03 October 2008

P.S. I squish you

The other day, J- left me a nice note before heading off to work at the crack of dawn (in response to an even better note I had left her, thereby granting me the clear edge here), and while it was, as I said, nice, as we approach five years of marriage and 10 years of knowing each other, we're past the stage of saving every little scrap of everything in a shoe box somewhere.

That being said, I want to clearly state for the record that I would in no way ever deliberately defile or deface a love note from my wife in any way, no matter the size or lyricism of it, except in the rare case that I could do so in a way that was absolutely, unquestionably hilarious. That opportunity has, fortunately or unfortunately, not yet arisen.

However, after her note lies upside down on the counter all afternoon, I think I can be held blameless for later accidentally using it to squash a tiny bug walking across our counter. Our counter! Of all the disrespect for the insect kingdom to show me... my counter! In my own home!! No, I am not redirecting the focus here.

Do you have any idea how many bugs I have respectfully let walk, fly, or crawl out of my sight, probably to be squashed by someone else later that day? But this little guy just strolled along my primary food-prep surface (and you know he was defecating all the way) careless as you please, insulting my intelligence by trying to blend in with the little specks in the pattern on the counter, figuring for some unknown reason that I don't have the peripheral vision of a... an owl? Something with incredible, godlike peripheral vision, anyway.

So, yeah, I grabbed the note and poinked that f***er-- no big deal, right? Tell that to the O in love.

But you know what? Since my wife is first finding out about this right now along with you, let me just take the opportunity to point out here that right amongst a handful of other things at the core of our relationship is her hatred of bugs and my sworn duty to protect her from them. So I'd say that disgusting smear of life's essential gooey parts is a flourish that only a truly loving husband could think to provide, and thus I converted what had been a mere note into a unique declaration and symbol of our love. Before throwing it in the garbage.

I may need to re-spin this.



Editor's Note: Yes, I'm aware that "life's essential gooey parts" could be completely misread, but since it's also a great name for a band, I'm leaving it in.

32 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

Way preferable to Husband's method, which would be bare-handed and make me gag.

Sometimes the squishy is good, eh?

Jill said...

Noble. Noble indeed.

Debbie said...

My husband can use absolutely anything he finds in the house, including the children, to squish bugs. Perfectly fine by me.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

What you need is flowers, wine and a TJ Maxx excursion for the wife.

Seriously Mama said...

Bring home presents, lots of presents before she reads this. I would also fluff up the couch cushions if I were you... :-)

Kat said...

I would totally forgive you.

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm sure she will be happy to know her love note died a noble death.

Casey said...

I get where you're coming from, really. My kid started preschool this year and I used his FIRST PIECE OF ART to squish a spider. In my defense, I looked for a shoe first but for once, there were none laying around.

Brittany said...

OH MAN! This Post title TOTALLY reminded me of a sketch for the great Kids In The Hall, The Head Crusher....love it!

Kori said...

Sigh, does she know how lucky she truly is? Either that or I already fell for THIS spin, no need to re-spin it. What a manly heroic kind of guy you are, protecting the home and counter from the defacating little creatures! Heck, I think she should REWARD you!

ali said...

When your whole second paragraph is a disclaimer and your third paragraph starts with the word 'however' you're in trouble. Still, a nice spin. Did you used to work for Fox News?

Renee said...

Coming up on five years of marriage, and ten years of knowing each other, myself, I'd say you're probably okay, as long as you promise her you don't believe in foreshadowing.

Ringleader said...

Hmmm- "smear of life's essential gooey parts"- before I linked back for the definition of "poinking", I had a whole other visual going on (yes- mind in the gutter). I'm sure you and your wife are very attractive, but out of respect, I think I'll go ahead and amend that visual to just the bug getting squashed. Nothing personal:)

Joe said...

You fool!!!! Delete this post right away. Burn the note and bury the ashes in the backyard. If J- finds out, she'll say nothing.

But in 5 years, when you're least expecting it....

Swirl Girl said...

Once the note has been read, it is essentially useless. I vote for the squish.

Elisa said...

Oh, yeah, you need to re-spin this. Because if you guys really save every note you wrote to each other (really? WOW), then she's going to be pretty annoyed you just used her to squash a bug. It's offensive, really. I am almost offended for her. Almost ;-)

Insane Mama said...

Wow, you saved the day! YOu could always wipe off the squashed bug bits and put the note back on the counter upside down

Candid Carrie said...

I love the way it feels when a bug gets squished, that popping sensation is so much more rewarding than dancing on bubble wrap.

Mike said...

Hey, as long as you guys are doing sweet stuff like writing each other notes you will be okay no matter WHAT you do with them later!

jenboglass said...

Oh, I saw this one coming! You should know that, as a woman, your wife is equipped with the ability to pull out from her recall memory every instance, every conversation and use it to her advantage. This skill is a learned talent and not genetic as once thought. They pull the girls aside during those maturation classes in 5th grade to teach us tips and tricks. Sadly, any husband credit you built up with your superior note, was squashed along with the bug. Your tale was indeed a metaphor.

The Microblogologist said...

Being in the middle of Iowa I don't bother squishing bugs, they are just a fact of life. I usually refer to them as my roommates. The occasional wasp is always fun, especially if it poses for a picture or two before escaping or dying to send my stinging insect phobic mother, lol.

playnnotes said...

I was expecting something a bit different as I too was reminded of the skit from Kids in the hall. I found this to be pretty funny. I only wish that I had a love letter to squish a bug with.!!!
I supose what you need to find out is what happend to your even better note to see if you are ok. If it indeed landed in the trash as well, at least you used hers to rid the house of the pest! In essence making her note even better than yours...hmm

Tara R. said...

All in all, due to her fear and loathing of all things creepy, crawly, this may have been a very appropriate way to utilize the love note.

TerriRainer said...

If it was a roach, all would be forgiven.

Actually, ANY bug should be, I'm sure she'd rather it DEAD and defiling her love letter to you, than crawling across her plate at dinner time!

WTG One-Eyed Dan (the bug MUST have heard of your nefarious nick name).

:) Terri

Vodka Mom said...

Just came back from the annual bug fair here at the University. We ATE a variety of bugs, raced cockroaches, made bug masks, wait, what were you talking about? oh, SQUISHING bugs. nevermind.

Unmarried Housewife said...

Ha ha, you'd hate it round here. Currently the main living area hosts a wide variety of insect flora. I just don't have the heart to squish the big black crickets roaming about and that house centipede with it's dozens of legs? Nope, he's free to hang out in the bathroom. You grow attached to them after a while. :P

muskrat said...

i'm disappointed to not see a comment from the mrs. maybe you can give us an update post later.

J- said...

This was a noble cause for my beautiful words of love, I would have it no other way. Oh, and I agree with Playnotes it does indeed make my note just a bit better. Everyone is always looking for the ooey-gooey lovey-dovey and my note had it all.

Mama Dawg said...

I got your back on this one, buddy.

Laggin said...

I would save forever any love note Car-man used to kill a wasp for me. No wait?! I wouldn't. But I would fondly remember it.

sweetcheese said...

Bravo! My guess is that any killing of defecating bugs automatically trumps any supposed carelessness with tenderly written notes. At least it does in this house!

LiteralDan said...

I'm glad most of you guys saw things my way.

Casey, you totally have me beat, so I feel like I'm on a lot more secure ground.

Elisa, we stopped saving all the little things awhile ago, now we only save the important ones.

Carrie, while you may be right, that thought grosses me out just as much as when it happens.