Potential book titles, Vol. 3

Here are a few more titles of fiction and nonfiction books I might write, if I ever manage to finish something* that takes more than 10 minutes at a time:

Leftover Birthday Cake: Why Parents Have Been Having Children Since Ancient Times

Why Would I Even Have To Forewarn You To Not Put That In Your Mouth??

Enter Title Here: Sometimes I Put Things Off A Bit Too Long

Put That Down: When I Said I Wouldn't Tell You Again, I Meant After This Time

I'm Starting To Understand Why People Demolish And Rebuild, Waste Be Damned: A Home Remodeling Story

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* Such as writing a decent blog post of substance.

Amusing searches, Vol. 15

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, in this case all to one post-- we'll again call this The Least Depressing Searches That Led People to my 10 Reasons my 3-Year-Old Son May be Homosexual Post.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)


• why is my 5 year old son's tooth sensitive to hot? (Oshawa, Ontario) - I'm guessing because his central nervous system works. Don't worry, though, that should clear up in a few years

• my 3 year old son trys on clothes in secret (Marathon, WI) - If your 3-year-old is able to somewhat competently put on and take off a whole outfit, I wouldn't worry too much about what he or she puts on in particular. Just enjoy the extra 10 minutes of sleep you'll get in the morning.

• how long is a normal 12 year olds penis (Hailsham, UK) - Oh, I dunno... anywhere between, say, 1 inch and 15 inches? Just like the range for everyone else? (Most women excluded.) One can only hope you're keeping this preoccupation to yourself.

• what is wrong with my 3 year old (Leicester, UK) - Assuming your 3-year-old is like most, let's see... 1) He smells like he doesn't much care for baths; 2) He really could stand to wipe his nose, but not on his clothes again; 3) He should be returned for warranty service on his volume control; 4) He's just so needy! I mean, seriously, does he EVER help with chores, or carry YOU in from the car? And 5) The kid doesn't even know how to read!

Things that amuse me, Vol. 9

Here's another selection of items that have been amusing me these days:

1. Only a kid* can be taken just as seriously with chocolate smeared all over his face as he is any other day and time.

2. Much like a dog chasing a car until it slams on the brakes, every time I succeed in swatting a fly with my bare hands, I immediately regret even attempting it. And yet, there I am again swinging away the next time.

3. My wife --who shudders at the mere thought of an insect** going about its life far underground, much less anywhere inside her house or immediate one-mile area-- so craves the attention of a cat that, when faced with what I'll call my Dismayed Reaction to her observation of fleas and ticks on the stray cat she and our kids had been frequently petting for a few days, she shrugged them off and casually explained, "You just need to wash your hands..."

4. My two older children, D- (7-year-old son) and M- (4-year-old daughter), have lately alternated between 1) experimenting with the power of demanding privacy in the bathroom/when changing; and 2) loudly offering each other audiences before their porcelain throne/mooning each other at will.

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* Or possibly Hitler.

** Even a firefly!

Classic quotes, Vol. 31

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 7-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

D- (to my mom, after he chose to dump unhealthy amounts of cinnamon on his toast): Your cinnamon is really HOT!

M- (missing the point of a race during Cars 2): Why are they driving so fast??

J- (mindlessly talking aloud to herself, after realizing Father's Day was approaching): Oh, sh*t, that's coming up already...

D- (as my dad tried to point out that he wasn't listening to the requested story he was reading aloud): What??! I can not hear you over the sound of me talking!

M- (shouting at J-, who had quietly advised her to really start sleeping, while she was pretending to sleep): I am, MOM!

J- (suffering through a diet, as M- pulled a pack of Hostess cupcakes off a grocery shelf): Put that down right now! (muttering to herself) Put it down before I buy them...

M- (ending a series of overly dramatic comments about a forklift she was hearing at Costco): Watch out, that fork lifter's going to fork us up!!

Important Question: If I didn't notice a sparkle, can it still be a vampire?

This is the kind of urgent question that cannot wait until it's not the middle of the night to ask of The Internet.

This evening, close to midnight, we were shocked to discover an intruder in the house that may be either a bat or some kind of darting swift or swallow. It didn't stop panickedly swooping toward my indefensibles long enough for me to get a good look at it before finding a safe enough nook in which to plot its revenge.*

So, after several fruitless hours of searching, the question I have for you all is this:

Which one of us will wake up with this thing on our face?

It's kind of important that we know this as soon as possible. Please share your educated hypothesis** in the comments.

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* And J- couldn't see much from under the blanket, where she was, quote, "Protecting the baby."

** Additionally, I suppose, you could answer by telling us who will never wake up after this thing was on our faces?

A conversation with D-: Candy, or The Optimist

After three kids, plus a keen self-awareness during my own childhood, I know a thing or two about how children's minds work. Some aspects are very simple and obvious, others more complex, but this recent conversation with my 7-year-old son D- reminds us that the most important thing is we are all slaves to our most basic needs.

Me (repeatedly calling from the shower to D-, waiting in the bathroom to come in and get washed): D-? ... D-? ..... D-?? (muttering, unsure if he really left or is hiding somewhere in the bathroom) ...Alright, no candy for you, then...

D- (after a very long pause): ...Wait, what did you say??

Me (ignoring my own triumph over the chronic, and talented, hider): Hey, there you are, buddy-- come on, it's your turn to get clean next.

D- (suddenly very compliant, but urgently looking to resolve his confusion): Okay, I'm coming, but, so... what did you say just a minute ago? "No something for me," or something??

I decided to play dumb on this one, stalling for time long enough that an, "I don't remember what you're talking about," was plausible and thus above his keen suspicion. Can't give up this trick just yet-- I have so few of the old standbys left, at his age.

Happy Father's Day!

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You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, (4YO daughter) M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 8

Here are some more of the random happenings and such that have amused me lately:

1. On a church sign in town: "Celebrate Jesus, the Resurrected One". I was thankful for the clarification that they meant THAT one, not the dude slopping the refried beans into my burrito on the more fun side of town.

2. Stores don't even bother offering 99-cent Mother's Day cards for wives, because they know not enough husbands are stupid enough to walk into a bear trap like that.

3. Sleepy babies=Drunk adults at the end of the night

4. The unfortunate motto of a Louisiana home-repair company I stumbled upon is, "Where Quality Is Not An Option". ...I can understand what they're going for, but still I'd strongly suggest they re-form the Slogan Committee to brainstorm a bit longer on this.

Classic quotes, Vol. 30

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M- and 7-year-old son D-:

D- (after milking a legitimate cough a bit much): I AM sick-- I've always had a cough like this. ... YES, always... well, since last evening.

M- (rooting around behind her in her car seat as we drove): I've got a BUNCH of toys and stuff in my seat crack! I've got crayons, and Cheerios...a penny. I've got a PENNY in my SEAT CRACK!

D- (running, eagerly, after it was pointed out that Momma's crude humor was technically appropriate given her location*): Then I'm gonna go to the bathroom to say a bunch more BUTT things!

M- (finding a new way to protest, a few days after an explanation of Intellectual Property law): No, D-!! That's MY trademarrrrrrrrrk!

D- (unaware of the sad, overwhelming facts about himself these days, after reflecting on all the "bad kids" in his yearbook): Wow, MY teacher is lucky! Every OTHER teacher has a BAD kid in her class who has to go to the OFFICE like every day!

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* For the record, no, she was in the bathroom washing dishes**, NOT using the toilet.***

** Until our kitchen is reassembled (but it's only been 8 months!!), that's where we're forced to wash them. We couldn't be happier about this...

*** She NEVER does that.

A conversation between M- and D-: Children, Interrupted

Here's a 100% authentic, oblivious conversation between two masters of a certain art form:

M- (continuing a story about school): Well, sometimes we talk while the teacher is talking, anyway, so...

D- (interrupting): THAT'S called "interrupting". It's...

M-: It's NOT good. It's very RUDE! Dad hates th...

D-: Dad was doing that back to us yesterday...

M-: Yeah he was, it's very annoying!

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You may enjoy my previous (4YO daughter) M- conversations, (7YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Amusing searches, Vol. 14

Here are more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here recently, this time with the theme of: The Least Depressing Searches That Led People to my 10 Reasons my 3-Year-Old Son May be Homosexual Post.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• 4-year old son walks gay (Harlingen, TX) - You know what they say, if it walks like a gay, and talks like a gay, you're probably unnaturally obsessed with your child's sexuality. Father or mother, I'm just glad this is how you spent your Mother's Day.

• 5 year old behaving homosexual (Queen Creek, AZ) - You'd think living in a place named Queen Creek, Arizona, you'd be resigned to this kind of thing. He's just trying to fit in!!

• when 2 year olds smear feces on the walls (Covington, KY) - Let me finish that for you: "...then the fun begins!"

• is it wrong for my 3 year old to sleep with me (Marysville, OH) - Yes, but only because the resultant insomnia might cause you to murder him or her "in your sleep".

• 20 year old son maybe homosexual? (Billings, MT) - Preeeeeeeeeeetty sure by this point, it's no longer your concern.