31 August 2010

Amusing searches, Vol. 10

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, with no particular theme this time.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

santa peeing on roof (Toronto, Ontario) - That's right, Santa gave up on coal for naughty children years ago. He just wasn't getting through to them like he does now.

why do people act dramatically - I don't really know. But I have a question for you: WHY do you always ask me questions like this??!? Because you hate me?!?? I'm never speaking to you again, in fact I'm never speaking to anyone again, because I'm going up to my room to DIE. Forever!

you're awfully fidgety (Jacksonville, FL) - How can you tell that from there??!? Is your ISP located in Jacksonville, but your mobile device is located INSIDE MY HOUSE?

if my son was born 10/9/08 how old is he (Norristown, PA) - Let me take just a second and a half for you here... 22 months. 22 months.

sexually irresistible (Columbia, MO) - Ah, dammit... you people can find me on the Internet now?! I've gotta get my name changed again...

how people become self conscious (Durban, South Africa) - Well, first you start thinking way too much about yourself and how the world perceives you, then you become immovably obsessed with the fact that, like every single other person in the history of the world, your entire existence is ridiculous and unnecessary in every way.

27 August 2010

Jesus was a carpenter, right?

Something about living out here all on our own, with all the breathing room we can stand and an entire second garage just for tools and such, my carpentry fever has flared up worse than ever. I'm slowly acquiring all the tools of a world-class woodworking shop.

My new motto, whenever my wife mentions wanting to buy something, is, "I could make one for you out of wood."

A chair? A table? A staircase? A dresser? A patio? An ottoman? A kitten? A stepstool? A pillow? Why not?

And yet, even I know my limits.

But perhaps it doesn't seem that way to other people, based on the following conversation about our upcoming kitchen remodel that I had recently with my friend Adam, who gave me the nickname LiteralDan years ago.

Adam: You're gonna buy cabinets?? You know they're crazy expensive, right?

Me: Yeah, I know...

Adam: You, of all people, I'd expect to make your own cabinets. You could totally do it, too.

Me: Well... I've been tempted, but it'd take me forever, to do it right. ...I wanna learn and practice in a lower-profile area.

Adam (uncharacteristically animated, earnest, and encouraging): C'mon, you could do it! You're just enough of a perfectionist that they'd be done right, even if they took a long time, and you'd have them forever. You could always point to them and say, "I made that."

Me (finally catching on): ... You're just trying to talk me into the disaster of making my own kitchen cabinets for your own entertainment, aren't you?

Adam (proudly): Yes, yes I am.

23 August 2010

Classic quotes, Vol. 27

Here are some recent quotes from my 3-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

D- (to me, around 1pm one day, with an awfully judgmental tone for a kid who stayed in his jammies till 5pm just two days earlier): How come it's like... 3 o'clock in the morning and you're still not dressed?

J- (solving the age-old problem of no one wanting to hear about your dreams): I had this weird dream... about lesbian sex.

M- (about as successful as her brother trying to say "sanitizer"): My teacher has snatininizer in our class-- she's got buckets of it.

D- (while playing with M-, in a Motivational Speaker voice): Think teamwork!

J- (sweet-talking me in her usual way, describing some guy who shares my name among other similarities): He's just like you! ...But uglier.