26 November 2008

Telegram from Hellegram

I just wanted to post a quick note of very sincere thanks to everyone for your nice comments and wishes for J-'s safe and speedy recovery.

She will be harnessing your words as fuel to cool the flames of rage and hatred for all of creation whenever the Earth absentmindedly rotates under her hip.

We spent Monday night and much of Tuesday in the hospital, instead of going right home Monday afternoon as they had hoped. This is because the universe loves J- so much it wanted to make sure she would sit down and take a breather for a good long time, with a paid, professional staff of enforcers on hand to play the heavies.

By now, she's setting land-speed records for crutch pilots, and she hardly feels those flaming fingers of death ripping her apart from the inside whenever she sits down, gets up, brushes against something, tries to scootch into a more comfortable position, or exhales.

On other fronts, the debilitating full-body itching that nearly claimed the lives of three nurses and one doctor has now subsided due to that trendiest of prescription painkillers, Taking Off Your Pressure Stockings Once Home Because When Pressed The Doctor Suggested You Could At Some Point Remove Them If Absolutely Necessary. Trade name: SorrybitchesIdowhatIwant-ycontin.

To sum up, I'll let J- herself have the last word, absolutely faithfully transcribed from her sudden whisper in her fitful sleep:

Fffucccckkk.

11 comments:

Goldfish said...

It makes me hurt a little just to read about it. I hope the worst is over soon and that it's better on the other side.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Hey, I'm in Geneva! Illinois, not Switzerland. We heard a cry of pain echoing as we drove west on the tollway last night. Must have been J-.

nonna said...

hopefully this will be the only hip surgery she has to have. tell her it could be worse. my cousin's hubby fell in the hospital the night after his hip replacement and broke it. they "fixed" it. it popped out of socket. they "fixed" it. after 4-6 or so surgeries they finally figured out they had the wrong angle on the socket. then he had the other hip done. it's great, but the 1st one is STILL bothering him. he will have to have at least one more surgery on it.
p.s.-make sure when you tell her it could be worse, that you are not within arms reach & maybe out of throwing range

Laggin said...

I cannot imagine. I just fell on my hip and I make the same utterance in my sleep. I hope her drugs are good.

Miss Grace said...

Ouch.

Allison said...

I like your wife. She should use her words more. For the sake of your blog. :)

Ali said...

Darn Earth and all its rotating. Glad everything went okay:)

Swirl Girl said...

'Sorryb*tchesIdowhatIwant-ycontin'

Hahahaha- does she sell this shit on the side??

I see cottage industry happening here.

hope she gets through it all...

SherE1 said...

Aw, poor wifey! Get well soon!!

Always Home and Uncool said...

My theory ... the hip went from carrying your sorry ass all these years. Cheers and peace, LiteralFam.

The Microblogologist said...

Nonna, don't get one of my favorite bloggers killed! I hope she is better now, or as better as one can be after having their hip as molested as hers was!