Amusing searches, Vol. 11

Here are more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here, offering me yet another opportunity to employ my superpowers of Mockery and Sarcasm.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• escort woman says "you look handsome" (Cumberland, RI) - Escort woman then says, "I have to charge you extra for compliments." Sorry, champ.

• reasons a 3 year old might not talk (Cambridge, OH) - Well, to make light of your understandably vexing problem, now that I'm on my second 3-year-old, I gotta say I haven't come upon a single reliable reason so far. Even unconsciousness.

Still hoping one will come along, though, for at least a few minutes at a time.

• homosexual sons of stay at home fathers (Plymouth, MA) - You do know I was kidding, right?

• pinworm potty (Kuching, Malaysia) - Boy, that really makes me just wanna hold it forever.

• things that I don't like doing (Mumbai, India) - I came up in this search of yours??   .....frowny face.

• what is the worst smelling diaper (Knoxville, IL) - That's kind of a philosophical question, so I'll give you a philosophical answer: the one you're changing right now. (Closely followed by that one you changed a couple days ago, wherever it may now be rotting.)

When Google Translator joins the dark side...

From within the surging stream of spam comments flowing across this blog every day, I've landed a couple gems that I have to at least admire for entertaining me a bit before I tossed them back.

The real miracle about this first web of incorrectly selected synonyms is that it's eventually understandable at all:

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Record Taskmaster in a enter office told to a woman,”You possess to take another stamp on this correspondence literature as it is too heavy.

The woman replied, “How would an extra character get it lighter.”

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Your reward for parsing through all this is to arrive at a mild but satisfied chuckle, along with the opportunity to award the high praise of, "Oh, heh, I get it."

But that one's got nothing on this completely inexplicable paraphrasing of a Pink Panther scene my parents have always loved:

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(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).

A servant walks into a department store and sees a beautiful itty-bitty dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to darling the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not snack!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

Submitted by Rick Bell

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I'm intrigued by this spammer's acknowledging his/her national origin, impressed by his/her including an attribution for the joke, and just confused by the last line.

I have to say, bizarre spam comments like these are at least a breath of fresh air compared to the good old-fashioned densely packed page o' links, the strings of nonsensical symbols standing in for characters in various Asian fonts I don't have installed, and generic false praise leading to dating site pitches.

The ones that really have me suspicious are the ones that don't seem to include any links at all, or possibly just a link to my own blog, which only say something like, "Wow your this interesting article post keep it up I'm very informed from this topic it help me a lot on my college university paper project."

I was very tempted to let these two stand, as tribute to the spammers' attempts to offer something different in trade for my letting them use some comment space for free Viagra advertising, but in the end common sense prevailed.

They'll have to console themselves with this special highlight post, which is also guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom.

A conversation with M-: What good's education if you can't show it off?

The following exchange with my 3-year-old daughter M- came in the midst of a completely unrelated conversation between my wife J- and me in the car the other day:

(J- and I discussing something boring like taxes, or kitchen remodeling)

M (loudly interrupting): BABY gorillas are nice. (ominously) But NOT silverbacks.....

Me: ... Huh? ...M-, did you learn about gorillas in preschool today??

M- (satisfiedly): YESsirrr.

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (6YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.