Sound the alarm!

Folks, we have a little emergency down here at LiteralDan Enterprises-- someone needs our help!

Let me fill you in on an important e-mail* I received yesterday from a "Mrs. Nomi Solomon" of "Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire":

First of all, let me assure you that she is "the above named person from Kuwait." She was "married to Mr solomon anthony.who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2005." They "were married for many years with out child."

But here's where it gets tricky: "Recently, [her] Doctor told [her] that [she has] serious sickness which is cancer problem." I'll pause here to let that soak in.

As tragic as this story may be, this woman is not being allowed to finish out her life in peace. Yes, she is "not afraid of death hence [she] know[s] where [she is] going," that is to say that she "know[s] that [she is] going to be in the bosom of the Lord," because "Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight [her] case and [she] shall hold [her] peace." Unfortunately, she has some Earthbound complications that are causing her much stress:

"When [her] late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (US$2.500million dollars in a Bank in Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire west africa)." Now, "presently,the fund is still with the bank," so don't worry yourself too much-- it's safe for the time being.

However, what "disturbs" her even more than her "stroke sickness" is her fear that "[her] husband's efforts [might] be used by unbelievers" (non-Christians), who of course would never use it for "orphanages, widows,propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained," but rather for pagan parties of Bacchanalian delights or some other such selfish disgrace. Heathens!

The modern American cynic in you might think this clearly unimpeachable dying widow is not actually such, and is instead someone trying to trick you into sending her your money or bank information, but it is quite obvious to me that this is not the case at all. Shame on you! She just doesn't "want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why [she is] taking this decision."

Now, here's where we come in: She doesn’t "need any telephone communication in this regard because of [her] health hence the presence of [her] husband’s relatives is around me always [she doesn't] want them to know about this development." Thankfully this weak and sickly woman is being allowed unrestricted and unmonitored access to the Internet, or we might not be able to help her rescue her husband's money from these unbelievers incompetently nursing her and feebly attempting to keep her comfortable in her last days with undoubtedly selfish motivations.

As you know, "with God all things are possible", so worry not-- as soon as we "contact [her] on the above e_mail address for more informations", "[she] shall give [us] the contact of the bank here in Abidjan." And all she wants in return is "the church to always pray for [her] because the lord is [her] shephard. [Her] happiness is that [she] lived a life of a worthy Christian.

Be advised, however, that "any delay in [our] reply will give [her] room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose," so let's get our act together and make sure we are the ones to help this poor dying widow find some comfort during her last days in this mortal coil.

I vote that all of you contact her on my behalf, since I'm quite busy. If each of you issues a plea for her to nominate me as the most worthy recipient, and you give her my address for the giant check, I assure you that I will then distribute it fairly amongst my readership for doing good works in the name of Christ and stuff.

When you contact her, at naomi_sol5@k.ro.clickingherewon'tsendtothisaddress, please assure her of the following: 1) "that [I] will act accordingly as [she] Stated herein"; 2) that I want "to serve the Lord" so I will "serve him in spirit and Truth"; and 3) I will "always be prayerful all through [my] life." She'll know what it means.

Oh, and be sure to tell her to "remain blessed in the Lord", and sign off with "Yours in Christ"-- she'll eat that stuff up.

I mean... that's how I always say goodbye. I'm a good Kuwaiti/Cote d'Ivoirean/Romanian Christian, after all.


* It was so important, it bypassed my Inbox and went right to a little-used folder called SPAM, which I can only imagine stands for Super-Pivotal Awesome Mail.