14 August 2009

Self-inflicted sterilization on 500 channels

Just like your mother always told you whenever she wasn't trying to use the TV as an unpaid babysitter, TV will fry your brain cells. But beyond that, it seems, it might also destroy any hope you have of growing your family larger than it already is.

Or at least that's the hope of the Indian government:

Less sex, more TV idea aired in India

On World Population Day this year, India's new health and welfare minister came out with an idea on how to tackle the population issue: Bring electricity to every Indian village so that people would watch television until late at night and therefore be too tired to make babies.

While they just might be on to something here, I have to point out that we Americans are having no problems increasing our population at what's traditionally been considered a reasonable rate.

Sure, a lot of that increase might come from illegal aliens jumping the fences to get a better look at our monstrous TVs, but still, we keep the Labor and Delivery nurses on their sensibly supported toes all by ourselves.

If the Indian government's logic was as sound as they seem to feel it is, can you imagine if someone took away America's national average of 8 hours a day of television time? Or, worse yet, our additional 7 daily hours of dicking around on the Internet?? Three billion of us would be packed in here like a typical American backside in a Chinese airplane seat!

We might even, through exposure, manage to grow past our Puritan repression and resulting obsession with sex as something illicit and get back to doing something meaningful with ourselves! I mean, besides making more selves.

Anyway, I tend to agree with this heroic 24-times-a-father from Uttar Pradesh:

"After watching TV," he says, "when we look at scintillating things, we will probably want to make more children."

Yep, that's pretty much how it works, buddy-- you're ahead of the curve!

Even if he's wrong, it's worth noting that although the poor are only getting electricity, at long last, in an attempt to trick them into abstinence, they will eventually learn that it can be used to do other helpful things like light one's house and refrigerate food. They might then feel so happy and hopeful they'll have a few more kids just to celebrate. Jai ho!


Irrational Dad said...

EIGHT HOURS PER DAY watching television???? Who has that kind of time? And better yet, since when is there anything worth watching on TV that can take up 8 hours? I've got all kinds of timers set up on my DVR to record only the coolest shows on TV right now. Even if I were to keep the TV off for a full week and let my DVR fill up, I can still only manage two hours before I'm done for the night.

Eight hours. No wonder America is getting fat.

Mama Dawg said...

Ummmm..........what if you're "making babies" while the TV is on? You know, for background noise. How does the Indian Govm't explain that one?

unmitigated me said...

"Dicking around on the internet"?!?! It's not dicking around! It's....it's...well, okay, it is dicking around.

Kori said...

I don't dick around on the Internet. No, no, I spend my valuable time looking at things that will increase my intelligence and fulfill my almost constant quest for knowledge...things like this blog post, perhaps. It seems to be working out okay, really.

That said, I posted something on my blog today about wanting another baby; and ever since, every.single.post. I have read today has had something in it about babies. I am totally NOT kidding, either. I wonder, could I convince Steve that God is trying to tell me something?

Aunt Juicebox said...

I love tv and I love the internet. I refuse to apologize for that. It's the American way.

Sally HP said...

That. Is awesome! It's pretty incredible when they're at such loose ends that they're thinking aha! Television!

On another note, Jai Ho is one of my new favorite iPod tracks to run to.

stephanie said...

this was absolutely hilarious. thanks for a good laugh.