02 September 2008

North Dakota on my mind

In a footnote yesterday, I suggested that I might compare* the U.S. state of North Dakota to a state of near-death.

You must understand that I say this based on the fact that it's the only U.S. state from which I haven't yet recorded a visit to this blog. Every other state has sent me anywhere from a handful to well over a thousand hits, and in fact half the states have visited at least a hundred times, along with 53 foreign countries, but between the two Dakotas, I'm holding steady at 1 visit in almost 8 months.

What gives, Dakotas?!? We must have some common interests or interpersonal connection that might trick you into coming here. Given that you have the highest percentage of churchgoing citizens in the U.S. (according to Wikipedia**) and your highest point is something called White Butte, I feel sure it's a temptation when I suggest you can stop by once in awhile to yell at me for being a "filthy, godless, America-hating, city-slicking, Obama-loving, liberal hippie!" Sound good? You know it does.

Actually, the most cutting of criticisms would be that this whole post is just a ploy to attract an unsuspecting hitchhiker or two wandering the Google turnpike from up Dakota way. This, however, is not remotely accurate, and furthermore: "Gov. John Hoeven", "Mt. Rushmore sucks", Sioux, departing, "Western Meadowlark", "flights out", Minot, "how much longer till I can leave", and "Who needs Mt. Rushmore, anyway... we're just not that showy".

Whatever you wanna say to me now, funny-talking folks, fire at will-- my comment board is open as always!

In closing, it is a distinct honor to disappoint you, my likely-incensed casual North Dakotan drop-ins. I'd love you to stay, but if you simply can't, I ask only that you leave a tiny piece of your Very Upper Midwest souls with my friends at Google Analytics on your way back out the door, so I can finally finish coloring in my cool map of the U.S. various shades of green***.





* In case you were born/raised in North Dakota, or you have family there, or you'd just like to defend a physically large state containing only almost exactly 10 times the number of people as the minor Chicago suburb in which I live, please note the supremely artful and undeniably endearing hedging of my phrasing^ here. I'd appreciate it if instead of cursing at me, you just chuckled lovingly and suggested I go into politics. ...Okay, go ahead now.

** This is a disclaimer that must always accompany any fact taken from Wikipedia-- new rule.

*** They don't call it "Anal-ytics" for nothing!

^ Or alternatively, you could just admire my extensive and arguably excessive use of adverbs and gerunds.

18 comments:

Mary said...

Well, I am now fully prepared to read the vitriolic comments of those North Dakotans who will jump to the defense of their state and all its wonders. And I hope they visit regularly, or at least once so you can have that sense of completeness with your map.

Kat said...

Why not Minot? Reason's freezin. My husband almost got sent to Minot AFB 5 years ago. I would not have survived.

Mama Dawg said...

After you do a footnote w/the little upside down "v" mark, where do you go from there?

I hope a bunch of North Dakotians (huh?) come and kick your bloggie blog.

Not really, but could you imagine?

I'm totally losing ground on the minion ladder, aren't I?

Orion said...

Fargo, ND ...right here.

And i do happen to work at a manufacturing plant that makes chipper/shredders.. (for you "FARGO" fans)

Brittany said...

Ugh...I wish I had the Fargo accent.

Kori said...

Um, wait a minute...nope. I am not from there. But I loved Fargo, does that count? And how can you tell just how many states are represented? I think I must be looking at my analytics thing wrong, because very few of my states are filled in. Like, two.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I'm fully ready to jump into the minion void left by MamaDawg's disloyalty, sir! And I can't believe Michigan isn't darker, based on my stalki...I means visits, alone!

Chat Blanc said...

ah, the elusive Dakota resident. I hear they only surface two months of the year, and even then they're skittish and usually avoid interwebs travel.

Coincidentally, I believe yesterday was the first day of the season when you can legally hunt for North Dakota residents. I hope you bag a few. ;)

Lauren said...

I found you through Chatty's blog. You two are dangerous!:-)

Swirl Girl said...

South Dakotah's got the Black Hills, Wall Drug and the Badlands.

North Dakotah has a ....uh, Fargo.

Rikki said...

The Dakota's are kind of a waste of space. Now if you go straight up into Saskatchewan, that's where you meet some kickin' people!

Make fun of the States all you want, but please be nice to Canada.

Lola said...

I should have pegged you for a Google Annoyalytics man. That thing drives me crazy! I've never even thought of trying to keep track of my visitors by state. Hmmm.

Trooper Thorn said...

The Fighting Sioux at the U of ND have the best hockey rink in the NCAA. It rivals many NHL rinks in luxury.

I'm not really making a point here Dan. I'm just sayin'...

LiteralDan said...

Mary: Mission accomplished! I gotta tell you, though, I thought it would feel different having conquered America the way I have. I guess that's just the way it goes.

Kat: "Why not Minot?" That's catchy, though I imagine it invites plenty of parody from the bitter local teenagers (every town has them!).

Mama Dawg: I don't know for sure, but I have no doubt we will find out!

I'll overlook that quip, because I've been neglecting you and much of the blogosphere for several weeks now, with vacation and work. In fact, I'll say that your contrition bumped you up one more rung.

Orion: Woohoo! Not sure how you found me, but I figured I would take a lesson Kevin Costner and build a North-Dakota-related post. Next I'll see if putting on tights and living in a tree fort gets me some hot chicks.

Please tell me you guys got Steve Buscemi to endorse the chippers!

Brittany: You do? My wife would never speak to you if you did-- she hates the movie for that reason.

Kori: No, Kori, I'm afraid to say that according to Google, it does not count.

Analytics shows you the last month's data by default-- you just have to click one of the dates shown at the top right and expand the range to the age of your blog if you wanna see how many states/countries you've hit since you started. If you want whatever help I can offer you with GA (I don't use it for much, and don't know too much, but I'm always willing to share), just let me know.

Middle Aged Woman: There's no void, for the time being, but I'm absolutely willing to overlook sabotage to create one-- gotta keep the base energized, right?

The darkness is all relative, and you've got some work ahead of you to beat Illinois, California, and Texas. Ohio and Oregon are also big, as I recall. Actually, to drive you even more, Turkey, England, Canada, and Germany are also either beating you or nipping at your heels. Get going!

Chat Blanc: Galdernit, I only wish I could... I lost license eligibility a couple years ago for trapping Nebraskans out of season.

Lauren: Welcome! Don't worry, I'm mostly only a danger to myself.

Swirl Girl: I found Wall Drug to be an incredible disappointment. I can't help but balk whenever I see one of those bumper stickers-- they must have either walked out happy enough to slap that bad boy on their car or been really dedicated to their original plan. I can't fathom either one.

Rikki: Hey it's always good to have some open spaces left, right? And the people are nice... especially the ones who visit the blog. I've gotten a few already from this post, first and foremost Orion (above).

Lola: It drives me crazy for its potential I'm not using. But I don't really have a need for it. I just like to see how many people are coming, and from where geographically and referral wise. Because I have insatiable curiosity and compulsiveness.

Trooper Thorn: Score one for the Dakotans. Though for me, hockey is way more fun to play than watch. Watching just reminds you that it's way more fun to play than watch...

The Microblogologist said...

Footnote to a footnote, sweet! You have me addicted to footnotes to the point that I use them on my own blog, which I am neglecting while trying to catch up on my blog reading and dodge an interim dean's wrath.

LiteralDan said...

I'm glad I could spread the love of footnotes, though I've apparently spread my procrastination bug along with it.

I'll wait to find out if you successfully escaped the wrath. I think it says a lot that you made a point of noting he/she is an interim dean. Nice touch.

andrea said...

I really, really hope you live in buffalo grove. fyi.

LiteralDan said...

Nope, I'm not that far out-- why? Are you from there originally?

(And welcome to my humble interweb abode, by the way)