13 July 2009

Proof I didn't kill my children

[...or, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Screams"]

Well, my computer decided to break down Thursday, and in fact it's still out of commission until I can find my Windows CD, so here you get Friday's promised picture post on Monday.

Here's a short summary of the trip home in (representative) pictures.

We had a little drive across Maine and New Hampshire, stopped to see Nanna and Poppa in Rhode Island, got in jammies, and we'll surely be there in no time, right? Why not celebrate by doing our best Sean Connery impressions?

He can only cock the left eyebrow, so farIt's all laughs and smiles until someone gets cranky:

They should use this for toddler tantrum classes in Baby CollegeFor those trapped in a five-point harness, this is a good stress-reducing position to assume for at least 40% of the time, to keep your circulation going so you can get maximum screaming power from what meager foodstuffs you're likely to be offered.

For those trapped in a relatively comfortable booster seat with a mere shoulder belt (who would never, ever, ever deliberately arm and then set off a Toddler Bomb), this would be the ideal posture-- furious concentration on something else almost as loud and annoying, piped directly into your ear holes:

He makes this kind of face way too often for a 5-year-oldIf the option to get out of the car more than the doctor-recommended 14 times an hour is firmly withheld from you, you must be sure to stretch often and look as bored as possible while doing so:

I'd trade this for most other modes she had-- she needs to learn now that life is often pretty boring, and relentlessly soIn between reps, if no other activity is offered to you, just pretend to read until that ability spontaneously manifests itself:

I should submit this to MENSA and convince them she can actually readOnce you're again done with that, don't be surprised if your traveling companions/jailers playfully attempt to assuage their guilt by forging evidence that everyone has been having a really great time and no international anti-torture laws were being broken:

Look how I lean to hide her behind my smiling head... looks so natural, doesn't it?Console yourself that once the sun goes down, the toddler vampires have free reign, and they make pathetic wandering parents their playthings, biting their heads off like so many Winnie-the-Pooh animal crackers.

It's such a taunt that pictures of sunsets never look anywhere near half as good as they do in personAlso, only then is the portable DVD player allowed to return to its rightful throne on the front armrest, ruling as a benevolent Pixar-spewing overlord, appointed for life by acclamation.

And all will once again be right with the world, until those mutinous parents, who hate anything that makes children smile, pull the stupid car into the stupid garage and ruin all the fun.

13 comments:

Bad Momma said...

Sounds like great fun! This is why the "Staycation" was invented. I'll have to pop back when you have your computer fixed!

Chris M. said...

You know, they sell cars with "rear entertainment" packages now.

Clearly, it's designed towards children.

As "rear entertainment" for adults would consist of at least one or more of the following:

1. A wet bar.
2. Card table w/ unlimited chips.
3. A stage for strippers.
4. A paintball gun to fire at passing motorists.

Maybe I live in a strange world.

-Chris
Weather Moose

Always Home and Uncool said...

A little hit of Benedryl in the sippy cups can make the drive much more peaceful for you, ya know.

Middle Aged Woman said...

My god, those are cute kids. Thankfully, mine are grown.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Who's the strange fellow in picture six?? You shouldn't pick up hitchhikers. I think it's illegal.

I remember, back in the good old days BEFORE mandatory seat belt laws ... you could lay down across the back seat and kick anyone in the car. Do you ever look back and see the awkward position children are forced to sleep in during travel? Yeah, no wonder they get cranky, all kinked and folded

Swirl Girl said...

"Down with in car entertainment centers. You're gonna play the alphabet game, and the license plate game, and I Spy, til your heads' explode and your going to like it!"

ooh- sorry , channeling my inner road trip goddess there.

Mama Dawg said...

Those are cleverly constructed mannequins. Seriously realistic, yo!

Mary said...

somehow I think someone was happy at some point. Did you take photos while they watched said dvd player?

Midlife Mama said...

LOL Man, now I remember why I'm glad my kids are grown. Road trips with toddlers. YIKES. When we used to travel cross country when I was a child, all I needed was a pile of books and I could read for days. I was very fortunate that I did not get car sick.

Trooper Thorn said...

I blame the seats. When I was a kid, we had no child seats and I
m sure I was a dream for my parents to transport long distances.

A Free Man said...

Ah road trips with kids in tow. Fun. Fun. Fun. I love your girl's look in that fourth shot. "I'm sooooooo bored."

Miss Grace said...

I'm always surprised by how lovely your children are. Not because I expect them not to be, just cuz you don't post that many pics, and if I had those kids they'd be my SOLE BLOG FODDER.

MamaNeena said...

Those headphones are as big as he is!