14 September 2009

Storybook Weddings: Elmo, assault, rampaging horses, and idiocy

I came upon an older article recently about 13 wedding horror stories, including a massive brawl at a lesbian wedding, and a groom arrested for violating his new wife's restraining order, and I figured I'd share my amused observations on a few of them:

Bride Drunkenly Assaults People - I'm pretty sure the lady in this amusing mug shot is the yin to the yang of this bride I posted about awhile back.

Bride Thrown From a Runaway Horse-Drawn Carriage - You may question his methods, but you can't argue with the results when God decides to point out that you're being kind of a douche.

Bride's Dress is Ripped by Dry-Cleaners After her Wedding - Really? This is on par with being arrested, poisoned, or nearly killed by a truck?? I'm thinking they ran out of good ones but still wanted to have 13, for the gimmick.

Husband and Wife Brawl With Police When Renewing Vows - When your name is "Elmo Jesus", there's bound to be a few assault charges anytime lots of people are gathered.

Woman Swallows Engagement Ring - This one was fated to end disastrously from the moment it was conceived. If this lady is anything like my wife, he should have already known that you do not put anything you value between her and a Frosty.*

Man Scales Side of Brooklyn Bridge to Retrieve Ring - This one answers the age-old question, "What does an idiot do when he drops something?"



* I know that sounds bad, and she'll probably groan and hit me, but it's true, and I would never lie to you people, or even withhold unflattering information. Honestly, I don't blame her, though-- those things are good! Have you ever dipped a fry in one?

Editor's Note: With that winning note, speaking of brides, I'd like to announce that today is my wife J-'s birthday, which has always been one of the biggest highlights of her year. Since it's not yet been made a national holiday (though it was, much to her chagrin, named a national day of mourning 8 years ago), the day is tarnished by her having to go to work.

Wanna help me brighten her day with some well wishes?

12 comments:

Always Home and Uncool said...

Happy day, J-. Make Dan post a photo of you smiling in his header.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I like the header photo just fine. It looks like she just heard Dan say something. Happy Birthday, J-! Nothing completes a day for a teacher like making a kid cry, so go for it!

Russ said...

Happy Birthday!

Mama Dawg said...

Happy Birthday J!

Just remember that's it's scientifically been proven that women live longer than men.....so keep that in mind the next time you have a "disagreement" with Literal. You have THAT much longer to hold on to the grudge! LOL!

Have a good one!

Life with Kaishon said...

Happy Birthday to your sweet, sweet wife Dan : )

Keith Wilcox said...

Swallowing the ring has got to be the all time classic! The guy would just sit there going "wait! Slow down! You're missing something!" Gulp! HAHAHAHAH.

Swirl Girl said...

Happy Birthday J-

I'd love to see your picture!

Swirl Girl said...

I mean I'd love to see a picture of you smiling and Dan doing something embarrassing!

Mary said...

Happy Birthday, J-. Maybe for your birthday you can have a full name....

Mama Kat said...

Happy birthday J-, I would send you some frosties, but the computer is not accepting them. Boo.

Shannon said...

I pity the fool who comes between me and my Frosty.



Happy Birthday, J-!

Trooper Thorn said...

I wonder if it's karma that while the stories you have posted deal with matrimony, the Google ads displayed (at least on my end) are for self defense and martial arts training? If a person needs to study Tae Kwon Do to make it through the nuptuals, staying single doesn't sound so bad.