28 July 2011

Amusing searches, Vol. 15

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, in this case all to one post-- we'll again call this The Least Depressing Searches That Led People to my 10 Reasons my 3-Year-Old Son May be Homosexual Post.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

why is my 5 year old son's tooth sensitive to hot? (Oshawa, Ontario) - I'm guessing because his central nervous system works. Don't worry, though, that should clear up in a few years

my 3 year old son trys on clothes in secret (Marathon, WI) - If your 3-year-old is able to somewhat competently put on and take off a whole outfit, I wouldn't worry too much about what he or she puts on in particular. Just enjoy the extra 10 minutes of sleep you'll get in the morning.

how long is a normal 12 year olds penis (Hailsham, UK) - Oh, I dunno... anywhere between, say, 1 inch and 15 inches? Just like the range for everyone else? (Most women excluded.) One can only hope you're keeping this preoccupation to yourself.

what is wrong with my 3 year old (Leicester, UK) - Assuming your 3-year-old is like most, let's see... 1) He smells like he doesn't much care for baths; 2) He really could stand to wipe his nose, but not on his clothes again; 3) He should be returned for warranty service on his volume control; 4) He's just so needy! I mean, seriously, does he EVER help with chores, or carry YOU in from the car? And 5) The kid doesn't even know how to read!

24 July 2011

Things that amuse me, Vol. 9

Here's another selection of items that have been amusing me these days:

1. Only a kid* can be taken just as seriously with chocolate smeared all over his face as he is any other day and time.

2. Much like a dog chasing a car until it slams on the brakes, every time I succeed in swatting a fly with my bare hands, I immediately regret even attempting it. And yet, there I am again swinging away the next time.

3. My wife --who shudders at the mere thought of an insect** going about its life far underground, much less anywhere inside her house or immediate one-mile area-- so craves the attention of a cat that, when faced with what I'll call my Dismayed Reaction to her observation of fleas and ticks on the stray cat she and our kids had been frequently petting for a few days, she shrugged them off and casually explained, "You just need to wash your hands..."

4. My two older children, D- (7-year-old son) and M- (4-year-old daughter), have lately alternated between 1) experimenting with the power of demanding privacy in the bathroom/when changing; and 2) loudly offering each other audiences before their porcelain throne/mooning each other at will.

* Or possibly Hitler.

** Even a firefly!

18 July 2011

Classic quotes, Vol. 31

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 7-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

D- (to my mom, after he chose to dump unhealthy amounts of cinnamon on his toast): Your cinnamon is really HOT!

M- (missing the point of a race during Cars 2): Why are they driving so fast??

J- (mindlessly talking aloud to herself, after realizing Father's Day was approaching): Oh, sh*t, that's coming up already...

D- (as my dad tried to point out that he wasn't listening to the requested story he was reading aloud): What??! I can not hear you over the sound of me talking!

M- (shouting at J-, who had quietly advised her to really start sleeping, while she was pretending to sleep): I am, MOM!

J- (suffering through a diet, as M- pulled a pack of Hostess cupcakes off a grocery shelf): Put that down right now! (muttering to herself) Put it down before I buy them...

M- (ending a series of overly dramatic comments about a forklift she was hearing at Costco): Watch out, that fork lifter's going to fork us up!!