09 September 2008

Potential book titles, Vol. 2

Here are a few more select titles of stirring fiction and nonfiction books I might write, should I ever get my act together:

A Book In Which The Noble Husband Tragically Dies, To Make You Briefly Appreciate Yours More

Chasing the Dragon: One Day, I Will Finish Reading Everything On The Internet

A Book In Which The Wife Dies, To Make My Wife Briefly Appreciate Me More (Via Numerous Stirring Proxy Tributes)

Shut Up: It's Just Been One Of Those Lives

Whatever I Do Is Cool, And Whatever I Say Is Genius: I'm In Oprah's Book Club Now

26 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

I should very much like to contribute to Shut Up:It's Been One of Those Lives.

tysdaddy said...

Here's the title of a book I'm working on . . .

"I'm Right, You're Wrong!" Or, Why My Wife Stabbed Me And Kicked Me Out With Nary An Explanation. Or, A Memoir About Recovering From Lacerations to the Chest And Genitals.

Yeah . . .

Christy said...

What's with all the dying tragically? Could you just tragically have a (for lack of a better word) tragic accident in order to be appreciated more? I think a full body cast might induce a bit more sympathy...

thegirlof510 said...

The last one is pure gold - do it, and I'm sure you WILL end up in Oprah's book club. I don't watch her show, but doesn't she have a good sense of humor?

Nil Zed said...

About the one in which the noble husband tragically dies to make (us) appreciate (ours) more.

One of the main plots in romance novels is the one in which the noble husband dies. Reading these does not make us appreciate our husbands, rather, it makes us recall, yet again, that our husbands aren't that noble, and also, they leave dirty socks on the floor and fail to come up with nearly as gentle, romantic, touching and yet hot opening sexual gambit as either the dead noble husband or the guy that she's going to resist for 265 pages and 1 paragraph, then fall for and marry in the last chapter. (or have hot sex with on page 266, depending on the modernity of the novel.)

Mama Dawg said...

Ummmm....I'd buy the last one. But only if it's in the dollar bin at Barnes and Noble.

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Or my fave:

"I Enjoy Fondling Decomposed Intestines and Talking about Farts: How I Became Oprah's Favorite Doctor"

Chris said...

Man, you missed one...

Stop it Now! and Other Things to Scream at the Voices in Your Head

-Chris
Weather Moose

Kat said...

All Brilliant. My book is going to be call "I can pee without an audience! and Other Things I never Thought I Would Say to My Kids"

Kori said...

You have rendered me speechless, which is quite a feat.

Allison said...

What about: "I Told You So: Trials and Tribulations of Always Being Right."

Laggin said...

Sadly, I think some version of "A Book In Which The Noble Husband Tragically Dies, To Make You Briefly Appreciate Yours More," is what has been on Eldest's mind lately. :[

Natalie said...

well now my bookshelf is going to be full of fun titles to read! i already put in an order for one of each of the last list you suggested. add these to it and i will be the envy of the whole block!

LiteralDan said...

Middle Aged Woman: Hey why not? Help me get the ball rolling.

tysdaddy: I hope that one's fictional, and if not, I'm glad it's not my project! Still, I bet you were totally right.

Christy: No way-- you have to go all the way and die for all your sins to become perfect. Or maybe fake your death and come back to collect the goodwill. ...Which you would probably have already spent by faking your own death... there's no way to win.

thegirlof510: I think she may have a good sense of humor buried under a ruthless businessperson's cold calculations. But who knows? There's always hope!

Nil Zed: I already foresaw that problem and I will have built in similar habits to my character, so I can somehow turn them into endearing quirks, instead of having the main character just regret not getting the chance to finish him off herself.

Mama Dawg: Ouch! Actually, I don't blame you. I can only assume they would send that one dollar to me when you bought it.

Motherhood Uncensored: I would love to know how he became her favorite, though he is pretty cool. Dr. Oz episodes are one of the few things I miss about my wife recording Oprah all the time.

Chris: The voices in my head say it's best not to publicly acknowledge them.

Oops. Sorry guys.

Kat: Nice-- I could easily provide you with a few hundred pages if you want to capitalize on a spinoff.

Kori: I think that comment needed to be a footnote to be technically correct. I'll keep trying for true speechlessness.

Allison: That one is awesome! Can I co-write that one with you??

Laggin: Sad, sad. You need to go rent her a violent revenge movie, or something, to send her the other way with it.

Miss Grace said...

I'm busy working on my two-page weightloss diet book (title as of yet undecided):
page 1: Eat less.
page 2: Exercise more.

How to Party with an Infant said...

Looking forward to reading "Shut Up: It's Just been one of those Lives."
Actually, a title I could see working. The contents just have to show the lessons you've learned and how you're so happy now, and are such a good father because of ____.
Oprah would dig it if it included some kind of spirituality or if your bitterness was sourced in being molested.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I LOVE the title, "Shut Up, It's Just Been One of Those Lives".

I would buy that book based on the title alone. Even if the cover graphics were bad. And that's saying A LOT!

muskrat said...

I'm working on "How I spent my ridiculously ginormous lottery winnings in just 30 days, all the while giving Richard Pryor the bird, because I didn't even need his advice."

It's gonna kick ass.

Bad Momma said...

How about Cage-Fighting for Dummies?

LiteralDan said...

Natalie: I'm not sure how I missed replying to your comment the first time through, but it's distinctly possible I was just blinded by your brilliance. There, did that make up for it?

If not, it's just something to do with the time difference from Turkey, and stuff.

Miss Grace: I would buy boxes of that book just to hand them out all over town.

However, I would likely continue my middling success in following that plan. What can I say? I'm weak.

How to Party with an Infant: Niiiiiiiiice. And true. I should know-- I've watched many, many hours of Oprah. (More than I ever wanted, so I'm done now. Forever. I promise.)

Andrea's Sweet Life: I can assure you-- the cover graphics would be real, and they would be fantastic!

muskrat: Let me give you a tip-- a memoir would be much easier than a novel, on that score, though once you lived it you probably would have little desire or need to write it.

So I retract that tip in favor of just letting you plug away at the fictional version. As a sidenote, though, we all need Richard Pryor's advice, so don't go throwing the baby out with the bathwater and ruining it for the rest of us.

Bad Momma: No thanks, I'll let you write that one. Oooohhh, burrrrrnnnnn!!! [Everyone else: It's a long story.]

Always Home and Uncool said...

I wish there was a job where all you did all day was right titles and opening paragraphs for others to finish. You'd be the first hire.

LiteralDan said...

My friend, you have no idea. If there's one thing I can do, it's dream big and quit after an auspicious (at least in my own head) beginning.

Mary said...

I'm thinking the noble husband in your house is feeling a bit unappreciated. Maybe don't steal her candy.

TerriRainer said...

I think the last two are definite winners!

:) Terri

jenboglass said...

Genius! Would you consider a few contributions in the mystery genere?

A Mother's Heartbreak: Who Clogged The Toilet With Toilet Paper?

Scratch & Dent: The Case of the Marred Kitchen Table That Now Has Scratch Marks That Exactly Match the Tires on All Those Matchbox Cars in a Pile Under Said Table.

I've seen your comments on other blogs and I think you are hilarious! Thanks for stopping by. I'll be back. That's not a threat.

LiteralDan said...

Mary: Not any more than usual-- I just know it never hurts to have a bank of goodwill or guilt-will to spend when needed.

TerriRainer: Thank you, ma'am.

jenboglass: I love those, and they could have very easily come from my house, for whatever that's worth.

I think by saying it's not a threat, you made it somehow more threatening. I happily welcome you to This Old Blog, but I will definitely be watching my back, just in case...