30 January 2009

Corporate intelligence, Vol. 6: Walgreens

I've been hearing the following Walgreens radio ad quite a lot here in Chicago lately:

With Medicare Part D, you pay the same co-pay everywhere. So now that there's no hassle of comparing prices everywhere, come join the millions who fill their prescriptions at Walgreens!

Allow me to translate this into laymen's terms for you all:

Now that our usurious markups don't matter to you directly, come on over and go through the different hassle of changing your prescription to Walgreens for no apparent reason!

After all, as an old company ourselves, we understand how much old people love changing things, especially --as we just established-- when there's no tangible financial or other advantage, and when they're virtually
guaranteed to have "millions" of people ahead of them in line whenever they choose to endure venturing out and about!*

Sorry Gen-Xers, this sweet deal isn't for you! You'll have to keep paying those clearly exorbitant Walgreens prices for at least the next several decades, until the government can foot the bill for you!**

I wonder how big last year's bonus was for the marketing executive who approved this ad?

* "Swollen knees and back trouble from standing too long? We've got handy racks of not-inexpensive OTC pain pills lined up along the pharmacy wall, free from the price restrictions of Medicare Part D!"

** In all fairness,
someone has to cover the cashiers' overtime pay while each of those seniors counts out $10 in pennies with nearly useless arthritic fingers.


unmitigated me said...

When my old pharmacy closed, I had one scrip filled at Walgreen's. Never again.

Katy said...

I had to endure the horror that is Walgreen's when visiting family in Berkeley, CA.

It was hell on earth but with Birkenstocks.

Renee said...

We've had Walgreen's here in AZ almost all my life. Where did you guys used to shop at midnight on Christmas Eve before Walgreen's?? And where did your delinquent girls steal their cheap makeup from? And where else does one find all their singing fish and dancing rock and roll bears? Goodness, a life without Walgreen's? I just don't think I want to live in that kind of world.

Your post made me laugh twice. I forwarded it to my father in law. I'm expecting a call from him any minute now, laughing inappropriately long and loud and telling me "You've always got the funniest way of looking at things." even though i'll specifically mention this didn't come from me, but rather, your blog. Then I'll explain that to him again, and he'll just laugh and have no idea what I'm talking about.

Ryan (LWM) said...

Yes! Keep the good stuff coming.

Mama Dawg said...

I know it's wrong to laugh at old people, but that part about counting out the pennies was funny. And so very, very true!

beth said...

I am growing older but I hope I never get old and start to count my money out in astore!

LiteralDan said...

I must say I don't have much of a problem with Walgreens per se-- it's just a typical convenience/grocery store (that cashed in its credibility long ago), but this ad really amused me.

Renee, why don't you just sign up your dad to get my posts via e-mail, so he can think you're me every day!

LWM, I'll certainly try. I visited your blog and I can see you're like a fully formed portion of my own personality-- I leave you to fight the good fight, while I help whenever I can from the sidelines.

Mama Dawg, whoever said it was wrong? Besides my conscience, that is.

Speaking of which, you know who else will learn this lesson the hard way? Conan O'Brien, when he moves to an hour earlier and finds out the demographics of his new audience. Hint: Half of them still firmly believe that Jack Parr was the bee's knees.

And beth, that's just one more reason to stick with plastic-- at least the slow torture of your hands, eyes, and memory can take place in the privacy of your own home, as you write out those checks to Visa and Mastercard.