31 March 2011

Amusing searches, Vol. 13

If I ever found out more about the people who arrived here via Internet searches, I think it would only be a letdown compared to the outlandish caricatures that spring to mind for each search (complete with funny voices). If one of these people is you, well, you'd better start upping your game.

Anyway, here's a grab-bag of some of the most amusing searches that have brought people here.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

Goldfish crackers MSDS (Saginaw, MI) - While they may be as addictive as cocaine or as dangerous as other chemical substances, I'm pretty sure Pepperidge Farm still is not required to issue an MSDS for Goldfish crackers.

but it is indisputable that while you cannot possibly be genteel and bake? what does this mean (San Antonio, TX) - Why Google pointed you to my main page for this, I don't know, but maybe they're on to something, because I just so happen to be able to pass you, dear reader of Great Expectations, along to this dictionary entry for genteel. I'm pretty sure the rest is self-explanatory.

why raisins are gross - I'm glad Google's fighting the good fight to present my own views on the wonders of raisins whenever someone so foolishly puts a statement such as this out there. I can only hope this searcher was looking for reasons someone with no taste buds might make this claim, so that they could most effectively refute those reasons. Yes, I take my raisins seriously.

sexually irresistible woman (Haradok, Belarus) - You know, I've been called a lot of things in my time, but I think that's a first. To my face, anyway.

spongebob vagina (Leer, Germany) - With someone as absorbent, yellow, and porous as he, I would think even a scientist would have trouble distinguishing one orifice from another. Sorry to disappoint you, Extremely Disturbing Person.

25 March 2011

Classic quotes, Vol. 29

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

M- ("agreeing" with me after being told she had to eat lunch instead of play with her favorite toy dog, Woof): Okay-- as soon as I'm finished with The Adventures of Woof, then I'll eat lunch.

D- (confused, then disappointed, realizing he accidentally got up in time for school all by himself): Is it a school day??

M- (sadly not yet accurate): ...It was a long time ago. I mean, not like when they used to fight WARS, and everything... I mean like a few DAYS ago.

J-'s student (transcribed, for later write-up purposes, without any context at all on a Post-It note stuck to my DVD J- brought back from school): Say my name one more time and this spoon's going up your ass!

M- (talking to me from the bathroom, as she's wont to do): So was that popcorn supposed to be an "appetite" before lunch?

08 March 2011

The downside of exposing children to classic novels

Quoting the escaped convict in Great Expectations recently, my 6-year-old son D- threatened to cut out the liver of his 4-year-old sister, who refused to be quiet at bedtime.

Needless to say, she didn't get the reference.