17 September 2008

Indisputable facts, Vol. 1

The following is a list of indisputable facts, according to the ultimate authority:

1. If you have to wonder whether the water you're wringing out of a ruined basement carpet is composed even partially of sewage, you may as well just stop wondering. It will only make the carrying of the giant, dripping rolls to the garbage less pleasant.

2. It is inadvisable to allow a four-year-old to put his finger in your mouth, especially if you have not personally washed his hands thoroughly within the last 13 seconds.

3. In the entire history of their existence, car alarms have never served any purpose other than to go off at inopportune times and irritate the s*** out of everyone, a group which most importantly includes myself.

4. Vin Diesel's best movie is still The Iron Giant.

5. I have a problematic compulsion to shave the world down to multiples of five.

39 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

When LiteralDan types "s***" I do not assume it is a swear-word, I assume I missed the first two footnotes.

Goldfish said...

Before I personally owned one, I had no idea what public health hazards four-year-olds are. As is sewage in your carpet, I suppose.

Always Home and Uncool said...

I sense linkage between Facts 1 and 2.

MamaNeena said...

Okay, was all of this happening at once!?

Shannon said...

Oh, completely agree with you about Vin Diesel!

Brittany said...

I find it disgusting I am now in the habit of selling fingers before they are jabbed at my mouth, eyes or ears.

Seriously Mama said...

Germ ridden basement carpets and germ ridden four year olds. Match made in heaven.

Keely said...

Doesn't your brain hurt if you get like, 13 comments instead of 15 then? Do you feel compelled to add a couple to round it out?

Mary said...

good one, middle age woman. He does use those asterisks regularly. LOL

Kat said...

mmm raw sewage in the basement. Fun times. When it happened to me I had 4 loads of laundry sitting on the basement floor waiting to go into the washer. When the guys from Serve-Pro came to clean my basement (on the military's dime)they had a real treat moving around soaked, sh*t filled clothing. Good times.

Rikki said...

I feel your pain (about the raw sewage anyways). Basements always have a little stank about them. Add in the fecal smell and they can be downright nasty.

I hope you get a ginormous insurance claim.

Threeboys1mommy said...

That reminds me, I should really look into removing the alarm from my 10 year old car.

Laggin said...

6. Why?

Mama Dawg said...

5. Why?

LiteralDan said...

Middle Aged Woman: Nicely played. And valid.

Goldfish: I tried hanging a little pine-scented tree around his neck once he lost that New Kid smell, but he just kept eating it.

Always Home and Uncool: Actually no, just a coincidence. But I had the same thought when I read it.

MamaNeena: No, but my life does definitely move in circles and patterns.

Shannon: Well, that's because you have taste, my friend.

Brittany: Don't be disgusted-- it's just common sense. Who knows what you'd catch otherwise?

Seriously Mama: Oh, he thought so. He was just mad he didn't get to use the knife to cut up the carpet.

Keely: No, I've made a lot of progress in life. But I do like it better that way. I like it best when I get to leave my comment responses on a multiple of five. Like now, for instance, provided no one comments before I finish typing all this out.

Mary: Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here.*

* Because I am here. I'm always here, and always watching.

Kat: Oooh, you win. My parents (it was at their house) only had one load of laundry in harms way, but it figures it was my clothes. How can I get the military to take care of it all for me?

Rikki: The worst part is that we (back when I was in high school) painstakingly remodeled the basement at my parents' house, since they had largely finished the Deep Tunnel project to successfully prevent almost all flooding in the area. Now all that still-luscious carpet, and more, is done for.

It's just good that my dad had the foresight to coat all the wood in waterproof boat varnish and seal the walls in plastic behind the paneling.

Threeboys1mommy: Yes, yes you should. Snip that wire and set yourself free!

Laggin: Curse you, woman!! What do you think you're doing??

I'm hereby printing a retraction to your item #6, to return this list, and the universe, to balance.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Fingers in the mouth = always a bad idea.

Kori said...

I don't know who Vin Diesel is, but I totally LOVE the Iron Giant.

CaraBee said...

Have you seen Boiler Room? Not a Vin Diesel movie, per se, but arguably a decent flick. Maybe even better than, dare I say it, The Iron Giant.

Kat said...

Dan,
Take the Oath of Enlistment :P, or have wife enlist.

Allison said...

Vin Diesel's best movie was Boiler Room! However, it wasn't technically his so I guess it doesn't count. dang.

Captain Dumbass said...

My three year old was playing with snails yesterday so I'm all down with #2.

Carolyn...Online said...

Hmmm... I was going to count your comments to see if I could help you out with your five thing but I have already forgotten how many comments were ahead of me. So uh that makes me a moron.

Bee said...

Ick!! I had to get rid of so much sewage soaked clothes, comforters, pillows, coats, shoes etc that I might have PSTD.

I didn't know Vin Diesel was in The Iron Giant!

Trooper Thorn said...

You seem like the sort of fellow who might know the answer to this question:
If a microwave's door remains closed, can it be considered clean inside?

LiteralDan said...

Andrea's Sweet Life: Yes, that is one equation I've learned in life. He usually sneak-attacks me, though, with some excuse or another.

Kori: Vin Diesel is the voice of the Iron Giant, and the star of such films as (think Troy McClure) The Fast and the Furious, XXX, The Pacifier, and others.

CaraBee: I haven't seen all of Boiler Room, but while it may be a good movie, it is absolutely not better than The Iron Giant.

Kat: Hmmm... how many hours do they allot for reading blogs each day?

Allison: What is it you guys don't understand about "Indisputable"?!? If I could change the rules, I would, but I can't.

If it makes you feel better, even if it counted, you'd still be wrong. Sorry.

Captain Dumbass: I take it you're not French, or a French wannabe? Snails are a delicacy! Just ask my mysterious French subscriber, or his/her frequently visiting compatriots.

Besides, snail-hands would be a step up for D-, generally speaking.

Carolyn...Online: Looks like you were number 22, so you missed the prize I'm awarding to commenter number 25.

Bee: You have my sympathies. If I were you, I'd give my insurance company a call, to see about psychiatric treatment coverage as much as flood damage.

He wasn't just IN the Iron Giant, my friend, he WAS the Iron Giant. This was before he was famous.

Trooper Thorn: Oh yeah! All you gotta do is wipe down the outside as needed, and you get full credit as far as the casual observer is concerned. If someone wants to open it and use it without fighting past waves of nausea, well, then they're just being picky.

LiteralDan: Ding-ding-ding!!! You win the prize I mentioned to Carolyn above!

The bad news is, it's just a bizarre tingling sensation in the back of your head. I'm just as cheap a bastard to myself as to others. Sorry, champ.

Ashlee said...

Given that my four year old's fingers spend equal amounts of time in his butt, crotch or nose, I'm totally with you on #2.

Car alarms suck. Death to them all.

Weith Kick said...

I won't try to dispute any of that.

jenboglass said...

Car alarms? I know, right? I don't think they deter theft in any way whatsoever. I bet you could successfully strip a car of it's parts while the alarm is sounding. No one's coming to check on it. Whever I hear a car alarm I know my husband has sat on his key remote.

sarah said...

One question. Why would you have doodoo water in your basement?????

I agree with the fingers in mouth one. Never know when those choco. covered raisins aren't.....welll....I won't go there.

And damn those car alarms. If you have a ford have the factory alarm removed. They bite ass.

Mrs4444 said...

yeah, baby fingers can find their way into some icky places...great advice!

Ms Picket To You said...

And I see linkage between 2 and my freakin' life.

LiteralDan said...

Ashlee: I'd be impressed if they spent that equal time AT the same time... and disgusted at the same time. Does it make me a child that I giggled a little at the appropriateness of your use of the term #2 in that sentence?

The scariest part is that car alarms can never die. They'll be sounding across the planet long after our species dies out.

Weith Kick: You clearly know what's good for you, sir.

jenboglass: I think if anything, your chances of getting away with stealing a car are better if the alarm is going off. You can just look frazzled like you're embarrassed by the accidental alarm tripping and frantically trying to get the alarm off.

sarah: I probably should have mentioned that, but like much of the Midwest, we were inundated with relentless hurricane-induced rainstorms all weekend. We got more rain in one day here than any other since they started keeping records in the late 19th century.

And don't worry-- all you readers have thoroughly ruined chocolate covered raisins for me for a good long time, so I won't have the opportunity to make that mistake.

An ass-biting car alarm actually might be the first useful one. Although they'd have to install some kind of owner-ass recognition system, or you'd likely be the only person attacked by it.

Mrs4444: I believe baby fingers are specifically designed for icky places exclusively.

Ms Picket To You: Just Say No, to fingers!

The Microblogologist said...

I'll join your army, we will valiantly fight against car alarms and to make the world a better place by organizing it into multiples of 5, the most perfect number ever. I was so annoyed when my new neighbors moved in and have a car alarm that they could not for the life of them figure out how to use. I think it was compounded by the fact that they have a toddler. Since it hasn't been going off hourly anymore I think they disabled it. I was getting ready to disable it for them!

LiteralDan said...

I would have thrown a rock through the windshield after maybe the third time.

I mean, they'd have to have been disappointed each time it went off for no reason, right? They'd thank me eventually.

The Microblogologist said...

My favorite is that for the first 6 months or so they hid from the parking folks by moving their car around to the different guest spots, one of which is just outside my bedroom windows... I don't blame them for hiding, that damn sticker is expensive, $100 this year (yes I have to pay to park in front of the building I pay to live in), but being woken up by their alarm just about threw me over the edge. The only actual funny part was listening to them panic, scramble around, and try to turn it off before someone actually DID throw a rock through it.

If they ever activate it again and start the insanity over you are invited to visit, with rocks. Bring M, we can blame her and her cuteness will melt the campus cops hearts and we'd totally get away with it! D would have to hide, he seems a bit too truthful for a delicate task like this ;).

LiteralDan said...

Yeah,that'd be a hard one to explain to him-- "You need to stop being so truthful!"

Then again, he might be willing to go for it if it means he gets to throw a rock.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Right there with you on #3. They don't deter thieves because no ever seems to go check on the car that has the alarm going off. They just go and go and go until they finally they go off on their own. Meanwhile thieves have made off with the stereo and your diaper bag.

LiteralDan said...

Is that the bitterness of personal experience I'm sensing?

ric said...
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