A monologue from M-: Keep your powder dry, and your crayons sharp

All three* of my children are very intelligent, but they definitely have different ways of manifesting these smarts. This is in part because they just have different ways of thinking, and one way my 4-year-old daughter stands apart is that much of her thought process happens out loud, and usually far beyond what would be considered necessary volume.

For example, the following puzzle is excerpted from a longer chain of thoughts idly expressed --without interruption by me-- as we colored a life-sized outline of her body for her dance class:

M-: ... If you need any crayons** sharpened, I'VE got a crayon sharpener... It's really nice, because you can sharpen any crayon you want, anytime, and you can never lose it, because it's attached to the big box of crayons, and that would be really hard to lose. ...Actually, I don't know where it is right now... I think we lost the big box of crayons... I lost my crayon sharpener, Dad.

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* Updated banner coming, someday, someday...

** Notable fact: We were using markers, there was nary a crayon to be seen.

Classic quotes, Vol. 33

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, my 7-year-old son D-, and my infant son E-:

M- (referring to E-, known to be a bit drooly as his teeth come in): I kissed him on the head... because I don't kiss babies on the mouth.

D- (after I helpfully pointed out that he might not like working for the Lego company so much, since they'd make him WORK, and turn his fun hobby into a chore): Oh no, I would LOVE that job, because Legos are... (at a temporary loss for words, eyes suddenly bulging) my LIFE!*

M- (eagerly, when told I also made a necklace of Fruit Loops when I was a kid): Do you still HAVE your necklace??

E- (every chance he gets, expressing himself through mime, as he's only 9 months old): Here, let me hold your face still with one hand, so I can better rip those elusive glasses right off your face.

M- (when told she has a very big vocabulary): What does that word mean?

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* These days, it'd be hard to argue with him... well, I should say, harder to argue with him on this topic than on every single other topic that comes up.

A conversation between M- and J-: They call me MISTER Princess!

The following short but sweet conversation between my wife J- and my 4-year-old daughter M- speaks volumes about what we face these days with our little "senior in preschool".

J- (obviously quite serious, calling her over a second time for a reprimand): Excuse me, ma'am!

M- (pointedly referring to her ongoing game, to explain her previous lack of response): Do you mean, "Princess"??

J-: No, I do NOT mean "Princess"!

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* She'll have put in two and a half years before kindergarten!

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, J- conversations, and (7YO son) D- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 32

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M- (who's clearly very into music lately) and my 7-year-old son D-:

M- (referring to my new organization for all the outside toys): You are the Superman of balls, Dad!!

D- (when asked what was so funny while walking into the room, as if casually relishing a tasty morsel): Oh; M- told an UN-appropriate joke a minute ago... (chuckling some more)

M- (singing): There was a farmer who had a dog... whose name was Bingo... (slowly remembering, without much concern, that she 1) doesn't know how to spell things, and 2) didn't perfectly memorize the lyrics to work around this handicap) ...G-L...I-N!!

D- (trying to cushion the blow to the chef's ego on omelet night): THIS part I don't like? (pointing to the "egg" part) ...but everything else I like... (forcing an encouraging smile)

M- (emphatically, while eating "fruit on the bottom" raspberry yogurt): When you stir it all up and smoothen it out, D-, it's REALLY good. It's like a strawberry sur-VEY* or something. It's a really good strawberry sur-VEY!

M- (practically screaming, while strumming a toy guitar): I'm going to start a BAND!!! (after being asked if it will be a loud one) OH yeah!!!

M- (part of a much longer, and clearly very inspiring, song she was cranking out on her guitar and microphone): "We arrrrrre kiiiiiiiiids... but we will grow uuup one dayyyyyyy... and weeeee willll have a houuuuuuse... // And we will have to pay our mortgagggggge, eeeeeeeveryyyyyy dayyyyyyy..."

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* Maybe a cross between "sorbet" and "parfait"? Either way, it was said about 100 times in that snooty tone of voice people use when trying to authentically pronounce the only foreign loan word in a sentence.

A conversation with M- and D-: I see your unbeatable strength, and raise you my imagination

While setting up a sort of industrial-strength collapsible steel bin in the garage yesterday, I stood on it so I could reach each of the sides at once. My 7-year-old son D- and 4-year-old daughter M- were immediately shocked that this device could EVEN hold up DAD!

I informed them that it could probably hold up an elephant, since it's made of centimeter-thick hardened steel bars crisscrossed in a grid of one-inch squares, supported by large, thick, solid-steel feet. I made the mistake of adding, for effect, that they couldn't break it if they tried.

They immediately took this as a personal challenge, and sought to undermine it the only way they knew how.

D- (conversationally): Well, the Incredible Hulk, if he was here, he could just SMASH it like that. Right?

Me (distracted): Sure, I guess... since he's not real, and they can make up anything they want about him.

D- (strangely triumphant): Yeah, so he could...

M- (looking to contribute): And they made up that he's the strongest guy in the whole world... so HE could break this if he wanted to, but we couldn't.

D- (exultant, but now totally off topic): HE could break ANYthing... he's so awesome. ERRRRRRGGHHH...

M-: Yeah!

This went on for a few more idle minutes. Meanwhile, thoroughly put in my place, I continued to feebly assemble this contraption as their own personal ball- and toy-storage bin. And of course, I then had to lay down for a few hours to regain what meager strength I manage to muster each day.

Potential book titles, Vol. 3

Here are a few more titles of fiction and nonfiction books I might write, if I ever manage to finish something* that takes more than 10 minutes at a time:

Leftover Birthday Cake: Why Parents Have Been Having Children Since Ancient Times

Why Would I Even Have To Forewarn You To Not Put That In Your Mouth??

Enter Title Here: Sometimes I Put Things Off A Bit Too Long

Put That Down: When I Said I Wouldn't Tell You Again, I Meant After This Time

I'm Starting To Understand Why People Demolish And Rebuild, Waste Be Damned: A Home Remodeling Story

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* Such as writing a decent blog post of substance.

Amusing searches, Vol. 15

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, in this case all to one post-- we'll again call this The Least Depressing Searches That Led People to my 10 Reasons my 3-Year-Old Son May be Homosexual Post.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)


• why is my 5 year old son's tooth sensitive to hot? (Oshawa, Ontario) - I'm guessing because his central nervous system works. Don't worry, though, that should clear up in a few years

• my 3 year old son trys on clothes in secret (Marathon, WI) - If your 3-year-old is able to somewhat competently put on and take off a whole outfit, I wouldn't worry too much about what he or she puts on in particular. Just enjoy the extra 10 minutes of sleep you'll get in the morning.

• how long is a normal 12 year olds penis (Hailsham, UK) - Oh, I dunno... anywhere between, say, 1 inch and 15 inches? Just like the range for everyone else? (Most women excluded.) One can only hope you're keeping this preoccupation to yourself.

• what is wrong with my 3 year old (Leicester, UK) - Assuming your 3-year-old is like most, let's see... 1) He smells like he doesn't much care for baths; 2) He really could stand to wipe his nose, but not on his clothes again; 3) He should be returned for warranty service on his volume control; 4) He's just so needy! I mean, seriously, does he EVER help with chores, or carry YOU in from the car? And 5) The kid doesn't even know how to read!

Things that amuse me, Vol. 9

Here's another selection of items that have been amusing me these days:

1. Only a kid* can be taken just as seriously with chocolate smeared all over his face as he is any other day and time.

2. Much like a dog chasing a car until it slams on the brakes, every time I succeed in swatting a fly with my bare hands, I immediately regret even attempting it. And yet, there I am again swinging away the next time.

3. My wife --who shudders at the mere thought of an insect** going about its life far underground, much less anywhere inside her house or immediate one-mile area-- so craves the attention of a cat that, when faced with what I'll call my Dismayed Reaction to her observation of fleas and ticks on the stray cat she and our kids had been frequently petting for a few days, she shrugged them off and casually explained, "You just need to wash your hands..."

4. My two older children, D- (7-year-old son) and M- (4-year-old daughter), have lately alternated between 1) experimenting with the power of demanding privacy in the bathroom/when changing; and 2) loudly offering each other audiences before their porcelain throne/mooning each other at will.

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* Or possibly Hitler.

** Even a firefly!

Classic quotes, Vol. 31

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 7-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

D- (to my mom, after he chose to dump unhealthy amounts of cinnamon on his toast): Your cinnamon is really HOT!

M- (missing the point of a race during Cars 2): Why are they driving so fast??

J- (mindlessly talking aloud to herself, after realizing Father's Day was approaching): Oh, sh*t, that's coming up already...

D- (as my dad tried to point out that he wasn't listening to the requested story he was reading aloud): What??! I can not hear you over the sound of me talking!

M- (shouting at J-, who had quietly advised her to really start sleeping, while she was pretending to sleep): I am, MOM!

J- (suffering through a diet, as M- pulled a pack of Hostess cupcakes off a grocery shelf): Put that down right now! (muttering to herself) Put it down before I buy them...

M- (ending a series of overly dramatic comments about a forklift she was hearing at Costco): Watch out, that fork lifter's going to fork us up!!

Important Question: If I didn't notice a sparkle, can it still be a vampire?

This is the kind of urgent question that cannot wait until it's not the middle of the night to ask of The Internet.

This evening, close to midnight, we were shocked to discover an intruder in the house that may be either a bat or some kind of darting swift or swallow. It didn't stop panickedly swooping toward my indefensibles long enough for me to get a good look at it before finding a safe enough nook in which to plot its revenge.*

So, after several fruitless hours of searching, the question I have for you all is this:

Which one of us will wake up with this thing on our face?

It's kind of important that we know this as soon as possible. Please share your educated hypothesis** in the comments.

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* And J- couldn't see much from under the blanket, where she was, quote, "Protecting the baby."

** Additionally, I suppose, you could answer by telling us who will never wake up after this thing was on our faces?