A lion in autumn

An e-mail I recently received from Buy.com asked the deceptively simple question, "What will you be this Halloween?"

That quandary was immediately and permanently addressed within the body of that very e-mail, in the form of a timeless treasure buried beneath a pile of boring, foolish, or even mildly ridiculous costumes: "A Sexy Wizard of Oz Cowardly Lion!"

Just in case one did not immediately grasp the magic inherent in those words, they included a siren song for the eyes:

Seems astonishingly obvious once you hear it and see it laid out like this, doesn't it? I mean, right here you have the very heart* of the film if not of the original book series itself! The whole narrative, this fictional universe, it all begins to collapse without the hefty weight of the Cowardly Lion's sex appeal anchoring it all --unspoken, undescribed, unobserved... possibly nonexistent-- and yet I'll bet you never once thought of it before now. Genius. Just genius.

Now, granted, the "sexiness" of this particular creation is highly dependent on the nature of the clay used to craft it, but I'm pretty confident I have the body to pull it off. The only real stumbling block to my undisputed ownership of this and all future Halloweens is the fact that it's currently on sale for $77.

I may have to let some pretender claim my throne, for that price. Or else, hmmmm... what would one of those craft bloggers do?

I'm off to find where I left my tan Spanx bodysuit and faux-fur boots 'n' muff!

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* Tin Woodman be damned. Again.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 13

Though nasty she may frequently be these days, as she adjusts to waking up early for kindergarten, my 5-year-old daughter M- apparently still manages to be amusing enough to dominate the quote lists as well as this, the latest list of Things That Have Been Amusing Me recently:

1. When trying to find the words to describe the chaos that results from trying to simultaneously treat (and bathe!) eight 2-month-old kittens for fleas in the same evening, this is what she came up with: "It's like a KITTEN NURSERY in here! ...Except a kitten nursery run by drunk people who have no idea what they're doing!" It was an inspiring vote of confidence.

2. When trying to clarify what she saw when retelling part of a Tintin cartoon she'd watched, M- asked, "Wait, do 'bombs' have little, like, tails coming out of them?"

3. Kids love to keep you guessing... as I watched my 1-year-old son E- cruising around the school one morning, eating a tiny banana for breakfast and loving the independence, I figured I'd need to be on the lookout for the moment he would be struck with the unoriginal inspiration to rub it all over the disgusting hallway floor before taking another bite.

Instead, he decided to throw me a curveball by waiting till I blinked to subtly pick up some kind of mysteriously blackened bark chip off that floor and then stick it directly INTO the banana, for absolutely no reason at all. It's not as if he could say, "Oh, my mistake-- I thought it was that OTHER kind of thing we commonly shove into our bananas!" Even after 8 years of this, I was just not prepared for that move.

Classic quotes, Vol. 39

Here are a few recent notable quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, and, in his quote-list debut, my 20-month-old son E-:

M- (among her rules for decorating the cakes from her little cake-making kit): No punching, no kicking, and no head-butting.

D- (smiling while reminiscing, after I pointed out he and his sister have already taught their little brother E- to laugh at mentions of bodily functions, by example): Yeah... heh-heh... we have...

M- (the day after the Olympics ended, out of the blue): I want to wear an outfit like those... who are those people, again, who jump over those GIANT hurdles? (Me: "Hurdlers?") Yes, hurdlers. I want to wear those shorts and one of those shirts, that shows my belly, then people will think I'm one of them! (giggles)

E- (begging for a bite of popsicle from his big brother D-): Bite! Biiiiite!! (after digging a tiny Nerf gun into his chest) Bite.

Super fun vacation time for old ladies

Well, after a few years of working from home while watching the kids (easier with all-day school, for sure!), and thus splitting responsibilities a lot more with my wife J- than I had been, I'm now ankle-deep in a taste of juggling everything by myself again for a week and a half: J- is taking a vacation with my sister and her friend to hang around a beach house and reflect on turning 30 and 25, respectively.

I shouldn't complain, since I took a similar trip with my brother last year* when I turned 30, but who would I be if I didn't? I mean, you may not realize it, given my laughably outdated banner up there, but I'm dealing with an 8-year-old, a 5-year-old, a 19-month-old, a basement full of fleas, and a garage full of 9 cats**, whereas J- only had to deal with a 7-year-old, a 4-year-old, a 7-month-old, a kitchen being drywalled, and a very welcome mother cat and three kittens*** who'd recently shown up on our doorstep out here in Cat Country.

So, clearly, the difference is night and day.

J- dealt with the stress last year by buying them off with a promise to have candy for dinner, and then following through in legendary form.

Problem for me is, not only do they now have their bars set somewhere just above, "There is such a thing as candy for dinner", but they've already spent most of this summer being spoiled by one set of grandparents or another, to the point that the older two wouldn't bat an eyelash at being handed the keys to their own set of his-and-hers hovercrafts.

So what am I supposed to do?

All I've come up with so far is to go totally the other way and just put them to work as much as possible, to make them really appreciate heading back to school soon, as a break in their strict schedule of Cleaning Up After Myself, plus Other Light Chores****. It seems to be working pretty well, knock on wood... for me, at least.

I think they'll be happy to see Momma walk through the door.

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* Of course I didn't take the opportunity to get back into writing real blog posts at the time, because that would make too much sense.

** Now that we found a home for one of the 8 kittens born in two litters within two days back in May...

*** The surviving kitten of which just had her first litter (of 5) in our garage at almost exactly 1 year old.

**** The latter of which generally gets bumped off the schedule, due to the first show running long...

Amusing searches, Vol. 17

Here are some more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• is too many orgasm fatal - Honestly, for the last time, I don't know, but I suppose you'll have a lot of fun pioneering this important research.

• pic of odd middle aged mom (Bournemouth, UK) - I certainly do make an odd middle-aged mom, I grant you that. But I charge for pictures.

• dead animal smell in vagina (Modesto, CA) - Ahhh, yes, this is a common side effect of passing out in the woods while wearing edible underwear. I'd suggest not doing this anymore, or if you must, at least lay out some traps first rather than relying on suffocation as your method of execution, given the difficult and awkward process of corpse extrication the next morning.

• orangutan named Karl (Lake Worth, FL) - I'm sorry, you must have been looking for my orangutan-related dating site, takingadvantageoforangutanobsessions.com

• my three-year-old son is an asshole - Aren't they all, really? In fact, I think this is just a slightly-less-PC version of the milestone label doctors have always used.

Classic quotes, Vol. 38

Here are a few recent notable quotes from my 8-year-old son D- and my 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (amused by my response to her claim that she and D- will become spies when they grow up): No, we wouldn't have to work hard in school for it, it's all very easy!

D- (with slack-jawed awe, quietly to himself while watching The Avengers at a drive-in, after a giant flying robot-bug ship crashed into a building): Now thaaaaaat's... somethin'...

M- (as if I could have no idea what she's talking about, after she cleared her lunch plate): I'm going to go ask Mom something... (mysteriously) because it's something that can only happen after lunch...

A conversation with D-: The patriot in a nation of shopkeepers

Like many people, my 8-year-old son D- seems to vacillate between ambitious craftiness and practical ingenuity one day, to mindless materialism and sensible shortcuts the next. I have the makings of an impressive wood shop out here, and my wife has a wide array of craft materials and tools herself, so plenty of costumes and toys have sprung from our collective imagination, when spurred on by circumstances.

Most of the rest of the time, though, all our grand crafting plans remain safely that-- plans. One always has higher hopes for the next generation, although as this conversation shows, that hope is probably wasted:

D- (holding a new package of 36 Nerf darts): Dad, can I maybe open just a part of this box and, like, hook it on my belt or something, like this, so I can just --"bam-bam"-- pull out more darts after I shoot my six?

Me (looking to encourage this attitude while focusing the energy on something more functional and rewarding): So what you want is an ammo belt, or a bandolier? That sounds like something you could make pretty easily, if you want. You just need little loops or pockets running along the strap-- you could work with Momma and maybe even use the sewing machine!

D- (looking exhausted at the thought, and a bit like maybe this concept is new to me): ...You know, we could also just go to the store and BUY one of those... (immediately turning to walk away without a shred of faith that his point would be seriously considered)

Me (seeing the writing on the wall, but taking a valiant stab anyway): But then it wouldn't be as sturdy, or made exactly the way you need it, and... (hearing his feet hit the bottom of the stairs) ...Ah, never mind...

Maybe if the temperature finally drops below 90 one of these days, he might catch that spark again. Even with the AC going, who really feels like getting off the couch long enough to make something like that? Probably a lot of go-getters and high-achievers and moderately-functional-adults, that's who, but who needs those showoffs?

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You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, (5YO daughter) M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

A conversation with M-: Count me out

After more than eight years of parenting, my wife J- and I consider ourselves pretty skilled at manipulating each of our three kids like puppets, using whatever tools fit each kid at a given moment.

Sometimes, though, they show flashes of the similarly wonderful parents they may become themselves, someday:

J- (wanting a favor from our 5-year-old daughter M-, spinning it with a reliable phrase): So M-, can I count on you?

M- (not in the mood to help, and looking for a loophole): Ummmm... well, no, not today. (walking out of the room) I don't want anyone counting on me today.

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, J- conversations, and (8YO son) D- conversations.

A conversation with J-: Sleeping the sleep of the wrong

The following is a conversation I recently had with my wife J- (while she was resting on the couch) and our 8-year-old son D-, about our 5-year-old daughter M-:

Me (asking D- and a dozing J-, wondering if M- was in the bathroom or off playing somewhere): Where's M-?

D-: She's in the playroom

J- (oddly forcefully, as if we're all fools to have forgotten about this while she lay there resting, secretly wide awake): No, she's out getting her hair done!

Me (trying to take her at face value, since she's usually the authority on things like this): What?? Where?

J-: Nevermind.

M- (from playroom): What do you neeeed?

Me: ...Did you just have a dream that M- went out to a hair salon?

J-: Yes.

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You may enjoy my previous J- conversations, D- conversations, and M- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 37

Here's a selection of some recent notable quotes, this time (again) all from my very quotable 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (apropos of nothing one day, after she'd been playing by herself.... possibly a sign she may have been playing with her older brother too much): I would be a great astronaut-killer! (asked to elaborate) It's a guy who attacks and fights astronauts!

M- (showing off her strength, before almost falling over a basketball her little brother E- had accidentally rolled in her path): I can carry this HUGE chair, Dad! ... As long as E- keeps his BALLS out of the way...

M- (coming breathlessly into our room one morning, after we'd ignored an automated call identified as coming from my wife's teacher union): It's an URGENT call, on the answering machine-- it's an emergency! They're attacking our pensions, and our rights, and we need to vote!

M- (referring to Silly String, in a voice like a commercial): Kids LOVE this stuff!!