come over here and see just what sort of escapades your daughter does! I'll be back to check out more :)

TerriRainer said...

Have you found that the odor does not reconcile itself with the actual AMOUNT of "ick" produced by the good doctor?

In other words...HOW THE HECK DOES THAT SMALL AMOUNT OF POO STINK SO FREAKIN BAD????

Enquiring minds want to know...

:) Terri

LiteralDan said...

Swirl Girl: Sometimes dissection is the only way towards peace and quiet, right?

Mary: I should hope that by the time she turns 13, she will no longer be soiling herself. I don't think I could take such a thing.

I look forward to her newer feats, in light of that horrible thought.

Tierd: You mean "so dignified". I mean, she is wearing glasses.

Mrs. B. Roth: I find your thoughts very valuable-- I'd hoped to get more feedback like this when I started this thing. I agree and disagree with you at the same time, but I mostly agree.

It's as much in the interests of keeping true to this form as it is due the obvious limitations of time that I call stuff done and publish it most days. I've always dreaded editing the life out of something, but I think I need to make myself edit certain things towards completion or usefulness rather than refusing to compromise with myself.

I don't think I even know what I'm saying anymore, but definitely thanks for this comment!

Mama Dawg: How much is the amount that lasts a lifetime? I need to know so I can measure how many lives I'll need to live to use up my servings so far.

Manager Mom: Glad you liked it. Isn't that a great word? I've always thought it just has the regal sound befitting such a concept.

Kori: You'd better love her, because being on the other side is not going to be pretty as the years go by, I can almost guarantee.

Christy: I think so too, and glad to be of service.

Chris H: Glad you stopped by! My new favorite phrase of the week is now "crappy nappy". It just rolls right off the tongue.

...Wow, what an unpleasant mental image.

Anyway, since my sister spent a semester (falling) in (love with) New Zealand, I've been attuned to mentions of it, and I was glad to have stumbled upon your blog from I-don't-remember-where. I'll be seeing you there if not here!

Brittany: Truly, she is a queen among mere babes.

Rikki: My preferred term is "minion", and I am currently accepting applications. I can fast-track yours, though, since I like your blog and we're from the same state.

Seriously, though, I'm glad you like the blog so much, and glad to help you let-out. You guys all keep me coming back for more.

James: I still consider myself unworthy of the blogroll of such an awesome blog, but I'm surely proud of the honor.

Thanks for the praise-- my ego always needs stoking (like everyone else's, I suppose). Hope you enjoy your trip through the archives-- I'll make sure to keep the light on for you.

Always Home and Uncool: This house courses with digestive energy in every possible way. It's amazing and disgusting all at once.

Sara Maynard: Hi Sara! I had seen the headline in passing but not read about it/watched the video, so that was indeed interesting. I think it's great that lady was so willing to adapt to the world all the way to the end-- I don't think there are many other people over 100 regularly using the computer, especially for blogging.

Shannon: You're welcome, and thanks for coming by-- I hope you've had some luck keeping your house unchewed since I stopped by.

TerriRainer: I am absolutely mystified by that on a regular basis. It's probably a good thing there isn't more of it when it's so potent, though.

Sparkliesunshine said...

She is a talent! You mere live in assistants should feel grateful that you get to be in the presence of such a great young mind.

LiteralDan said...

Yeah, that's what she's always telling us.

But so you know, just between us, the pay really sucks. I've been exploring other options recently.