Classic quotes, Vol. 47

Here's a a slice of the backlog of quotes from my 6-year-old daughter M-, 2-year-old son E-, and wife J- during the past month or so:

M- (shouting louder than E-, who was quietly playing a game while J- and I were in bed): No, that's too loud!!

J- (while pregnant, doubling down on a self-deprecating remark I'd batted away): It's kind of like I'm fat... I'm fat with baby.

E- (really working hard to sell a biological impossibility): My 'gina hurts!

M- (using Important Proclamation voice): I don't think I told you, Mom... but I named my pillows. ...Cushy, and Cushion.

J- (looking at a beach picture online): You know, I know European people are all proud of their bodies and everything, but... some people need a little more shame in their lives.

E- (when asked 'what he'll want to eat for lunch later'): No!

Amusing searches, Vol. 18

Here are more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here, in no particular order.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• things i enjoy my wife hates (Akron, OH) - If you're looking for tips and advice, I unfortunately have nothing much to offer you, but I can say that wives have notoriously poor taste and questionable judgment.

• RI ESCORTS (Warwick, RI) - This was clearly a smart search, because YOU KNOW I AM ALL ABOUT THE RHODE ISLAND EXCORTS, my friend!!*

• when to label a 5 year old girl as homosexual (Quezon City, The Philippines) - How about, "Never"? Is Never an acceptable answer? You'll find out in good time, or not at all, depending on her comfort level...

• PEE (Norvenich, Germany) - Either PEE is a legitimate, dignified acronym in Germany, or I think maybe this was supposed to be some kind of horrible image/video search.

• waxelene for vagina (Valencia, CA) - Sorry, can't help you at the moment, I haven't tried using it on my vagina yet.

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* Given that you arrived here via an amusing Internet search yourself, sir, it was probably a bit awkward in an "uh-oh, too late" kind of way when you landed on a post in which I was mocking the previous searches of others. Sorry you had to see that... and I'll be sorrier if you ever happen upon this one in future searches. Just make sure it's a good one! No reason...

Amusing searches, Vol. 17

Here are some more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• is too many orgasm fatal - Honestly, for the last time, I don't know, but I suppose you'll have a lot of fun pioneering this important research.

• pic of odd middle aged mom (Bournemouth, UK) - I certainly do make an odd middle-aged mom, I grant you that. But I charge for pictures.

• dead animal smell in vagina (Modesto, CA) - Ahhh, yes, this is a common side effect of passing out in the woods while wearing edible underwear. I'd suggest not doing this anymore, or if you must, at least lay out some traps first rather than relying on suffocation as your method of execution, given the difficult and awkward process of corpse extrication the next morning.

• orangutan named Karl (Lake Worth, FL) - I'm sorry, you must have been looking for my orangutan-related dating site, takingadvantageoforangutanobsessions.com

• my three-year-old son is an asshole - Aren't they all, really? In fact, I think this is just a slightly-less-PC version of the milestone label doctors have always used.

Amusing searches, Vol. 16

Google's admirable privacy efforts are slowly draining me of this source of amusement and education, but while I still have some material left, here are some of the most amusing searches that have brought people here since the last edition.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• nitpicking in conversation (New York, NY) - According to at least half of the people I've ever spoken to for more than a few minutes, you've come to the right place.

• "punch a bird in the face" (Fairfax, VA) - I'm picturing that would probably hurt your fist more than the bird's face, what with the beak and all.

• self conscious and nervous (London, U.K.) - Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for checking.

• my three year old son hides penis (Seoul, Korea) - Really, it's "where" and "how" he's hiding it that should be the focus of your concerns.

• "piss around the house" (Edinburgh, Scotland) - I have the same habits, but I try to concentrate my fire around a couple central areas, ones with convenient bowls that offer some kind of satisfying splashing sound.

A conversation with M-: We're all important in our own way

Pretend I'm more on-the-ball and it's still Valentine's Day, and enjoy this then-appropriate conversation I had awhile back with my now-5-year-old daughter M-, when she saw just how many yogurts I'd picked up at the store while she was at school:

M- (joking, with an incredible amount of enthusiasm, while standing at the fridge): Wow! The Mom yogurts made a LOT of baby yogurts!

Me: Oh? All by themselves?

M- (without a trace of doubt): Yes!

Me (foolishly playing with fire, for my own amusement): Without any help from Daddy yogurts?

M-: No. (thinking twice) Well, a LITTLE help, maybe. They help do stuff like carry heavy things, and pack up the clothes for them, and stuff. (taking the opportunity to drop another hint of a present idea) Like their roooooooobes...

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (7YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Conversations I never had with my son, Vol. 1

We all know boys and girls are different, yadda yadda yadda-- I won't bore you by spewing back some old saws you've heard and said a hundred times yourself. I just feel compelled to begin recording some of the noteworthy quips, statements, threats, and conversations with my 4-year-old daughter M- that definitely have never before come up with my 7-year-old son D-*:

M- (having described in detail, in the manner of a time-share salesperson, a water park/resort that a classmate was going to): ...So... can we go there, too?

Me (having known where she was going the whole time she was going on about it, and not in a mood to humor her): No... I don't think so.

M- (more than a little smugly): Well, when I'm bigger, in college, and I'm on a date with my friend, we will go there. We'll stay there and go on all the rides and have SO much fun. ...When I'm in college and on a DATE, with my friend, together.

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* And presumably won't come up with their infant brother, E-.

A conversation with D- and M-: The forbidden fruit

What better and more appropriate way to start out the year --after having closed out last year with a brand-new baby-- than with this recent conversation with my 6-year-old son D- and my then-3-year-old daughter M-?

D- (reading a joke from somewhere): What kind of fruit do ghosts like to eat?

Me: I don't know, what?

D-: Boo... (switching to spelling mode) B-O-O-B-E-...

M- (jumping in, proud to show off her impressive "reading" skills yet again): Boobies!!

D- (shocked, confused, sure this must somehow be a dirty joke he accidentally read, but slightly amused): Heh-heh.

Me (obviously now relating a much-less-funny joke): Boo-berries. ...Not boobies... It's "BOO-berries", because pretend ghosts* say, "Boo!", right? ...Boo-berries.

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* Must always be on guard-- no, ghosts aren't real, go to sleep!

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, D- conversations, and J- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 26 - M- edition

Here are some recent quotes, this time just from my 3-year-old daughter M-:

M- (in response to helpful advice from her 6-year-old brother D- during a game with dolls): I know-- I'm careful with babies. ...But sometimes I bop them.

M- (shouting at D-, on more than one occasion): I'm NOT going to MARRY you anyMORE!

M- (apropos of nothing, while playing outside): My kids, when I have them, will have to work all day.

M- (using the The Tattling Voice): D- is tattling on me!

M- (having just walked up to me, using a conversational tone): I threw my baby in the dungeon, because at the rate she was going? She was going to JAIL. At the rate she was going...

M- (informing us of a little bit of obscure trivia): You know what chicken is made from? ... It's chickens!

Classic quotes, Vol. 24

Here are some recent quotes from my suddenly-very-quotable 3-year-old daughter M- and my 6-year-old son D-:

M- (very pointedly adding an important qualification, so I don't get too cocky): I love you! And I'll love you forever! (suddenly serious)...Because you let me use your special spoon.

M- (after my wife, who's a highly functional Fruity Pebbles addict, pointed out Mother's Day was coming up): Oh yay!! That day we get to have the colored cereal for breakfast!!

M- (when asked if she's learning a lot in her new preschool): Yeah... Mostly playing, though, not learning. Playing outside... and inside...

D- (very dramatically, after I casually referred to my sister's "friend"): You mean... boyfriend?

M- (touching the edge of her skirt): This is not as short as I want it to be.

M- (answering my exasperated "Why do you think I gave you a fork??"): Ummm... for me to fork things.

M- (rambling in her high chair): Switch, witch, bitch, mitch, rich, itch... heh, heh... "switch" and "itch" rhyme.

Amusing searches, Vol. 7

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time with the very simple theme of "complaining about your children." This could really be the first of several in a healthy sub-series of posts.

Note: All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and in this case, all searchers arrived at my 10 reasons my 3-year-old son may be homosexual post, which is apparently the only post on the Internet whose title features a child identified by a hyphenated label including his age. Or else it's just the strongest and most fascinating.

• why does my 5 yr son old piss around the house (Bloomington, IL) - 1) Because it's easier; 2) because he can; and 3) because he owns the property but isn't responsible for cleaning it. Also, I'd bet he somehow understands he won't be able to get away with it for long, so he's living it up while he can. Ahhh, to be that young again, never in search of the nearest bathroom...

• 3 year olds hands do the same thing (Davenport, FL) - This is a very slippery slope. "Same thing" meaning what? Picking his nose? Playing with his food? Poking his sister? Playing with himself? Stabbing at his dad's eyes whenever he looks away from him? Based on my thankfully fuzzy recollections of that age, you have to be much more specific.

• 9-year-old son lazy barefoot (Sandusky, OH) - Are you looking for a role model for the boy? If so, just let me know, and I'll try to see about getting around to offering him some pearls of wisdom. Better yet, just send him out my way, and he can lay at my bare feet just watching the master at work. Well, maybe "work" is too strong a word.

• my 3 year old son always has to be first - Correction: Your 3-year-old son always WANTS to be first. My 3-year-old daughter is the one who actually must be first. I do not recommend denying her this, or at least not without adequate protection.

• 10 yr old son likes to be naked (Surprise, AZ) - Who doesn't? Especially out there in the deserts of Surprise, Arizona. (Yes, that's really the name.) Let me warn you, though, if you say too much to him about it, you'll find him naked 24 hours a day for the next ten years, powered solely by spite. And nobody likes to see an angry naked guy. So do us all a favor and lay off, lady.

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A nice deal for those with babies: 10% off essential items like diapers, wipes and formula at Amazon

A conversation between M- and J-: Victoria's open secret

While I'm ashamed at my lack of posting there in general, and especially lately, I'm glad they'll still have me over at Hot Dads, where you can read my latest post.

I'll just let the post title do all the teasing for me-- now click on over there!

Important Question: What would you use this for?

When I first saw the item pictured below, I was dumbfounded as to its purpose, given the context in which I found it. So I ask you all the following Important Question:

For what do you think this is meant to be used?


Leave your best or most entertaining guess in the comments.

Amusing searches, Vol. 5

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time with the very simple theme of Vaginas.

I think it would thus be appropriate to dedicate this, lucky number 5 in this series, to BHJ.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered.)

• orangutan vagina - Finally, one of my horde of orangutan-based searchers (living in one of my favorite places to say: Puyallup, Washington) comes out of the closet, in the middle of the night, probably after a few beers. If they hoped, in this Google Image search, to find a clinical image of a primate's vagina, or something a bit more... wild, I can only try not to imagine.

• what does an orangutans vagina look like - What do you think it looks like, Mr. Scarborough, Ontario? And why do you need to know? This is getting to be an epidemic! I've decided all people who live in or near the Canadian border are disgusting perverts. You may think this is rash, but I think the facts speak for themselves.

• chimpanzee vagina (Mountain View, CA and Mogi-guaçu, Brazil) - Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but I obviously only deal in orangutans. What kind of low-grade vagina dealer do you take me for??

(And Mr. Brazil, you can be sure there isn't a stylist in the world who'd charge less than a month's salary to do a "Brazilian" for your new ladyfriend. Just imagine those wax strips! Shudder.)

• someone else's urine touched my vagina, (Potomac, MD) - Is this you again?? Did you move from Regina (hey, that rhymes with your search!) to Maryland? Hmmmm... probably unlikely.

Ladies,* is it really so hard to just flush first? Especially if you're so paranoid that you'll run directly from the splash-producing toilet to the always-open arms of The Internet to find out how many days you have to live, via a search string taking the form of the opening line to a country song I never want to hear?

• is it cleaner to lick a vagina or a toilet seat? (The United Kingdom) - I'm sure the ladies in the audience are deeply offended. The things those proper British gentlemen will ask The Google compared to what they discuss over high tea! But more practically, if the answer WAS a toilet seat, does that mean he'd be honor-bound to go around pleasing toilets all over town? Sorry, "loos" all over town?

• ocd about getting pregnant by a toliet seat - Oh, great, thanks... now I have something new to fear.

• what is origin of golden showers - I believe the answer is, technically, the urethra.

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* I hope I'm not going too far out on a limb here with this gender assumption.

Classic quotes, Vol. 20

Here's the latest batch of quotes from my wife J-, my 5-year-old son D-, my 2-year-old daughter M-, and me:

D- (talking about his "girlfriend" of the last month or so): Jessenia and I are going to get married. And then we're going to have a baby. (I ask him what they'll name it) Ummm, Joseph... Toys.

M- (on toilet, happily): Something's coming out... (mischievously) Guess what it is??

Me (getting a look from J- after I jokingly joined her in scolding herself for dropping pictures behind the scalding radiator): What?! I thought we were berating you as a couple for your clumsiness!

D- (casually telling my mom about his abovementioned girlfriend): Yeah, we're in love, so we're going to get married. (remembering) Oh, and I'm also going to marry Naya!

M- (rightfully infuriated with D-): No D-, those are mine! (he gleefully ignores her) Stop it! (lunging towards him with outstreched hands) I will choke you!

Book Review: Spongebob's Feelin' It!

When you see this, the cover of the infant-tactile-stimulation book SpongeBob's Feelin' It!, are you as unnerved as I am at this answer to the question, "What is SpongeBob doing when he's not filming his show?"

How did this pass all of the various committees that surely had to approve its creation? Are they even paying attention anymore, when they're not busy cashing checks labeled "SpongeBob Toothbrushes", "SpongeBob Glucose Monitors", and "Actual Square Pants"?

I mean, just look at that satisfied smile on his bucktoothed face! Chilling.

Then again, haven't you always wanted to find out exactly what kind of pants those famous trousers are? Corduroy? Canvas? Chino? Well, SpongeBob really wants you to find out.

Not unlike my previous experience with the book I Went Walking, I'm too terrified to open this one up to find out what's inside.

But I know someone who's not: whoever belongs to those little eye stalks peeking over the arm of the chair...

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You may enjoy my previous attempts at book reviews. I'll write one someday that might actually be useful for someone, somehow.

Amusing searches, Vol. 4

Here are some of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time collected under the very simple theme of Herpes.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: I must warn you against using Google without at least some kind of keyboard cover-- it seems to be the ringleader in spreading herpes across the Internet.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered.)

• can a dog give you herpes and can dogs give you herpes - Yes, these were two distinct searches.* All I'll say in answer is, if you find yourself driven to search the globe for this particular bit of information, I'm pretty sure the answer should not be your biggest concern in life. Even on the loneliest of Saturday nights, guys, you should probably just... fly solo on this mission.**

• herpes and swine flu • swine flu Herpes • herpes swine flu [etc.] - Granted, I did pair these two afflictions in my post on swine flu, but since you're the ones earnestly seeking information, only I'm in the position to demand an explanation.

Are you worried swine flu's gonna turn your herpes sores into pork snouts, or something? Don't forget about your chicken pox. And acne. And anal warts that you just can't quite see or feel. I swear I'm sorry to add to your irrational fears. Really.

• do pigs have herpes? - Isn't that kind of an overly generic question whose answer ("well, yes, they can... but like you, they don't necessarily") paints pigs in an unfair light? Those guys have it pretty bad as it is, what with all that Semitic and Islamic disdain... talk about a backhanded compliment-- "I will never eat you! ...But only because you are too disgusting to eat."

We should all be so lucky.

• purell herpes - No. Just no. I'm sorry, but you'll need at least slightly stronger protection.

Or, you could not trust my judgment, and start taking a daily $200 bath in hand sanitizer and figure you're then rendered immortal.

• eatng out can give you herpies - (Wayne, NJ) Just what the ladies want guys to start rallying around! That is, assuming this searcher's talking about female humans. Given some of the other herpies-/sex-related searches --robots, pigs, dogs, toilet seats-- I can't be totally sure. It's all merely a moot point***, though, because pretty much everything in New Jersey can give you herpes anyway.

Also, for the record, I think your spelling of herpies is tremendously more endearing than the boring old herpes. That way, the germs seem like puppies or kitties! The International Herpes Council, which is now commanded to exist if it didn't already, really needs to get on this change immediately.

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* Based on their word choice, I'd say one's in love, and the other wants to play the field. Or dog park, I should say.

** Particularly you, Mr. Palmerton, Pennsylvania. Look to your town's founding fathers for guidance!

*** In using this word, I can't help but note that the word "moot" actually means "debatable", not "meaningless", which is how it is often used. So most of the time people invoke the label, they're not adding anything at all to what is already a debate over said point.

You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?

Huggy Bear's House of Coffee

Looking for a sordid tale of titillation at a Washington coffeehouse? Head on over to HotDads, to see my latest post with this great group bloggers of which I'm lucky to be a part.

If it doesn't make you want coffee with an unhealthy urgency, then I guarantee twice your money back.

Amusing searches, Vol. 2

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time a batch of private-part related questions and statements.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered.)

• attack of the one eyed monster - Please allow me to disillusion you... I think "attack" is really an unfair world. He's usually very friendly, though perhaps occasionally a bit overeager.

• I went pee in toilet and someone else's urine touched my vagina - From, wait for it... Regina*, Saskatchewan.

• can you get an STD from someone else's urine splashing onto your vagina - This was the very next day after the last one, from the same person, and seeing that made me wish I could somehow scream across the Internet, "No, you fool!"

• vaginal wash chimpanzee what is a experiment - I have no idea what would prompt this search, nor what I'd have to offer on this front, but suddenly I have an urge to check up on whoever is in charge of washing our nation's strategic supply of chimpanzee vaginas.

• orangutan ass picture - Only the finest quality product do I offer to you, dear readers. And now we've added yet another satisfied customer from Wroclaw, Poland.**

• "he's too pretty for his own good" - I'm impressed that my reputation has stretched as far as Kiel, Germany, but I'm not entirely surprised.

Sure, you might say, this one doesn't really involve private parts, per se, but I've included it here because whenever you think about how pretty I am, honestly, don't yours just get a nice, warm tingle?

• i keep catching my 4 year old son plays with his penis - This is one of those searches that clearly telegraphs the gender of the searcher.

And my question for her is as follows: Is your problem that you keep catching him doing it? 'Cause if you're looking for him to stop entirely, you've got a long line to get behind, and that line starts with the females of something even simpler than a squirrel monkey.

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* Pronounced, of course, "Reh-JI-na".

** I get searches for orangutan pictures every single day, and sometimes as many as 5 in one day, just because of that one post months ago. Who knew??

Not to belabor a theme, but...

I was informed by my son's school calendar that apparently today is something called "Labor Day".

Not having been a part of the traditional work force for almost two years now, I'm not quite clear what this means beyond my having to entertain a five-year-old for one extra day this week.

Calling on all my powers of deduction and forensic etymology training, I can only assume that this day must have something to do with honoring the struggle and sacrifice of our nation's childbearers.

Care to share any entertaining stories about your (or your significant other's) own labor experience?*

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* Before you answer, keep in mind that my wife J-, rightfully portrayed here most times as an overworked saint and generally sympathetic figure, had such fast labors that she has since declared a handful of other things as more painful than childbirth. Begin hating her... now!

Self-inflicted sterilization on 500 channels

Just like your mother always told you whenever she wasn't trying to use the TV as an unpaid babysitter, TV will fry your brain cells. But beyond that, it seems, it might also destroy any hope you have of growing your family larger than it already is.

Or at least that's the hope of the Indian government:

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Less sex, more TV idea aired in India

On World Population Day this year, India's new health and welfare minister came out with an idea on how to tackle the population issue: Bring electricity to every Indian village so that people would watch television until late at night and therefore be too tired to make babies.

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While they just might be on to something here, I have to point out that we Americans are having no problems increasing our population at what's traditionally been considered a reasonable rate.

Sure, a lot of that increase might come from illegal aliens jumping the fences to get a better look at our monstrous TVs, but still, we keep the Labor and Delivery nurses on their sensibly supported toes all by ourselves.

If the Indian government's logic was as sound as they seem to feel it is, can you imagine if someone took away America's national average of 8 hours a day of television time? Or, worse yet, our additional 7 daily hours of dicking around on the Internet?? Three billion of us would be packed in here like a typical American backside in a Chinese airplane seat!

We might even, through exposure, manage to grow past our Puritan repression and resulting obsession with sex as something illicit and get back to doing something meaningful with ourselves! I mean, besides making more selves.

Anyway, I tend to agree with this heroic 24-times-a-father from Uttar Pradesh:

"After watching TV," he says, "when we look at scintillating things, we will probably want to make more children."

Yep, that's pretty much how it works, buddy-- you're ahead of the curve!

Even if he's wrong, it's worth noting that although the poor are only getting electricity, at long last, in an attempt to trick them into abstinence, they will eventually learn that it can be used to do other helpful things like light one's house and refrigerate food. They might then feel so happy and hopeful they'll have a few more kids just to celebrate. Jai ho!