Amusing searches, Vol. 13

If I ever found out more about the people who arrived here via Internet searches, I think it would only be a letdown compared to the outlandish caricatures that spring to mind for each search (complete with funny voices). If one of these people is you, well, you'd better start upping your game.

Anyway, here's a grab-bag of some of the most amusing searches that have brought people here.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• Goldfish crackers MSDS (Saginaw, MI) - While they may be as addictive as cocaine or as dangerous as other chemical substances, I'm pretty sure Pepperidge Farm still is not required to issue an MSDS for Goldfish crackers.

• but it is indisputable that while you cannot possibly be genteel and bake? what does this mean (San Antonio, TX) - Why Google pointed you to my main page for this, I don't know, but maybe they're on to something, because I just so happen to be able to pass you, dear reader of Great Expectations, along to this dictionary entry for genteel. I'm pretty sure the rest is self-explanatory.

• why raisins are gross - I'm glad Google's fighting the good fight to present my own views on the wonders of raisins whenever someone so foolishly puts a statement such as this out there. I can only hope this searcher was looking for reasons someone with no taste buds might make this claim, so that they could most effectively refute those reasons. Yes, I take my raisins seriously.

• sexually irresistible woman (Haradok, Belarus) - You know, I've been called a lot of things in my time, but I think that's a first. To my face, anyway.

• spongebob vagina (Leer, Germany) - With someone as absorbent, yellow, and porous as he, I would think even a scientist would have trouble distinguishing one orifice from another. Sorry to disappoint you, Extremely Disturbing Person.

Classic quotes, Vol. 29

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

M- ("agreeing" with me after being told she had to eat lunch instead of play with her favorite toy dog, Woof): Okay-- as soon as I'm finished with The Adventures of Woof, then I'll eat lunch.

D- (confused, then disappointed, realizing he accidentally got up in time for school all by himself): Is it a school day??

M- (sadly not yet accurate): ...It was a long time ago. I mean, not like when they used to fight WARS, and everything... I mean like a few DAYS ago.

J-'s student (transcribed, for later write-up purposes, without any context at all on a Post-It note stuck to my DVD J- brought back from school): Say my name one more time and this spoon's going up your ass!

M- (talking to me from the bathroom, as she's wont to do): So was that popcorn supposed to be an "appetite" before lunch?

The downside of exposing children to classic novels

Quoting the escaped convict in Great Expectations recently, my 6-year-old son D- threatened to cut out the liver of his 4-year-old sister, who refused to be quiet at bedtime.

Needless to say, she didn't get the reference.

Classic quotes, Vol. 28

It's been a surprisingly long time, but at long last, here are some quotes I've collected in the past few months from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, 2-month-old son E-, and wife J-:

M- (calling down from upstairs while supposedly getting ready for bed, in an overly dramatic announcer's voice): I have a feeling! [...] I have a feeling... of monsters?

D- (matter-of-factly to M-, as she returned from informing me that she's "pretty sure [she] heard a mouse", because she "heard footsteps somewhere but they weren't Mom's"): So, what did he say about all this mouse business?

M- (sassily, when called out for playing in her room instead of cleaning): I was folding a shirt. ...Is that called 'playing'?

J- (reluctantly, referring to her then-overly-pregnant state): Alright... while I'm dressed and looking relatively decent, you should probably take my picture.

M- (in the tattletale voice): D- is pretending to haaaaaaarm meeee!

E- (while smiling): Ah gugrggggg!*

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* Trust me, this is much, much cuter in person.

Important Question: How does she fit all that clutter in just one bag?

This thought occurred to me recently, and I decided it was a fair question to pose to all of you, or at least those of you who read blogs on weekends and who are also in the habit of commenting.

So I suppose this Important Question is directed at you three, then:

Do you remember how old you were when you discovered there is no housekeeping fairy?

That's right-- what tender, innocent age were you when you coldly realized that the person who was sneaking around cleaning up when no one else was looking was actually... you?

Things printed on bibs to keep parents from abandoning babies

Here's a list of catchy infant bib slogans strategically engineered by the baby apparel industry to help defend against the distinctly anti-social habits of its primary customer base,* the world's cutest self-absorbed douches.

Sometimes (say, around 3:30 in the morning on Day 42), a simple "I Love My Mommy" just doesn't cut it.**

1. Pretty Soon, Everything You Do And Say Will Be Unbelievably Hilarious To Me

2. Daddy's Little Wingman

3. Sometimes I Smile By Accident!

4. Chubby Cheeks! Chubby Cheeks!!

5. One Day, I Will Choose Your Retirement Home

6. Yes, I Really Do Say "Goo" Sometimes

7. I Am Powerless To Resist Your Efforts To Make Me Talk, Gesture, And Dance For Your Own Amusement

8. Daddy's Little Tax Break

9. Don't Forget, You Can Start Lacing My Nighttime Bottles With Rice Cereal As Soon As The Doctor Only Rolls Her Eyes At The Idea Instead Of Threatening To Report You To The Authorities

10. Have You Checked How Tiny My Toes Are, Lately?

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* They also service dolls and extremely tiny adults.

** This list might more accurately be titled, "Things printed on bibs to keep parents from leaving their babies to fend for themselves in the backyard each night from 11pm to 7am".

One-item lists, Vol. 3

Most inconvenient things about my wife getting a Caesarean section
1. I wasn't allowed to make her laugh for several weeks. I really have no idea how else to interact with her.

Reasons I don't want my wife using my side of the bed as a storage area when I'm not there
1. Because I get to find in it lovely treasures like, say, the shriveled stump of an infant's umbilical cord lying next to the used tissue in which it was allegedly once loosely contained.*

The kinds of ways I count my blessings
1. The snow didn't blow around and drift waist-high like usual during a recent windstorm here... thanks to the preceding hours of heavy rain freezing everything solid.

Proof that "ladylike" tendencies don't kick in until after age 6
1. (Female classmate of my son's, apropos of nothing in the hallway one morning during a schoolwide Norovirus epidemic): Destiny, I wasn't in school yesterday! ...Yeah, I pooped in the car, so...

How I can tell my daughter may be the ultimate Anti-Vegetarian
1. Nothing has changed since I posted this. My 4-year-old daughter M- recently smiled between mouthfuls of ham roll-ups and said, "Since I watched Babe today, I was in the mood for ham! ...Because pigs make ham."

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* And let me tell you, the only thing more shocking than finding such an item is realizing that you were able to identify it, completely out of context, in under 10 seconds.

A conversation between M- and D-: Sometimes love just ain't enough

Here's a quick little exchange that pretty well sums up our days at this stage, with my son D- six and my daughter M- now 4.

Me (sick as ever of the nearly non-stop bickering, which apparently I may miss someday): I thought I told you two to go to separate rooms?!

D-: She keeps following me!!

M- (the world's newest queen of drama... bow before her): That's because I love you! I follow you because I love you! (to me, desperately) I follow D- because I love him!!

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You may enjoy my previous (4YO daughter) M- conversations, (6YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

A conversation with D- and M-: The forbidden fruit

What better and more appropriate way to start out the year --after having closed out last year with a brand-new baby-- than with this recent conversation with my 6-year-old son D- and my then-3-year-old daughter M-?

D- (reading a joke from somewhere): What kind of fruit do ghosts like to eat?

Me: I don't know, what?

D-: Boo... (switching to spelling mode) B-O-O-B-E-...

M- (jumping in, proud to show off her impressive "reading" skills yet again): Boobies!!

D- (shocked, confused, sure this must somehow be a dirty joke he accidentally read, but slightly amused): Heh-heh.

Me (obviously now relating a much-less-funny joke): Boo-berries. ...Not boobies... It's "BOO-berries", because pretend ghosts* say, "Boo!", right? ...Boo-berries.

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* Must always be on guard-- no, ghosts aren't real, go to sleep!

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, D- conversations, and J- conversations.

The ultimate stocking stuffer

Look what I found in my stocking this year:
A two-day-old baby? It's another Festivus miracle!

Editor's Note: He's very tiny.

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Alright, fine, I can provide more information... we'll call him E-; he was born 6lbs, 5oz, and 19in long. Here we go again!