Here is another rule for life as subliminally dictated by my 4-year-old son D-:
1. Whenever one or more action figures are set aside, they must always be lain in a 69 position. Certain case-by-case exceptions are allowed only when a position of equal or greater inappropriateness springs to mind.*
(Updated to add picture)
Here are some more rules of D-, my 4-year-old son. This time, it's a sampling of questions and statements that should not arouse any suspicion at all:
1. Can you stay in the shower for awhile longer?
2. (walking into a room, apropos of nothing) I didn't punch her...
3. Go away from me now?
4. I don't want you to ask me about that.
Here are just three of the rules for life my four-year-old son D- seems to live by:
1. If you are told not to throw a ball in the house, that's merely an invitation to improvise-- parents like to challenge kids to think outside the box. Try bouncing it extremely hard, kicking or rolling it into something with enough velocity to propel it into the air (this process absolves you of any blame), or even rolling it up a wall hard enough to make it hit the ceiling. These are all proven winners that are bulletproof come Lecture Time.
2. There's hot, very hot, and freezing hot.
3. Baby blankets and other small cloths are made exclusively for children's entertainment, rather than for infant warmth, as is commonly misperceived. Additionally, they can be used for home defense by stretching them out across a polished wood floor, forming a devious booby trap for any rival four-year-olds* who might run through without paying attention or thinking about what happens every single time they run over a blanket on a wood floor.
