31 October 2010

One-item lists, Vol. 2

Things not to say to your pregnant mother
1. D- (in response to J-'s comment that a ground squirrel looked especially fat): "Probably, it's the mom."

Things that are only slightly more fun than a spontaneous, unsedated colonscopy
1. Talking politics with old men from the country during a recession.

Unsolvable mysteries of the universe
1. My wife couldn't care less that I finally acquired some Bacon Salt to sample... This is a woman who would gladly wrap each piece of her breakfast cereal in bacon if only it wasn't so time-consuming.

Things that seem like they must be made up, but are not
1. The head of the Skoll Urgent Threats Fund, formerly head of Google's philanthropic arm, is named Dr. Brilliant. Dr. Larry Brilliant. It just seems like he's showing off every time he signs his name. Can you imagine how ecstatic his dad and mom must be? They would be, respectively, Captain and Professor Brilliant, Lord and Lady of Nerdlingshire.

Things that are ruined by rescheduling for the convenience of adults
1. Halloween. Free the 'Ween, suburbia! I hope you're having a great one today, and that you'll get out there and get you some candy (with hired orphans, if you haven't yet made your own candy-bait organ grinder monkeys) regardless of what your town or church might have declared about when or where you should be pounding on your neighbors' doors, demanding candy in exchange for their peace and security.

29 October 2010

Things my wife hates

The following is just a small sampling, put into list form, of the things my wife hates, as plucked from a recent conversation while pregnant AND sick with a stomach flu.

1. Stupid children acting like stupider children.*

2. Feeling sick just thinking about food.

3. Feeling hungry all the time anyway.

4. Stupid teachers acting like the stupidest children.

5. Pooping at work.

* Ranting about our tender, young, innocent children? No, not this time. She teaches junior high in a special ed school for kids with behavioral problems. The kids who get kicked out of literally everywhere else they could go, end up on her doorstep.**

** A barbed doorstep made 18" thick of solid, pure, American-made Tough Love.

08 October 2010

A conversation with M-: Your ultimate sacrifice is greatly appreciated

This is a conversation I just had with my 3-year-old daughter M-, who was eagerly awaiting one her favorite lunches-- ham roll-ups.

(For those who want the secret recipe: Take some slices of lunch meat, and roll them up. Serve with whatever other random convenient things you can get a 3-year-old excited about.)

M- (still basking in the affirmation that it would indeed be honey ham): What's this ham made from again? Pigs??

Me: Yep, "ham" means a kind of pig meat.

M- (ridiculously happy, and very sincere): If I see pigs? I'm gonna say, "THANK YOU, pigs!" Because pigs make the MOST delicious food in the WORLD! With their bodies.

To top it off, having recently watched Babe and calmly taken to heart Babe's least-favorite aspect of the movie, she suddenly continued a few moments later, still glowing in anticipation of lunch.

M-: Yeah, that's why they all go on the trucks. ... To go to the factory, where they..... make the ham.

She then proceeded to devour a plateful of them.

You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (6YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.