17 October 2008

All the Queen's bees vs. all the President's boys

On the way home from preschool yesterday, D- began chanting a somewhat disturbing song I only vaguely recalled hearing before-- The Baby Bumblebee Song.

Like any red-blooded American, my first thought was that I needed to call the ACLU to organize a protest against the teaching of this song that clearly incites violence against innocent bees, but then I thought, you know what else incites violence against suddenly-less-than-innocent bees? Those panicky little f***ers themselves stinging people without having the decency to give them a little honey first.

I guess I run hot and cold like that, so it's good to know that the kid is being sent off somewhere two afternoons a week to study at the feet of more level-headed people who understand we need to begin training our anti-bee army* as early as possible, to protect America at home and abroad in our uncertain future.

In case you haven't yet had the honey-soaked veil lifted, don't feel too bad when singing happily about slaughtering their young-- all these bees are steadily leaving for more profitable positions overseas anyway, so they can jack up their already obscene profits by avoiding taxes while exploiting our insatiable appetites and not giving a bit back voluntarily.




* An important special unit in our overall War Against Nature.

27 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

I say, Kill the Bastards.

Chris said...

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehave Dan.

-Chris
Weather Moose

Brittany said...

Gosh, I have mixed feelings about this politically charged post. Pre-Bee movie, I would have been all for the mass slaughtering of baby bumble bees, because, sure, they are cute now, but they grow up to be mercenaries. But now, I feel maybe I misjudged them, I mean,they just want to make honey and buzz around things, and like most computer animated jaunts, the Bee Movie must be accurate....what to do, what to do....

Natalie said...

the bees here are carnivorous. if we eat outside in the summertime the bees buzz around our food landing on the meat portion of the meal. i have watched them gnaw off small pieces of meat. i say kill the bees! i think they like to trick us with movies like the bee movie...making us think they are all flowers and honey. well you can't fool me bees! i have seen you at work! you are dead meat! hee hee!

MamaNeena said...

All this over bees? Impressive, my friend.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Hey, guess what, my husband ('s company) made the Bee Movie video game, but it was torture for him, as he is one of those deathly afraid of yellow flying bugs with stingers (God help us if a bee should fly on the car while he's driving!). Anyway, so the game is terrible (according to my ever-honest 6 yr old), but please buy it anyway so he doesn't have to get a real (boring) job, k?

Kat said...

Down with stinging insects!! I say we don't stop at bees, but go after wasps, yellow jackets, and hornets as well!! How's that for war mongering?

Mary said...

I think I would drop said bee on the ground and stomp on it but don't most die after stinging anyway?

Mary said...

Wow, I see Google links below the bee post to buy a crane. A real crane. Dan, are you drawing a construction audience here? Or is this possibly the influence of D- who is sneaking in a Christmas list suggestion here? Click on the links. Something every home should have. Or is this related to the making of origami cranes? Did J- make origami construction cranes by mistake?

Threeboys1mommy said...

I'm with The Foodie. The Bee Movie (aka my babysitter) must be accurate, additionally it has been an endless source of entertainment for my husband and I.

Not the movie itself, but the look of utter confusion on my sons faces when we watch Seinfeld. Priceless.

LiteralDan said...

Well, I'm glad you all have seen reason and are ready to join my new Anti-Bee Army. First move as high commander: pass around my hat for dues!

Brittany and Threeboys1mommy: I can't believe you bought into that blatant hive-hugging propaganda. Let me guess, you're also pro-Monster and pro-Clownfish? Come on, Brittany, pull yourself together! Just think-- bees are vaguely related to ticks!

(BTW 3b1m, I love that story.)

Natalie: I think I need to go whip up a few dozen counter-propaganda posters based on this tip! Who knew??

Mrs. B. Roth: That's cool-- I assume any version will do? (Wii/PS3/360/PC/etc.)

Kat: This calls for some sort of Excellence in Mongering award. Maybe we should just name it for you?

Mary: You have so much to learn-- you must always make sure they're dead. If you'd so gladly take a stinger as your method of attack, I've got the perfect position for you out on our front lines-- Hive Smacker/Stinger Sponge. The rest of us can sit back and pick up any stragglers at our leisure.

(I do believe the crane ads are due to the origami post, but D- would definitely love to know how easily he could acquire a real crane.)

Politi Gal said...

Kill 'em? Nah...I say let 'em bee:)

Don't hate y'all! You see, he good bees are the ones who invented rainbows (little known fact)and the bee god (Jahobee)made sure all bad bees die a horrible death, leaving their stinger and guts behind after committing the unholy (unhoney?)act of assaulting man or beast.

Yes it's true, Jahobee truly does work in mysterious ways:)

ali said...

Now you've done it. The pro-bees will come out of the woodwork (sorry) and you'll bee (sorry) swarmed (sorry) with the hate mail you so eagerly await!

Jenni said...

When I was a kid, we had two other verses. One involved licking up the smushed bee and the other involved puking up the smushed bee. So, gross.

CaraBee said...

I've had a crazy thing for honey lately, so I'm kind of pro-bee right now. However, I'm allergic to the little b@st@rds, so I'm okay with a little selective smushing.

Jozet at Halushki said...

I was a lover and protector of bees until one bit me on the soft underbelly of my foot and I couldn't walk for two weeks.

Have you heard the jump rope song "My mother and your mother were home drinking gin, my mother smacked your mother right in the chin..."? My Girl Scouts loved that one. ;-)

Miss Grace said...

The best part of that song is when "I'm licking up a baby bumblebee." Who thinks of that??

How to Party with an Infant said...

At least she wasn't singing "I kissed a girl and I liked it," something my 4-year old has picked up from her slutty little friends at preschool.

Joe said...

Yeah... wait until you witness D- get stung by one of those f***ers... you'll be singing the song as you pour gasoline over the hive.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

I have preschoolers and I have never heard this song. Thankfully, my children have not been exposed to it. Because, I am very much against the squishing of innocent baby bumblebees. We should all be against the squishing of insects.

Thanks for giving me something to think about today, Dan.

miko564 said...

Wow, my first time here, and I walk into a great Bee debate!

I apply the same criteria to violence, against anything, that I tell the little one to use before she decides to hit.

Bees do their business, I do mine, we're all good...the minute it appears their intentions may include a stinger and me or mine? Dead bug.

Momo Fali said...

Reading into a bit, aren't we?

Vodka Mom said...

Save the damn bees, dammit!!!!!

Joe said...

I don't know if I can be your friend anymore Dan. I was at a Halloween hayride thing today with my family and got stung by a friggin bee on my finger. I'm inclined to blame you, as I think it mighty coincidental that you make a bumblebee post and I get stung shortly thereafter.

Could you make a lottery post next?

Ringleader said...

Natalie- sorry to be an nerd here, but those would be yellow jackets. Bees don't eat meat, but yellow jackets DO and will dive bomb your children in a Safeway parking lot if they are holding chicken legs until you are forced to have your kids throw their half eaten chicken legs as far as they can to avoid being attacked... or so I've heard.

Ringleader said...

Joset at Halsuki-
Eenie meenie miney moe had a second verse where I grew up, "my mother and your mother where hanging the clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose... what color was the blood (pick a color) R-e-d and you are not- it! Is that bad?

People in the Sun said...

Bees are cool. You don't bother them, they don't bother you. But I'm all for killing wasps.

You know what, bees are borderline. As long as he doesn't want to hurt spiders, it's okay.