11 March 2009

Is the position of 'Belligerent chimp' still open?

At long last, we return to the latest engagement in humanity's long-running War Against Nature:

Study: Belligerent chimp proves animals make plans

According to a report in the journal Current Biology, [a] 31-year-old alpha male started building his weapons cache in the morning before the zoo opened, collecting rocks and knocking out disks from concrete boulders inside his enclosure. He waited until around midday before he unleashed a "hailstorm" of rocks against visitors.

Am I the only one who sees this through the prism of a potentially gripping dramatic action film, juxtaposing this ape preparing what he sees as an all-or-nothing death stroke against the rising tide of humanity with an innocent little girl excitedly gearing up for her first trip to the zoo?

It would star, naturally, Dakota Fanning as the girl (with only a nearly identical younger sister or --fingers crossed!-- unholy clone as an acceptable substitute), and, say, Mickey Rourke (he's sooo hot right now) as the chimp.

But the story continues:

Santino the chimpanzee's anti-social behavior stunned both visitors and keepers at the Furuvik Zoo but fascinated researchers because it was so carefully prepared.

"These observations convincingly show that our fellow apes do consider the future in a very complex way," said the author of the report, Lund University Ph.D. student Mathias Osvath. "It implies that they have a highly developed consciousness, including lifelike mental simulations of potential events."

Can you imagine being so patronized when expressing your very legitimate rage against your captors?

He should at least have fun with this, constantly upping the ante with the craziest stuff he can think of, while researchers and keepers merely dive into their protective Plexiglas cages and wipe off their glasses, furiously scribbling notes at the wonderful new behaviors they've discovered.

Just wait till you folks see the (possibly literal) shitstorm he's got planned for you all next summer! I'm thinking the sequel would have a lighter tone, adding in Andy Dick as the hero's wisecracking squirrel sidekick, and possibly Jack Black as a lovingly disapproving elephant in the next habitat over.

Before you feel too sorry for his unwitting victims, though, you have to realize that they're asking for it by taunting him verbally and in print:

"However, he rarely hit visitors because of his poor aim, and no one was seriously injured in the cases when he did, Osvath said."

These people are absolutely begging for a carefully petrified banana to the skull. And yet they lament, "it cannot be good to be so furious all the time."

Fury without an outlet is unhealthy indeed. Fury with a homemade blunt object or a fresh load of your own feces in hand is quite possibly the healthiest thing imaginable. I'm living proof.

And THAT'S a life lesson to grow on.


LiteralDan said...

Not to "lame" things up too much, but in all seriousness, I feel compelled to note somewhere that I think any zoo animal who demonstrates that level of awareness of, and anger/sadness/irritation toward, the people leering at them should be set free or at least sent to an animal preserve somewhere, along with any family or group members to whom they have bonded.

Ali said...

"Poor aim" huh? Yep. They're asking for it.

I'll go ahead and lame it up some more: We went to the zoo last summer and when the chimps charged at people through the plexiglass everyone just thought it was soooooo hilarious:(

unmitigated me said...

Are you trying to make me crazy? You have an asterisk, but no footnote. I am in PAIN.

Mama Dawg said...

Love the post, however, one change.

Jack Black AS the chimp. Mickey can be in the sequel as the elephant.

cIII said...

In the sequel the Chimp (I would like to see Abe Vigoda in that role because I think it would be cool for a guy that played a character named Fish to play a Chimp)we should have the Chimp fashion a Trebuchet.

Anonymous said...

They just have to make sure he doesn't get his hands on the newspaper and he'll never know they are mocking his plan.

Anonymous said...

And on that note, wouldn't turning prisons into a "human zoo" be a good idea? Deter crime, raise money, fix the economy. It's a win-win situation.

Kevin McKeever said...

If they don't overshave him for the pig value surgery, Robin Williams has the furriness down for the chimp part.