25 September 2008

Respect my Au-THOR-a-tie!

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that after much watching and wonderment on my part, my Technorati Authority rating has gone up to 68,* which apparently puts me within the top 97,000 blogs out of many millions, and surely entitles me to some kind of cash prize, secret club membership, or that many virgins awaiting me in the afterlife. Or maybe I'm confusing several different brochures I've been handed recently.

What I can say for sure is that while I may be no Dooce or Sneeze or Black Hockey Jesus or even Brittany the Barefoot Foodie, I'm pretty happy with dropping below six digits.

Of course I must acknowledge that this is not so much a reflection on me or anything I've done, but instead it's an indication of how many of you kind people have linked to me in a forgettable drunken haze or whatever other extenuating circumstances explain it. So thanks for that, whatever the cause.

Having as short an attention span as I have, though, and as well-developed a sense of entitlement as I do, I'd now like to double this figure within, oh, say the next week or two. Anybody know any of those crafty spamming folks who so efficiently create and abandon junk blogs every day? If so, could you ask them to link to me before abandoning their pages? I just might be able to become virtually more popular than Dooce, and then wouldn't some people not existing solely on the Internet be mildly impressed THEN?

The cake under that icing is that once the systems get cleaned up and my artificially inflated rating begins plummeting, I have reason to believe I will receive several billion dollars from the federal government, to help cushion the blow for me and to feed their hope that I won't wipe out my entire blogroll and start a chain reaction that will bring down the egos of the entire blogosphere.

If anyone is deserving of that kind of power, grandeur, and unrestrained discretion, it is undeniably yours truly. After all, I can almost see Canada from my house.



* I'm gunning for you, Kevin.

26 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

Hey, Buddy, I live 20 miles NORTH of Canada. How do you like them apples? And I'm pretty sure I will continue adding to your Technorati awesomeness.

Brittany said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I have no further comment. It was just that funny.

Mama Dawg said...

This, my man, is why you're brilliant.

You managed to tie blogging directly to the bail out.

Bravo, man, bravo.

Joe said...

One of these days I'll get on Technorati and figure out what it's all about. I've read about it a couple times, but never looked into it.

Always Home and Uncool said...

Little did I know I had such power! I really should pay attention to all these services I signed up for.

Can I transfer this authority over the Internet to having it over my daughter's soccer team? They pants me yesterday.

Kat said...

The Brain: Come, Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night.
The Brain: Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!

Technorati is like the Brain of the blogs.

Keely said...

Was that an elaborate ruse to link to as many blogs as possible, thus continuing the blogroll of destruction?

Just checking.

Mary said...

Wow, to be in the top 97,000 of anything is impressive. I think. I will use all my powers to raise your ranking.
So what do women get in the afterlife? And is there one really busy virgin up there?

Threeboys1mommy said...

Geez I could link you, but visiting barefoot foodie and clicking on her Literal Dan link is so much easier.

Kori said...

What an excellent, excellent tie-in the the ONE subject I am not talking about today.

Wa said...

Reason I have more foreign policy experience than SP: I like Canadian Bacon on pizza.

Christy said...

You are very witty, Literaldan!

BTW--I don't get Technorati & I don't know how to use it, but I'm sure that your rank being a 68 is very impressive...maybe you can explain the whole Technorati thing to me one day...at any rate, congratulations!

Jamie said...

I still have yet to venture to this magical land of "Technorati", I am still hoping everyone will just do my dirty work..work out all the kinks..then I can come visit!!

jdg said...

I actually can see canada from my house. I ask my daughter about canada and she calls it the place where the buildings aren't broken.

ali said...

I just joined Twitter today. And Blogher. And now I have a headache. I will tackle Technorati in 3 months. Or as soon as I figure out what it is. Which will still probably take 3 months.

muskrat said...

congrats! maybe i should look into that techno-thing. but don't i need a pacifier and a bunch of orange juice?

muskrat said...

PS- congrats on making Looky Daddy's masthead, Literal Danlets!

Anonymous said...

I don't get the popularity of Dooce.

but you - yes you, make me laugh.

jenboglass said...

Alright. I've just returned from writing your blog's name on several bathroom walls (both male and female and one questionable one as well) Your traffic will shoot up.

Also, I live near the Dooce. For realsies. I see her buying toothpaste and stuff. Next time I see her I will approach her and talk incessantly about your site.

You're welcome.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Oh I respect your authority, alright.
Especially since I got tons of hits when you gave me that award that time. Which I still haven't given out.
I'll get to that soon, thus adding at least one more point to your technorati score.

├╝berburber said...

OK, Dooce just made major bucks from all the mentions she got here. Let's all go to her site and talk about literal Dan!

People in the Sun said...

You must be more popular than Dooce. Or the terrorists win. And another thing: freedom isn't free! And another thing: I told Technorati, "Thanks, but no thanks."

thedemigod said...

I shall link mercilessly, O Literal One...

LOL

The Microblogologist said...

Is it blog roll links or any and every link within blog posts as well?

Oh and I have you so beat, I actually can see a dumpster from my apartment!

Karen

Andrea said...

Techno-whatii??

Only in the top 97,000???

Come'on LD-Focus yourself. I expect better things from you----ith all that free time and all.

LiteralDan said...

I somehow lost the individual replies I started writing that day, but to address everyone at once, you guys are all awesome.

Since I published this post, I went up as high as 72 before falling back down to 69. So still a net gain. Let's just hope my ranking is inversely proportionate to the Dow.

Middle Aged Woman, big deal, I used to live way farther north of the southern Canadian border, back in Northern Maine.

jdg, that's a little funny and a little heartbreaking.

Anonymous, thanks beyond measure for stopping by, and moreso for the compliment!

jenboglass, make sure you make up a bunch of good stuff about me. If you need some ideas, I can dream up a whole list of impressive achievements and qualities for you to refer to.