20 July 2009

The return journey: Random riffs

Though I may have exhausted your patience with the three posts of observations on our
trip driving from Chicagoland to Northern Maine last month, here's just one post covering our trip home two weeks later.



NEW JERSEY

• After an awkward, nearly wordless, moment, I found out the reason the gas station attendant in New Jersey took the pump from my hand and put it into the car for me was that it is illegal to pump your own gas in the state of New Jersey. (Oregon is the only other state with a similar law.)

Some online research revealed that it has been this way since 1949, following the logic that the untrained public should not be allowed to handle such large quantities of flammable liquids. Now I'm sure repealing this ridiculousness is a union/jobs issue, and since it's New Jersey, probably also a mafia issue.

I'm not sure what Oregon's excuse is, though. Something granola or sandal related, perhaps?

• Exit 12 on I-80 offers to take you to "The Land of Make Believe". There are so many sarcastic remarks to make here, they're all jammed up in my brain trying to get out first. Do you smell smoke?


PENNSYLVANIA

The coffee machine at one of the rest stops we visited along I-80 offered "whitener" for your coffee. Not cream, not milk, not "creamer"-- whitener. This is too ambiguous a substance to allow in any drink of mine, especially when that drink came out of a machine that was probably almost as shady-looking back when I was born.


OHIO

On the way back, after numerous very happy trips across the Ohio Turnpike in my time, I finally found a chink in its armor-- the last rest stop on the Westbound side, at mile marker #49, Oak Openings. Upon walking in, I was confronted by the question of exactly which openings of the oak we would be lucky enough to stumble into.

As I strode warily across the taint, I guessed that those industrious Ohioans had started overhauling their rest stops at the west end moving east, then moved back from east to west before running out of money while tricking out the Blue Heron stop just before this one.

I guess this economy finally brought me something good, in that I was sent home far less tempted than usual to move to Ohio just to work as a migrant panhandler hobo-ing it up and down the Turnpike with the kids in tow. Think about it-- living rent-free, eating fine fast foods, and all the change my cargo pants could hold!

Now, I have to amend this dream to leave at least one of the kids at home, for their own safety and my sanity. But which one? ...Which one would bring me more sweet sympathy coins? Which one could better pick a pocket and outrun the fuzz when needed? Ahhh, choices.


And this, mercifully, closes out the drawn-out series of posts about our trip, from which we returned over three weeks ago now.

9 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

They are both adorable, but I'm thinking D- could run faster. Of course, everyone would want to pick up M-, so the pickpocket opportunities expand.

Mama Dawg said...

The girl should be your choice to keep. She's quick with her mind and I bet she's pretty nimble fingered as well.

Russ said...

Since I grew up in NJ, I know all about having to sit in your car while a pump jockey swipes your credit card and fills the car. I don't get it. If the rednecks down here can handle not blowing up gas stations, surely the high brow Jersians can do it.

Considering that the gas prices in NJ are lower than they are here in NC, I can only imagine what the prices could be there.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Then are you supposed to tip your gas pumper? And you still have to turn your car off and everything? Once I went to a FULL service gas station here in Utah and they hopped over, asked which kind I wanted, how much, and starting pumping my gas. At first I thought it was just because I was pregnant and they were being nice, but the guy showed me specifically on my receipt where I could write in a tip amount (to be added to my debit card later).

It was all too much for me to handle I'll stick to Maverick from now on.

Krystal said...

okay - i would prefer someone to pump my gas - prolly because I always forget to close the gas tank door.

Kori said...

See now, at least the term "whitener" is an honest one. I mean, powdered "creamer" actually explodes when you light it in fire (don't ask how I know that), so it can't really be called CREAMER, and non-dairy creamer is just, well, gross, so if I am going to whiten my coffee, I rather like the ambiguity. I dirnk my coffee black, though, as I think creamer is a sign of weakness unless you are at Starbucks ordering a grande white chocolate mocha, EXTRA HOT, with a third shot od espresso-because that third shot cancels out the milk and whipped topping. I had a point, but you kow, it's gone now.

Christy said...

I thought I was the only one that thought the whole coffee whitener thing was weird! Whew.

Take the kid that you're most likely to get something for in trade in case you ever find yourself in a sticky situation. :D

Sarah said...

Cross the taint?
Why that word? Used as metaphor, but for what?

Momo Fali said...

Why would anyone be tempted to move to Ohio...ever? If I didn't have family here, I'd be in Arizona.