Dispatches from the War Against Nature just keep piling up. Here's the latest report on the activities of our opponent's sinister Deceptively Adorable Tactical Force:*
Panda bites student who just wanted a hug
The official Xinhua News Agency reports the hospitalized student later said the panda was so cute and cuddly he never expected to be bitten.
And that, of course, is exactly how they get you.
How else do you think they've managed to exist this long while eating only bamboo? What other animal, certainly one so large, eats only one thing all the time?**
Considering that along with their notoriously picky mating requirements and long interval between cubs, it's nothing short of a miracle that at this point in history, pandas are represented on this Earth by more than a few fossilized bones in a drawer somewhere.
Or is it?
I believe that pandas long ago mastered the art of psychological manipulation, enticing other members of the animal kingdom to bring them copious amounts of food, either bamboo or possibly something secret that they never eat whenever people are watching.
Maybe bamboo is just usually the closest thing on which to gnaw innocently whenever National Geographic catches them by surprise?
Phase 3 is of course to tally up the remaining bamboo-farming humans and decide on a responsible course of species management.
* Other members of this elite squad: Hippos, Chimps, and Koalas.
** Shut up, all you whale scientists.