To continue my court-ordered hours of community service, I'm here today to offer any future parents out there a helpful glimpse into the life that awaits them, this time in the form of the kind of surreal conversations you can expect to have several times a day.
Note: The lines of my 2-year-old daughter M- here can be read with a tone similar to that of Johnny 5 from Short Circuit.
M- (apropos of nothing, heading for a toilet break during breakfast): I like ducks.
Me (not yet awake enough to offer a more dynamic response): Good... They're nice.
M-: I need to wash my handseseses... (looking up from her hands) Gaaannngsterrrr. A "gangster" is a bad-guy. [Thanks, Tintin.]
Me: Yep. (picks a piece of oatmeal from her hair and flicks it into the bathroom garbage)
M- (with panicked outrage): Why did you throw my hair clip into the garbage?!?!?!
In her defense, oatmeal does tend to function as her most effective hairclip, staying in place for days at a time between baths.
• "Not yet awake enough to offer a more dynamic response" should probably be my life's motto, and tattooed somewhere visible on my body.
• Congratulations to my sister Katie, who graduates from the great University of Illinois this weekend, joining my wife in the ranks of America's educators.
You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (5YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.