05 December 2008

Confessions, Vol. 1

1. If only they made giant diapers that still fit snugly on a toddler, I would gladly slap one of those on M- each night and sleep like a med student through the morning, while she fed and entertained herself with the many things I'd generously leave in her crib.

2. I referred to a cartoon chipmunk in a children's television show as "kind of an a**hole" with as much forethought and seriousness as I would the friend of a friend.

3. It's hard to write amusing "confessions" after somberly reading through PostSecret for more than an hour.

4. I find it oddly freeing to stop this list at four items on a day such as this, the fifth day of the week and month.*



* And yet, look at the time stamp.

14 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

How many times did you want to get up last night so you could add another item, Mr. Dan?

MamaNeena said...

Okay, it is bothering me that there is no 5th item!

Always Home and Uncool said...

Send some of those giant diapers my way. I'll slap them on Thing 2 b/c I'm tired of him peeing himself when I tickle him too much.

Threeboys1mommy said...

He is an a**hole, both of them are if you ask me... or Donald Duck.

Weith Kick said...

I anxiously await for Sundays so as I can read the newest secrets on PostSecret. Should I look for LiteralDan's secrets there one day? Perhaps.

Miss Grace said...

I recommend not blogging at 5am, for starters. And I think they're both kind of a$$holes, in their own ways. Chip has a stick up his a$$, but Dale's woefully inconsiderate.

Renee said...

I thought you were talking about Alvin at first, because he really is an a*hole. Really. I think he set adoption numbers back so far in the 80's, it's only NOW recovering.

Kori said...

I just bookmarked that site; had never heard of it before but think it is a new fave. thanks!

Kori said...

I just bookmarked that site; had never heard of it before but think it is a new fave. thanks!

Mary said...

I think Ms. M- might not sit as happily as you think. She needs her people.

LiteralDan said...

Middle Aged Woman: Thankfully, I don't get enough sleep to have any problems waking up in the middle of the night. Otherwise...

MamaNeena: Excellent! The first step is admitting you have a problem. Next, you accept me as your lord and savior and give me half your money. Then, the healing begins.*

* No guarantee of your healing vs. my own is claimed or implied. Offer void where prohibited.

Always Home and Uncool: Heck, I might just slap one of them on myself and sleep even longer.

Threeboys1mommy and Miss Grace: No, only Chip is an asshole-- Dale is just a dumbs*** f***-up. Or so I heard from an unnamed insider.

Weith Kick: You know all your favorite secrets? Those ones are mine. What a coincidence!!

Renee: That's quite possible. I'm sure he also set back the overall birth rate, as people sought to escape the craze.

I've found that I can make my own Chipmunk hits by playing songs in double speed. All I miss out on is the sass-mouth, but since I've generally got a surplus of that already, I end up about even.

Kori: Well, I'm glad to have found Frank a new fan. You should go check the four books out of the library and start tearing through them. It just may change the way you look at the world.

Mary: Oh, I'll give her people. Cute little people she can put in her pocket, just the way she likes them.

Vodka Mom said...

1. If only money grew on trees.
2. Will Sponge Bob ever grow up?

I could go on....but I won't.

Natalie said...

i'm thinking that some depends and some duct tape might just do the trick.

by the way...i love that i can now purchase duct tape. they didn't have that in turkey so i couldn't ever use it to "fix" things. now...look out...i will be duct taping things that aren't even broken just to be able to use the stuff!

Mrs4444 said...

Oh, come on, Dan. I'm sure you have all kinds of sobering secrets. Come on, spill!