22 June 2009

I've got your Father's Day right here...

A belated Happy Father's Day to the approximately 3% of my readership who is both male and a father, and same to the husbands of 92% of the rest of you.

I spent my day sleeping in, using the computer (for a welcome change of pace), and playing outside with the kids, who are trying to see if it is scientifically possible to melt the paint off the walls out here in Maine with the sheer quivering force of their pent-up energy.

While that may sound all quaint on the surface, I want to know what it says about my performance as a father thus far that the most attractive games to my son involved, in however convoluted a way necessary, punching me wherever he could reach?

His 2-year-old sister swung happily on the swings for more than an hour, using the wind she generated to keep always just out of reach of the blackflies, but this lanky 5-year-old was very soon discontent with boring old swings, soccer, and basketball.

Some of the alternative games we tried were:

1) "How Dare You Steal the Ball, I Will Now Punch You in the Butt While Roaring to Get it Back,"

2) "I'll Pretend to Be the Squirrel From Ice Age Attacking a Large, Ferocious Predator as Foolishly as I Make Him Do in the Ice Age Videogame I Was Just Playing,"

3) And finally the even more convoluted, though tragically aborted, "The Basketball Court is Water, the Picnic Table is Land, and I'm a Fighter-Guy Fighting Dragons to Save People in a Way That You Somehow Know Involves You Being a Series of Dragons Who Are Foolish Enough to Just Stand Next to the Picnic Table While a Knight Works Them Over With Both Fists Until His Hands Hurt Too Much to NOT Move on to Short, Efficient Kicks Instead."

Oh, and, should you ever be put in a similar situation, be advised that catching and teasingly holding one, then a second, fist carefully aimed at your back may result in a frustrated, em-boy-sculated cry of, "Don't ever do that again! I want you to leave me alone for the rest of your life! ...if you're going to do that again."

Notice that even at five, he's perceptive enough to say "your life" instead of "my life". Nothing like a special day of recognition to remind one's parents of their sizable lead in the race towards death. Happy Father's Day again!

May you all live long enough to feel the next volley of anniversarial punches, always stronger than the last.

17 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

I thought this was going to turn into one of those America's Funniest Home Video stories.

Barefoot Dreamer said...

this is hilarious. as the mom of three boys (and one angry girl) I hear you.

Sounds possibly like a little gaming has entered the non gaming play? we have this issue with star wars - apparently I have Jedi's in training and me without my litht saber.

Mrs4444 said...

OMG-Hilarious! Glad you got time to crate this bit of genius :) Very funny.

Always Home and Uncool said...

And a happy Father's Day to you, too, LD.

Swirl Girl said...

I think you just came up with the best Father's day card Hallmark never wrote.

People in the Sun said...

I know what you mean. How did it happen? When I was a kid my father beat me up, and now my kid beats me up. Where did I go wrong?

Midlife Mama said...

OMG that is hilarious. He is all boy, that one. He needs to take up wrestling, or football or something to get his agressions out. :)

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

My littlest just went through a growth spurt. Interestingly enough, her forehead is the EXACT HEIGHT of my pubic bone.

Care to know how I found that out? REPEATEDLY?

Brittany said...

Ok, so when they turn your blog into a sitcom, DO NOT let them talk you into casting yourself as Bob Saget. You are too funny for him.

Jim Styro said...

I wouldn't judge yourself too harshly with regards to your son's current "Incredible Hulk" phase. These things happen.

When my kids were young, we had a moderately well-enforced policy of "touching nice" (touching your brother/sister nicely; touching the kitty nicely; touching Mommy or Daddy nicely). Violations of the policy were relatively rare in my recollection - because anyone who failed to touch nicely left him/herself open to being touched "not nicely" in turn. The "terrible justice" (I heard this phrase spoken aloud tonight - and it really grabbed me) of this policy, providing immediate feedback on the consequences of not touching nicely, was supremely effective - in a way that mere discussion of acceptable and unacceptable behavior could not match.

Hope you all have a great time while you are in Maine.

Jake Alger said...

Another fan favorite is "Trying to wipe the copies amount of snot off my sick son's face as he screams at me and touches the picture frame I've told him to let go of no less than 100 times." It's not exactly Candyland, but still fun.

Heidi said...

Oh, I loved this. Nothing says happy father's day like a punch in the back.

Thanks for coming on by.

I'll be sure to return here. :)

Kori said...

I didn't actually read the whole post-sorry about that-I was just excited that I could get into it and make a comment. Now I shall go back and read!

Joe said...

Yay for me being part of the minority! Viva la fathers!

A Free Man said...

Happy Belated Father's Day. Going by your comments, however, I've got to question your statistics.

Trooper Thorn said...

What did you expect? They are only here with one purpose: to replace us. And fight with their siblings

spitandvinegar said...

You're a funny guy. This post is hilarious because I don't know how many times either my husband or myself have been punched in the butt this week by our children. Thanks for the laughs!

Shawna