10 June 2008

Sound the alarm!

Folks, we have a little emergency down here at LiteralDan Enterprises-- someone needs our help!

Let me fill you in on an important e-mail* I received yesterday from a "Mrs. Nomi Solomon" of "Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire":

First of all, let me assure you that she is "the above named person from Kuwait." She was "married to Mr solomon anthony.who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2005." They "were married for many years with out child."

But here's where it gets tricky: "Recently, [her] Doctor told [her] that [she has] serious sickness which is cancer problem." I'll pause here to let that soak in.

As tragic as this story may be, this woman is not being allowed to finish out her life in peace. Yes, she is "not afraid of death hence [she] know[s] where [she is] going," that is to say that she "know[s] that [she is] going to be in the bosom of the Lord," because "Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight [her] case and [she] shall hold [her] peace." Unfortunately, she has some Earthbound complications that are causing her much stress:

"When [her] late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (US$2.500million dollars in a Bank in Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire west africa)." Now, "presently,the fund is still with the bank," so don't worry yourself too much-- it's safe for the time being.

However, what "disturbs" her even more than her "stroke sickness" is her fear that "[her] husband's efforts [might] be used by unbelievers" (non-Christians), who of course would never use it for "orphanages, widows,propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained," but rather for pagan parties of Bacchanalian delights or some other such selfish disgrace. Heathens!

The modern American cynic in you might think this clearly unimpeachable dying widow is not actually such, and is instead someone trying to trick you into sending her your money or bank information, but it is quite obvious to me that this is not the case at all. Shame on you! She just doesn't "want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why [she is] taking this decision."

Now, here's where we come in: She doesn’t "need any telephone communication in this regard because of [her] health hence the presence of [her] husband’s relatives is around me always [she doesn't] want them to know about this development." Thankfully this weak and sickly woman is being allowed unrestricted and unmonitored access to the Internet, or we might not be able to help her rescue her husband's money from these unbelievers incompetently nursing her and feebly attempting to keep her comfortable in her last days with undoubtedly selfish motivations.

As you know, "with God all things are possible", so worry not-- as soon as we "contact [her] on the above e_mail address for more informations", "[she] shall give [us] the contact of the bank here in Abidjan." And all she wants in return is "the church to always pray for [her] because the lord is [her] shephard. [Her] happiness is that [she] lived a life of a worthy Christian.

Be advised, however, that "any delay in [our] reply will give [her] room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose," so let's get our act together and make sure we are the ones to help this poor dying widow find some comfort during her last days in this mortal coil.

I vote that all of you contact her on my behalf, since I'm quite busy. If each of you issues a plea for her to nominate me as the most worthy recipient, and you give her my address for the giant check, I assure you that I will then distribute it fairly amongst my readership for doing good works in the name of Christ and stuff.

When you contact her, at naomi_sol5@k.ro.clickingherewon'tsendtothisaddress, please assure her of the following: 1) "that [I] will act accordingly as [she] Stated herein"; 2) that I want "to serve the Lord" so I will "serve him in spirit and Truth"; and 3) I will "always be prayerful all through [my] life." She'll know what it means.

Oh, and be sure to tell her to "remain blessed in the Lord", and sign off with "Yours in Christ"-- she'll eat that stuff up.

I mean... that's how I always say goodbye. I'm a good Kuwaiti/Cote d'Ivoirean/Romanian Christian, after all.


* It was so important, it bypassed my Inbox and went right to a little-used folder called SPAM, which I can only imagine stands for Super-Pivotal Awesome Mail.

11 comments:

Christy said...

I'm on it. Leave it to me to help do the work of the good Christians, it's what I'm all about, frankly.

Mama Dawg said...

Ahhhh...the all important e-mail post you were referring to in one of my posts.

Yours is so much more worthy of attention than mine.

Mine was only about hook ups and singles and match making.

I will jump right on this. However, will I be allowed to since I'm not a Kuwaiti/Cote d'Ivoirean/Romanian Christian? Or will the lack of my very specific faith hinder your process?

P.S. Thanks goodness you have a new stalker who posted first. Whew, glad I've got a good cover now.

Andrea said...

You should help her!!! I have heard that soooo many people are making millions with this scheme, ahem, act of duty.

Where is your good Christian faith?

Let us know how it pans out...

SherE1 said...

Will do - but only if this brings us closer to world domination. Does it? I think $2.5MM would definitely help our cause!

MamaNeena said...

I'll be sure to do this in your name!!! Now, does this guarantee me another tote??

TentCamper said...

I would help out in a flash....but iI am:
a.not a Christian
b. in the middle of my astronaut training.
and
c. I've been told to leave, at least, a few good deeds for other people....I do so many.

Always Home and Uncool said...

I always like to respond to these email but saying I'm more than willing to help ... then signing with the name and phone number of one of my least favorite bosses from the past.

Chris said...

I love the idea of leaving the name of an old boss...thanks for that. Not only have I received this, but there are so many other deserving people from Africa or the Middle East wishing to use my bank account to make me richer than I could ever dream...wouldn't that be nice... and what is sad is that there are those that do fall for these schemes...

Vanilla said...

That lying whore! She sent me that EXACT same e-mail and I already responded to her. Why is she now seeking out others? Am I not good enough?

Kori said...

Clearly I am doing something wrong, as I am NOT getting any of these emails; I guess I am just not Christian enough, sob sob....

LiteralDan said...

Christy: Aren't we all?

MamaDawg: You can always convert to Kuwaiti/Cote d'Ivoirean/Romanian Christianity. We've been waiting for you to join our flock for quite some time now.

Andrea: My good Christian faith is right here, sister! Hopefully it pans out like a California prospector's shaking it to pieces, so I can do good things in the name of our Lord and all that.

SherE1: Yes, it will bring us to a total of $2.5 million towards world domination.

MamaNeena: Guarantee? Oh, nothing's ever guaranteed, my friend. But I'll see what I can do after I contact my supplier. When I get one. Who can survive armageddon.

TentCamper: I gotta respect the list format-- nice work. And I hereby dismiss you from savior duty due to your many valid excuses.

Always Home and Uncool: That's just a plain fantastic idea. You shouldn't give such things away for free-- maybe send out some unsolicited e-mails making reference to it as an incentive for a cash advance. I hear it works pretty well.

Chris: Can you send me some contact info? I'd love to network with such cooperative folks.

Vanilla: Whoa, tiger, slow down there-- there's plenty enough Mystery Lady to go around. You're probably just her backup, and there's no shame in that.

Kori: Well, you sound Christian enough to me! Tell you what, I'll forward you all the copies of this I get (I'm up to four now, each with a different name), along with a select few others of a similar vein. How does that sound? Keep your chin up, and turn that frown upside down!