16 December 2009

Amusing searches, Vol. 5

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time with the very simple theme of Vaginas.

I think it would thus be appropriate to dedicate this, lucky number 5 in this series, to BHJ.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered.)

orangutan vagina - Finally, one of my horde of orangutan-based searchers (living in one of my favorite places to say: Puyallup, Washington) comes out of the closet, in the middle of the night, probably after a few beers. If they hoped, in this Google Image search, to find a clinical image of a primate's vagina, or something a bit more... wild, I can only try not to imagine.

what does an orangutans vagina look like - What do you think it looks like, Mr. Scarborough, Ontario? And why do you need to know? This is getting to be an epidemic! I've decided all people who live in or near the Canadian border are disgusting perverts. You may think this is rash, but I think the facts speak for themselves.

chimpanzee vagina (Mountain View, CA and Mogi-guaƧu, Brazil) - Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but I obviously only deal in orangutans. What kind of low-grade vagina dealer do you take me for??

(And Mr. Brazil, you can be sure there isn't a stylist in the world who'd charge less than a month's salary to do a "Brazilian" for your new ladyfriend. Just imagine those wax strips! Shudder.)

someone else's urine touched my vagina, (Potomac, MD) - Is this you again?? Did you move from Regina (hey, that rhymes with your search!) to Maryland? Hmmmm... probably unlikely.

Ladies,* is it really so hard to just flush first? Especially if you're so paranoid that you'll run directly from the splash-producing toilet to the always-open arms of The Internet to find out how many days you have to live, via a search string taking the form of the opening line to a country song I never want to hear?

is it cleaner to lick a vagina or a toilet seat? (The United Kingdom) - I'm sure the ladies in the audience are deeply offended. The things those proper British gentlemen will ask The Google compared to what they discuss over high tea! But more practically, if the answer WAS a toilet seat, does that mean he'd be honor-bound to go around pleasing toilets all over town? Sorry, "loos" all over town?

ocd about getting pregnant by a toliet seat - Oh, great, thanks... now I have something new to fear.

what is origin of golden showers - I believe the answer is, technically, the urethra.

* I hope I'm not going too far out on a limb here with this gender assumption.


Anonymous said...

do you use google analytics for all this data, LD?

I never get very good searches on mine - just a bunch of folks looking for whoopie cushions.

Kevin McKeever said...

Since when did you become The Bloggess?

The last one is classic.

unmitigated me said...

All I have to say is that I live 17 miles from the Canadian border.

Mary said...

Okay, write something about a random penis and let's see who finds you on google. Canadians? The French? French Canadians?

Ali said...

Yay! Nobody from Arkansas?! I'm so proud of my state right now.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Sorry, I have to admit that one about ocd toilet pregancy was me.

sarah said...

ok. I.... I dont even know where to begin...

I'll start with getting pregnant by a toilet seat....If your vagina is even coming CLOSE to touching the seat while you're peeing then there's a serious issue that needs to be adressed immediately. Not only that but pssst...you've been pissing all over yourself....just sayin'.

sarah said...

One other thing. I wonder if little miss toilet seat pregnancy scare looked up "Do sperm jump"

Keith Wilcox said...

HAHAHAHAH! I haven't checked my keywords in a while because the last time I did I didn't like what I found. It really makes you realize how many freaks there are in the world. Funny.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Irrational Dad said...

Oh my gosh, people are so nuts!! Also, glad to see that I'm not the only one that's been slacking on their blogging duties.