Classic quotes, Vol. 25

While you're remembering our fallen troops this Memorial Day, lighten up the mood a bit with some recent quotes from my 3-year-old daughter M- and my 6-year-old son D-:

M- (just standing there, repeating herself over and over): I'm going to clean up after myself, without even a word. I'm gonna clean up the whole house, without even a word!

D- (absolutely incredulous, after my mom congratulated him for telling a grownup about something that happened): ...But I DIDN'T tell a grownup! I told DAD!! *

M- (while waxing poetic about the popsicle she was just given): Visions that are dancing through my head, are POPsicles!

D- (overheard from the playroom, in a very stern, controlled tone): No, I'm NOT playing school with you, I'm playing my own game. Stop trying to make me, or I'll just tell Dad. (unintelligible response) ... No, then you'll have no kids at ALL, because I'M. NOT. PLAYING. And if you try to PUSH me on it, I'll. Tell. Dad.

M- (towing a long string of paper behind her, pulling off a line many guys have vainly tried through history): Wanna pet my snake?? He's really long...

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* I would make this same distinction.

Future careers of my daughter's preschool class

At the preschool graduation for my daughter's school yesterday (as an underclasswoman, she was just there for moral support, I guess), the teachers announced to the gym each graduate's answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Here are some of their actual answers:

1. Race car driver

2. Doctor

3. Batman

4. Teacher

5. Police officer/Firefighter

6. Army guy

7. Dentist

8. Spider-Man

9. A doctor AND a teacher*

10. A Mommy

I'm pretty sure that last one was planted, to squeeze a few extra tears out of the audience. Nevertheless, I noted a distinct lack of willing candidates for Equally Necessary Jobs like the following:

1. Systems analyst

2. Septic tank cleaner

3. Telemarketer

4. Import/export facilitator

5. Cat burglar

6. Lounge singer/DJ

7. Local politician

8. Hustler

9. Tabloid photographer

10. Racehorse euthanizer

I hope most of these kids are headed for a junior high epiphany resulting in a slight change of career path, because otherwise we may be facing a hell of a lot of very bitter, disillusioned telemarketers/gravediggers.

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* This one's the kid who couldn't decide if he should go for impressing the chicks or kissing up to the teacher, so he went for both. Sounds like the winner to me!

Things that amuse me, Vol. 4

Here, as the title might suggest, are a few more things that have been amusing me lately:

1. After being forced to half-watch the new Tinkerbell movie, I have to wonder how my daughter will handle it once "Tink" is picked up for all that soliciting her wardrobe tells me she must be doing out there in Fairy Hollow.

2. His careful sounding out of written words means that my 6-year-old son D- provides me small pleasures like listening to him loudly announce, "Ass... Ass... Ass..." across the house.

3. Aren't dreams supposed to be the realm of unattainable fantasy and unbridled imagination? That's what I always thought, until I realized that my recent uneventful dream of shopping online for pedometer batteries was definitely par for the course.

So it would seem that sleep is just an extra 5-6 hours (at best) for me to nag myself and continue leading a thoroughly tedious existence.

A conversation with M-: Dying is easy, comedy is hard

Here's a little conversation I had with my 3-year-old daughter M-, who was drinking some juice while I sat here working my precious day away like a chump:

M- (with a serious face): Remember that time that I laughed and my juice came out of my nose??

Me: Yeah-- owie!

M- (confused): What?

Me: I said, "Owie!"

M- (incredulous): No... that's not owie, that's FUNNY. It came out of my nose!!

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (6YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

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A great deal extended through May - Magazine subscriptions on Amazon, 2 Years for the (deeply discounted) Price of 1! We've already ordered 3 different women's magazines-- guess who those are for??

* Of course, I receive a percentage of whatever you order, but that doesn't mean this isn't a tremendous value, right?

Classic quotes, Vol. 24

Here are some recent quotes from my suddenly-very-quotable 3-year-old daughter M- and my 6-year-old son D-:

M- (very pointedly adding an important qualification, so I don't get too cocky): I love you! And I'll love you forever! (suddenly serious)...Because you let me use your special spoon.

M- (after my wife, who's a highly functional Fruity Pebbles addict, pointed out Mother's Day was coming up): Oh yay!! That day we get to have the colored cereal for breakfast!!

M- (when asked if she's learning a lot in her new preschool): Yeah... Mostly playing, though, not learning. Playing outside... and inside...

D- (very dramatically, after I casually referred to my sister's "friend"): You mean... boyfriend?

M- (touching the edge of her skirt): This is not as short as I want it to be.

M- (answering my exasperated "Why do you think I gave you a fork??"): Ummm... for me to fork things.

M- (rambling in her high chair): Switch, witch, bitch, mitch, rich, itch... heh, heh... "switch" and "itch" rhyme.

Amusing searches, Vol. 7

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time with the very simple theme of "complaining about your children." This could really be the first of several in a healthy sub-series of posts.

Note: All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and in this case, all searchers arrived at my 10 reasons my 3-year-old son may be homosexual post, which is apparently the only post on the Internet whose title features a child identified by a hyphenated label including his age. Or else it's just the strongest and most fascinating.

• why does my 5 yr son old piss around the house (Bloomington, IL) - 1) Because it's easier; 2) because he can; and 3) because he owns the property but isn't responsible for cleaning it. Also, I'd bet he somehow understands he won't be able to get away with it for long, so he's living it up while he can. Ahhh, to be that young again, never in search of the nearest bathroom...

• 3 year olds hands do the same thing (Davenport, FL) - This is a very slippery slope. "Same thing" meaning what? Picking his nose? Playing with his food? Poking his sister? Playing with himself? Stabbing at his dad's eyes whenever he looks away from him? Based on my thankfully fuzzy recollections of that age, you have to be much more specific.

• 9-year-old son lazy barefoot (Sandusky, OH) - Are you looking for a role model for the boy? If so, just let me know, and I'll try to see about getting around to offering him some pearls of wisdom. Better yet, just send him out my way, and he can lay at my bare feet just watching the master at work. Well, maybe "work" is too strong a word.

• my 3 year old son always has to be first - Correction: Your 3-year-old son always WANTS to be first. My 3-year-old daughter is the one who actually must be first. I do not recommend denying her this, or at least not without adequate protection.

• 10 yr old son likes to be naked (Surprise, AZ) - Who doesn't? Especially out there in the deserts of Surprise, Arizona. (Yes, that's really the name.) Let me warn you, though, if you say too much to him about it, you'll find him naked 24 hours a day for the next ten years, powered solely by spite. And nobody likes to see an angry naked guy. So do us all a favor and lay off, lady.

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A nice deal for those with babies: 10% off essential items like diapers, wipes and formula at Amazon

Things that amuse me, Vol. 3

Here, as the title might suggest, are a few of the things that have been amusing me lately:

1. They should print the tags of children's clothing in the front, so my kids might accidentally put some on properly one day.

2. This is a scrap I found from at least a year ago, about a Camry radio commercial I'm absolutely certain they're no longer running:

Totally Sincere "Customer" Voiceover (the culmination of a series of praises about the Camry's dependability and consistent reliability, including "It's good to know there are some things you can still count on"): "When I'm stressed out about something, I sneak out to the garage and look at the Camry, and I feel better."

Well, I have a Camry, myself, and let me tell you, much as I've always liked it [and still do!], this has never worked for me.

3. With the way he's been behaving lately, my 5-year-old son D- sitting up alone in his room playing his harmonica makes me picture him rotting in a cell singing, "No-booody knooooows, the trouble I've caused / No-booody knows but my-teacher-the-principal-the-bus-driver-my-parents-other-kids'-parents-my-grandparents-their-grandparents-and-just-about-everyone-ellllllllse".

4. I feel like I need to hang an announcement around my daughter's neck, to cover me in case of my untimely demise, that reads, "She dressed herself today."

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Cool deal for April! Magazine subscriptions on Amazon - 2 Years for the Price of 1

Classic quotes, Vol. 23

Here are some recent quotes from my 5-year-old son D-, my 3-year-old daughter M-, and me:

M- (insistently, while I was singing "All You Need is Love"): No! You need food, too!

D- (to my mom, who'd asked him what the story was about his misbehavior at school): It's not a story... it really happened.

Me (caught off guard by maniacal children while preoccupied): Hey!! Take. it. easy! Or... it will be taken easy for you.

D- (quietly rationalizing with his crying sister, on her way to tell on him): Hey-- whatever I did... I did NOT do it.

M- (through the above-mentioned tears): D- was attackling me!

At what age can I know this isn't a coincidence?

As infrequently as I've (regrettably) been posting on here the past few months, thanks to the new house and then this contract work, I've been even more scarce over at HotDads.

So head on over there to check out my latest post, with only this title as a teaser. Enjoy!

Amusing searches, Vol. 6

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here during these past few months that have been so devoid of new posts.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• is it ok that daughter buys annivarsary card on behalf of husband - Is it okay for you that they do this? Of course. Is it okay for the two of them? ...Ask her. Seems kinda sad to me, but man, Hallmark must love her commitment to their products even to the point of this nonsense. (Also, for my own future reference, does she get a good deal on these "annivarsary" cards from the Irregular bin at the dollar store?)

• curing a belligerent horse (Jonesboro, AR) - Poetic concerns aside as to whether a supposedly belligerent horse needs "curing", I'll say that while I appreciate the particular struggles of horse trainers, I'm not sure why one in search of an answer to a professional question would stop to click on a search result titled "Screw curing cancer, we've got robot ladies now!"

• do not babysit (Virginia Beach, VA) - Okay, okay, I can take the hint... Clearly you've just perused my selection of bad parenting, lack of shame, screaming, self-righteousness, and sarcasm posts.

• literaldan.blogspot.com screw-curing-cancer-weve-got-robot - Since this (and many, many other searches, for some reason) came from Mountain View, California, I think it's fair to assume that the top brass of Google is intensely interested in how exactly I've managed to take over the Internet without actually making any money or getting on TV yet. That, or they're thinking of offering me a job in their vaunted Nitpicking, Irreverence, or Procrastination departments.

• barefoot inebriated woman (Warren, OH) - If that's what you're looking for, then allow me to point you, happily, over to your fellow Ohioan. You won't be sorry!

• amusing a 3 year old (Bristol, VT) - I'll give you a hint-- it must involve rhyming wordplay and, more importantly, bodily functions in some way. Preferably graphically so. Just picture the humor of a 30-year-old man, and then aim a little higher brow.