01 June 2009

I think I've broken my kid

Aren't preschool kids supposed to be pretty imaginative, or at least relatively uncritical of the unknown world around them? Aren't they supposed to sit, slack-jawed, in an awestruck stupor whenever you turn on the TV?

My kids in particular are pretty deprived of television, other than watching I'd-guess-almost-weekly age-appropriate movies and playing the very occasional videogame, but here are just two revealing tidbits I heard from my 5-year-old son while we all endured a really quite awful* Winnie-the-Pooh movie recently:

"They shouldn't have put that in the movie... they should have cut it."

I let the kid watch deleted scenes on a DVD one time and now he thinks he's Martin Scorsese.

"Why do they keep singing songs??"

In his defense, the songs in this movie were undeniably painful, and completely unnecessary to boot. It really was like they had the movie finished, found it was too short, decided "kids' movies have songs, right?", and then went back to add some more scenes where everyone puts their stuff down and starts tunelessly singing some vaguely related song they all just made up on the spot.

And by the latter "they", I mean actual talking stuffed animals with cotton for brains. And redundant inner ear problems blocking their sense of rhythm or timing.

So, I guess this is my way of saying two things. One, my children have absolutely no sense of magical awe or wonder at this world around them, thereby ruining them for religion or even normal human development, and two, Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin is an unbelievably godawful movie.

Just stick with Pixar. Or, if necessary, smash your TV with a baseball bat and tell your kids that the spirit of Walt Disney briefly possessed you and sought both to save them from the horror his company has become and to punish them for asking to watch this movie. The End.

* When I say "really quite awful", it's my way of being charitable, as my mom would call it. I do that only because when it's convenient to me, I declare that this is a family blog.

But down here in the footnotes? Oh, anything's fair game. It's
kids that have trouble reading fine print, right? Anyway, doesn't matter.

This movie is so bad from top to bottom, start to finish, conception to execution, that I would only be mildly disconcerted to personally witness A.A. Milne himself rise from the dead to formally submit the notarized paperwork to have his name disassociated from the movie.**

** And adult-sized Pooh-related costumes. And Pooh underwear, cause that's just really confusing terminology for parents of toddlers.


unmitigated me said...

I'm with you on the underwear thing, which, admittedly, is not as good as it sounds.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

I love it when other people watch the horrible movies so that I won't have to. That being said, I'm sure I'll forget all about this post when Tyler's old enough to watch it (what, 3 or 4 years?) and will create a new post of my own, saying probably what you've already said, verbatim.

It could happen.

Kevin McKeever said...

Just saw "Up." It's no Pooh. Rejoice.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

My mother keeps buying the Disney crap movies for my kids, Brother Bear 2 and Fox and the Hound 2. Or things like Hotel for Dogs and Air Buddies 175. Then she makes the kids watch them, I mean, puts her movies on for the kids when she baby sits ... my poor children. The torture they have to endure.

After UP Crichton came home and made "My! Advenchure! Book!" one for him one for his brother. Such a brilliant film. Truly, inspiring to children and adults.

Mary said...

Future Gene Siskel.

Swirl Girl said...

My girls love two of the worst movies ever. In fact, I think they are the only two who ever saw them and we purchased the only VCR copies ever made.
Bartok the Magnificient , voiced by Hank Azaria and Kelsey Grammer and Thumbelina , with Charo and Carol Channing, and Gilbert Godfied.

I'd be happy to send them to you at no cost to you, of course - so you can use them to thwack Pooh over his 'rumbly-tumbly' uncovered bottom.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

I think the Pooh movie is cute. If you are 3, like my youngest. Otherwise, it's boring as crap.

Goldfish said...

Don't let him read my blog. I couldn't take the critique.

A Free Man said...

We stay away from the idiot box as well, so I may be setting myself up for a similar type of ruination.

I'm OK with that.

Father Knows (Travis) Best said...

When my son gets old enough to enjoy silly movies, I'm totally screwed. I think I'm the only person in the entire world who absolutely hates "The Princess Bride" and has never seen "The Wizard of Oz."

Jenny Grace said...

You had him watch an awful movie, he critiqued. Good for him, really.

Dr. Julie said...

Long-time reader, first time commenter. Can I get any cornier?

I'm childless, and TVless. One day, I hope to change the childless part, but not the TVless part. I always wonder if my kids will grow up to be poorly adjusted or just really hate me. After reading your blog, I'm ever so slightly reassured. They won't be missing much.