No mo NaBloPoMo

Well, in some ways the month just flew by, and even though I struggled at times, publishing a post once a day for a month wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. That being said, I'm still not up to publishing every day of the year.

I'm looking forward to taking a day off here and there, but if this month is any indication, I can keep finding something to say on most days for the foreseeable future. See you tomorrow!

Corporate intelligence, Vol. 2: AT&T

To follow up on their previous note, AT&T also felt compelled to inform me of the following this month (emphasis mine):

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ONLINE UPDATE
February 16th launched the new redesign of att.com, featuring task based navigation for Explore, Shop, Support, and MyAccount. Notice the vibrant use of orange, approachable tone of voice, and expressive use of photography. A new section called Explore, features and highlights AT&T's latest products, technology, and consumer information.

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They send me these important notes on my paper bill and online. I think maybe a very bitter, underappreciated employee has drunkenly stumbled out of his or her pity party and hijacked the customer notification system. Only after commanding people to openly acknowledge their hard work, which has foolishly been believed to be best when it's least noticeable, will they finally get all the praise and attention they've soldiered on without all these years.

So let's all be sure to mail in our To Whom It May Concern letters showing our appreciation as soon as humanly possible!

The laughing wounded

Another one (of just a precious few...) of the hidden benefits of having multiple kids, versus having just one, is that wailing and whining over minor (or even non-) injuries is greatly reduced, without your having to do anything at all. This is at least true at the age my kids are (3 and 1), though I can see when you throw in scamming and scheming as they get older, the whining could actually increase over time. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

For the time being, though, I can't tell you how many times I've heard a head go "donk" in the afternoon, then silence for a second, and instead of crying next I hear laughing. This laughing, of the non-injured party (of course), is closely followed by the laughter of the successfully infected afflicted party.

This phenomenon works the same for both kids throughout the day, and let me tell you, I relish being freed of the constant dilemma of, "do I encourage the kid to fall apart at every little thing by fawning over him/her and checking for injuries, or do I seem heartless by basically not reacting at all?"

Between those two choices, I tend towards the latter most of the time, since it's usually pretty clear what warrants attention and what doesn't. I wait to see if the kid is shocked or otherwise on the fence about the event, and if so, I say something like, "Whoopsy!" in a happy voice. If it's for real, there's not usually a need to wonder about it. The rest of the time, I say if the kid wants a hug, why not, but otherwise it's no big deal. This has served us well so far. [A side note to the prospective parents out there: babies understand when they're being openly mocked at an astoundingly young age.]

By this point, if D- is crying or complaining about an injury, unless he's just really tired and cranky, you know he's earned it, and he can have some coddling. I don't think this will be an issue with the bulldog that is M-, but we still have to maintain my aloof demeanor to make sure we don't break her.

Outside whatever J- and I are teaching them with this, what they are teaching each other now is that watching other people get minorly injured is generally pretty funny, but then that's just a universal truth we all discover eventually. If you haven't yet, and especially if you already have, I highly recommend going to YouTube and searching for "people falling". If you're too lazy for that, here's a sample:

Recipe for destruction

While typing up one of the blog posts this week, I was frequently leaning back in my chair to peek into the dining room where the kids were playing, all of 12 feet from me, and the following happened in the space of 2 minutes between peeks:

D- threw a giant rubber ball at M-'s Snack Trap cup full of Goldfish crackers, which jostled the lid loose. I had heard the ball throwing and scolded him, but he neglected to mention the result of said throw, which is out of character for him.

With the lid loose, M- was duty-bound to pull it the rest of the way off and silently (somehow) dump the crackers on the floor, and D- was curiosity-bound to watch without alerting me. M- proceeded to delicately stomp on each of the crackers while D- had a grand old time consistent with any unsuspicious and legal game of merriment.

And here's how aptly named our household routine is:

I leaned back over, saw the enormous mess all over the floor (luckily hardwood), and invoked M-'s full name in a stern voice. Without prompting, she immediately sat herself down (of course on some crackers that had survived the massacre up to that point), and quietly awaited my strides over to her. She greeted my arrival with as droll a recital of, "No, no, no" that a 1-year-old could possibly manage.

Employing parenting instincts so finely honed in the fire of raising a previous baby, rather than reacting to this magic word or dignifying her defiantly smug mockery, I simply said, "That's right-- 'No, no, no!' " I then lectured her as usual, finished rolling her in the cracker crumbs, and baked her for 45 minutes until golden brown.

The best part of waking up... is not to

You know what's great? Having your wife finally home from all her wanderings and willing to get up in the morning to watch the kids so you can sleep in just a little, for the first time in too long a time.

Of course, by this point your lousy kids have long ago programmed your body to just wake up in the morning no matter how much sleep you've actually gotten. But it's nice to be able to ease into the day, anyway.

Or so I've heard.

Things I found in my bed last night

Maybe I should stop leaving our bedroom door open during the day-- here is a list of:

Things I found in my bed last night

1. Extremely disheveled sheets and blankets.

2. A toy car.

3. A pre-worn 3-to-9-month-sized onesie (what can I say, the baby-o's on the small side) that I had put in the hamper.

4. An oversized rubber Winnie the Pooh ball.

5. Some of my wife's freshly-laundered (a week ago now, actually...) clothes she has yet to put away (what with the wedding shower planning and now her trip to speak at Katie's school).

6. A pencil.

7. A little book shaped like Tigger's face.

8. A (clean) size 3 diaper.

9. A half-full sippy cup.

And then, to contrast that list with my pre-marriage-and-children days, here are the:

Things I used to find in my bed

1. (See number one in the list above.)

2. Myself sleeping, more than just occasionally.

Yet another reason why I love my son

After intently watching the anti-blind-consumerist The Story of Stuff (maybe another post on that later) on the computer with me, I put on Wallace and Gromit's three shorts, since I promised D- we could watch a movie while Momma was out of town for a few days. Just as the third one was finishing, he sat up on the couch and said, "I wanna turn off the TV."

Perhaps there's hope for the future after all.

P.S. Just now, he wanted to sit on my lap to see what I was doing that was so much more important than playing with him (what is, really?). He looked over the page, pointed to "TV" and asked, "Why did you write the word 'TV'?" The reading begins.

Kamikaze baby

I realize the hypocritical folly in shouting at a toddler to stop screaming at every little thing, but you know, sometimes I just can't stop myself. Man, that baby's got lungs. It's like living with a two-foot-tall fire truck siren.

Here are a few dialogue samples:

D-: M-, don't take that toy away from me!
M-: Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!
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Me: M-, get down off that stair...
M-: Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!
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J-: M-, put down that knife!
M-: Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! (stab)
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M-: Hun-gee!
Me: M-, are you hungry?
M-: Nohhh!!
Me: Well, why did you say "hungry" then?
M-: Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

Okay, so one of those is made up, but if you heard her scream, you wouldn't think it was far behind.

Developments at our house, Vol. 3

Some more developments at our house in the past few days:

1. I accidentally left M- unattended with a yogurt cup on the coffee table, and I didn't end up with yogurt all over the couch, or anything at all for that matter. We must be making progress.

2. D- discovered the ability to step on his own finger, and how frustrating it is when you have no one to blame but yourself for pain.

3. M- sneezed and a miniature (appropriately enough) chocolate chip flew out of her mouth and hit my foot. I have no idea where she got this from, so I've gone ahead and assumed that D- dropped one at some point earlier in the week. It's too strange to ponder beyond that.

4. Possibly in an attempt to top M- and her chocolate chip, D- turned up at my brother's fiancee's bridal shower this weekend (at my parents' house) chewing on an unidentified black chunk of something. This was brought to my attention, since he was showing it off upon request but was unable to explain what it was.

I took a look at it and had no more luck recognizing it, and all I could get out of him was that he found it somewhere at our house before we left. The closest thing I could guess it was is half a dried blueberry (uncooked, hence all the chewing) from the "Mixed Berry" oatmeal he had the previous day. Again, guessing beyond that is too intimidating.

5. M- has begun insistently calling out "Deet! Deet!!" (meaning "teeth", not the potent insecticide) and tugging on pant legs whenever any of us are brushing our teeth, standing near a tooth brush, using or standing near any other type of brush, or whenever she remembers she has teeth. Apparently we won't have to worry too much about dental hygiene with either of our kids. J-'s curse may be broken already.

6. D- was sitting on the couch staring off into space, then he suddenly said "What? Did you say something?" I said, "Nope." He thought for a second and said, "Did I?"

Space cadet, indeed.

Note: Here are the other volumes.

Merry Eastermas

There's just nothing better to recognize the death and resurrection of your favorite savior than purchasing and consuming the very finest hard liquors available at what are quite simply the best prices in town, if the Easter Sale flyer I received from a local liquor store this week is any indication.

This just begs one multi-part question, for me-- since even winos deserve Easter excitement, I wonder if bourbon shots would leak out of those plastic Easter eggs, and if so, how big of a market would there be for watertight eggs intended for imbibing such spirits for the Lord? And if this market was to be capitalized, would there be a marked enough decrease in church attendance on Easter morning to warrant a much-sought condemnation from the Pope?

At our house, we'll leave this question rhetorical and stick with the candy in baskets. But then, I would posit that eating five eggs' worth of jelly beans at once could leave you in much the same state as taking an equal portion of booze. M-, for one, is definitely already drunk on the power of eagerly calling out "meh-whoa!" to get a mini marshmallow placed in her hand. Her judgment clouded, she decided this morning to steal D-'s egg of marshmallows and run to the other room to devour them as quickly as possible.

Even Ms. Chubbycheeks was clearly at maximum capacity by the time we found where she had gone to. But by the look on her face, she felt it was worth it. Luckily the Easter Bunny left the rest of the marshmallow bag in the cabinet...

One parting note; D- has already nailed down the spirit of Easter, and by extension Christmas-- he told M- she should climb back down off the stairs, as Daddy was demanding, because, "You should not do naughty things on Easter!" As an aside to my dad and me, as much as to continue his mentoring of his sister, he added, "You only do good things, so you can get stuff." I asked if that was what it was all about, and he confirmed that yes, yes it is.

So there you have it. Take that, Hokey Pokey!