19 December 2008

The weather inside is spiteful

It was raining all last night here in Chicagoland, which makes me mad. It's supposed to be winter, a time of cold, fluffy snow, not balmy rain and lethal ice.

I think it's quite possible that Hell is actually a frigid ice fortress full of horrifically pointy icicles in every direction and black ice the only floor covering.

I have a feeling this warm-up indicates we'll miss a white Christmas yet again in my lifetime, which happens so often I'm never surprised, even though Christmas occurs at the end of December in Chicago. Two and two equal five here, it seems.

All of our beautiful, hard-fought snow from earlier this week (whose sudden arrival during rush hour caused me to park the car and walk with D- to Target rather than endure another half hour trying to drive a mere mile and a half), will be iced over and ruined, like a jilted lover left to rot at the altar.

This perfect snowball powder I didn't even get to roll in once got Havishamed in one long, bitter night, and what I'll be walking out into, whenever it is I choose to exit our icy cocoon, will be a shadow of its former self. I'm almost too upset to even picture it. Breaking through the icy crust over the yard (with the back of my skull, no doubt) to find the soft insides dried-out and useless for anything but metaphors...

I'm too digusted to even crack a simile.

18 comments:

MamaNeena said...

Something about you being mad and bitter just feels wrong.

nonna said...

guess next time you get some snow, you'll have your priorities in order and make time for some snowball fights, huh?

i had about 5 min of snow and I managed to slide in it 3 times!

Middle Aged Woman said...

Maybe locals are too steamed up about Blago to let snow last. Get it? Steamed up?

Sorry.

I'll post pictures of my yard and you can live vicariously.

Miss Grace said...

I really doubt that your rain was balmy. Sleety, perhaps? Icy?

Christy said...

Although I'm not usually on board with the snow train (why do you think I left NH?) I have to agree with you on this one. I'd much rather see some snow, and see it stick for more than a few hours until it turns to ice.

LiteralDan said...

MamaNeena: Really? I'm usually pretty mad and bitter, just not disturbingly so. I'm not a full-blown curmudgeon yet, I'm still in training. My biting, sarcastic comments are still fresh, witty, and invigorating to all who hear them.

nonna: Oh regrets, I've had a few. But then again, too many to fill just one blog.

Middle Aged Woman: Hey-oooooooooooo! Sorry, I don't live vicariously, Johnny-- except where it comes to piles and piles of money and harems. Got any of those?

Miss Grace: Sleety was my least favorite dwarf.

Christy: There's a snow train? Why hasn't anyone ever told me this?? All we have to do is derail that thing whenever it's convenient, and then get it back up and running whenever we have something dreadful coming up at work or school.

The ice train, on the other hand, needs to be sold for scrap immediately. And then I will steal the trademark for its title to use as the newest nickname I'll require everyone call me.

Weith Kick said...

Your sad post makes me want to listen to a sad, Frank Sinatra, Christmas song.

Vodka Mom said...

It's been sleeting and showering frozen rain ALL DAMN DAY. Have you tried to shovel 5 inches of frozen fucking slush? it ain't easy.........

Jamie said...

I am in the Chicagoland area too - and this is my 2nd winter here and I hate it - seriously hate it!

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, I heart you so. You coined a new phrase "Havishamed". I hate Dickens but for some reason, I LOVED Great Expectations.

Brittany said...

A Christmas with no snow!?

Even Jesus is frowning.

Renee said...

I feel like I haven't read your blog in weeks, and then I come here and see I've missed three posts. And I don't know why, but somehow that makes me feel like a failure.

Also, try metro Arizona. Yesterday my daughter wore shorts. We call Christmas weather a success if we get to wear a long-sleeved shirt. So am I jealous of your black ice and death icicles? To borrow a phrase, hell yes.

The Microblogologist said...

Three words for you: Move to Iowa. We are buried in snow and there is no way it won't be a white Christmas here. Of course if there is anything I hate more than snow it is ice and I plan on leaving the 23rd (technically today) from here to there with snow forecast for Iowa and snow and ICE for Chicago.

Does Renee know how much I dream of a Christmas that does not require me to risk hypothermia to leave the house/car!? Sibling agrees with me that she must have never actually experienced cold and snow and has romanticized it not knowing of its true evilness. I definitely believe that if there is a hell it is a frozen wasteland of nastiness! Oh how I long for global warming, I hate Al Gore for propagating that beautiful myth, with highs in the negatives there is no way one can convince me that it is true.

And congrats on your corrupt gov finally getting indicted, I hope my new hero finishes weeding out the really nasty powerful ones before I graduate! There is no getting rid of the corruption in IL but if it can be brought down to a more manageable level it would not be quite so embarrassing for people like me to admit out home state...

Sprite's Keeper said...

Hi! Long time appreciator from afar, first time commenter! Middle Aged Woman spoke your praises and I had to come over and see what was go great about Literal Dan. Love the prose! By the way, you're linked in our Spin Cycle!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Came over from Middle Aged Woman's spin cycle. Love your writing.

Maybe your weather has something to do with Obama over here on my island for Christmas...

Mrs4444 said...

And yet, just three hours north of you, we have set a record for snowfall in December (39.6 inches as of this morning). Too bad...Sorry about the crappy rain!

Mrs4444 said...

And yet, just three hours north of you, we have set a record for snowfall in December (39.6 inches as of this morning). Too bad...Sorry about the crappy rain!

ric said...
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