03 December 2008

Next step for Pandas: Grow thumbs

Dispatches from the War Against Nature just keep piling up. Here's the latest report on the activities of our opponent's sinister Deceptively Adorable Tactical Force:*

Panda bites student who just wanted a hug


The official Xinhua News Agency reports the hospitalized student later said the panda was so cute and cuddly he never expected to be bitten.

And that, of course, is exactly how they get you.

How else do you think they've managed to exist this long while eating only bamboo? What other animal, certainly one so large, eats only one thing all the time?**

Considering that along with their notoriously picky mating requirements and long interval between cubs, it's nothing short of a miracle that at this point in history, pandas are represented on this Earth by more than a few fossilized bones in a drawer somewhere.

Or is it?

I believe that pandas long ago mastered the art of psychological manipulation, enticing other members of the animal kingdom to bring them copious amounts of food, either bamboo or possibly something secret that they never eat whenever people are watching.

Maybe bamboo is just usually the closest thing on which to gnaw innocently whenever National Geographic catches them by surprise?

Regardless, it's clear that they've tried to deal with us for as long as they're willing, and they have now moved into Phase 2 of their Human Response Protocol: Lure almost all humans to their death by clouding their logic processing centers with waves of overpowering cuddliness.

Phase 3 is of course to tally up the remaining bamboo-farming humans and decide on a responsible course of species management.



* Other members of this elite squad: Hippos, Chimps, and Koalas.

** Shut up, all you whale scientists.

14 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

You fool! Do you not know that Pandas can read!!! And they have an intense dislike for footnotes.

Aliceson said...

Is bamboo considered a carb? Pandas always seems a little flabby to me.

Moderation! Don't they know anything about eating healthy. I can't believe we humans have to do everything.

Russ said...

It never ceases to amaze me that people "forget" that THESE THINGS ARE BEARS!

I believe it is called, "thinning the gene pool".

Comedy Goddess said...

Colbert has his BEARS!! and now you have your PANDAS!!

Miss Grace said...

I barely think that fuzzy things specifically DOMESTICATED TO LOOK CUDDLY look very cuddly. Bunnies have claws, yo.

I'm pretty much never going to approach a wild animal with a hug in mind.

Renee said...

Have you ever spent an afternoon YouTubing Baby Pandas? I won't go into specifics on what it can do to a person... I'm just saying, before I was Renee, I was Rick, and my mustache was fabulous.

Midwest Mom said...

I have always thought that furry = cuddly. (You should see my husband.)

With that said, I'm intrigued by the idea that Pandas are eating *something* on the sly...

Although, an all-bamboo diet would make *me* fairly cranky. Cranky enough to bite schoolchildren, you ask? That answer would be yes.

Mary said...

I don't know. That Kung Fu panda was awfully cute and he ate noodles. Is Disney in on this?

Threeboys1mommy said...

I lived off of corn dogs, yellow mustard and lemonade for the better part of 5 years. True story.

As for the pandas I've been suspicious of those guys for years but as Mary mentioned Dreamworks has confirmed that pandas are noodle eating kung fu masters.

Goldfish said...

You know what really bothers me? The fact that raccoons have thumbs. I don't think they're opposable, but still....

Weith Kick said...

I'm never gonna look at Pandas the same way again.

King of New York Hacks said...

I'd pay to see Panda VS Gorilla in the octagon !!!

Joe said...

Are you a fan of Tim Bedore? You may be interested in his "animal conspiracy" theories... http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/

LiteralDan said...

Middle Aged Woman: Of course I know that! I'm not an idiot. But since they can already read minds, once I put all this together, there was no reason NOT to write it down.

Aliceson: That's just flab-shaped muscle. Haven't you seen Kung Fu Panda??

Russ: If only we could come to a new understanding with these pandas, we could leave them lying around strategically across the country to lure unsuspecting morons we want to be rid of.

In return, I imagine we'd have to stop manually inseminating their females. It's a steep price, but I think we could manage, somehow.

Comedy Goddess: Colbert copied my whole shtick, but nobody seems to care just because he did it all first.* He's a walking, talking, time-traveling Xerox machine.

* Chronologically speaking.

Miss Grace: Bunnies have claws and powerful legs cocking them.

Renee: That little sneezing baby panda kills me every time.

Midwest Mom: Don't forget, opossums are furry. And so are ROUSs.

Mary: Well, I think Disney must be due for a panda movie, since Dreamworks made that one. Those two are always trying to one-up each other, back and forth.

Threeboys1mommy: I can only assume you were a carnie, but wouldn't even a carnival doctor recommend you supplement that diet with the occasional cotton candy, elephant ear, or carmel apple?

Goldfish: I keep a wary eye on raccoons, as I believe everyone should. So far, they seem ecstatic to live off our garbage, so they have succeeded in lulling me enough to track the pandas nearly full time.

Weith Kick: I don't recommend looking directly at a panda... it just may be the last thing you ever do.

King of New York Hacks: Hmmmm... maybe I CAN make some money off this blog after all...

Joe: I hadn't heard of him, but I liked what I saw when I followed your link-- I shall return to explore some more. Thanks for the tip!