23 February 2009

Your post title is on its way!

Upon reading the slip of paper (I can't even bear to call it "a fortune") hidden inside one of our fortune cookies recently, I knew I had to ridicule it in print, in the probably vain hope that whoever wrote it might know how much shame they have brought upon themselves and their already-pretty-pathetic profession.

As lame as the so-called fortunes usually are, given that they are often either blind guesses at facts about your present or past, or generic bits of reassuring advice, this one takes the stale cookie.

After barely rescuing this paper from the furious snatches of my starving litter of rabid fox kits, I had to allow my eyes a second chance to focus on the words before reading them again in disbelief. I was insulted with the following message, which isn't even worth adding "...in bed" to (as discussed in this past post):

Your fortune is on its way!

What is this, some kind of sick karmic IOU? Call me a self-absorbed, overreacting prick, but I declare this to be absolutely Unacceptable as a fortune. I reject it and demand a replacement, or at least immediate delivery of the actual fortune promised by this one.

Also, I demand a bag of free cookies to dull my rage, but not the awful ones-- the good ones that people are always expecting when they bite into a fortune cookie, assuming anyone still makes those.

I suppose I should be grateful they used the correct its... Otherwise police all along the multi-state cookie supply chain might be desperately chasing the aptly named Stale Cookie Impaler.


Russ said...

Yep, most "fortunes" now are merely statements and not prognostications. The "lucky numbers" on the back aren't that lucky either.

Mama Dawg said...

Are you sure you read it with the right frame of mind? Maybe it's telling you that the "check is in the mail".

Ever thought of that Mr. Smarty Pants?

Ooops, sorry. Didn't mean to get sarcastic on a Monday morning.

Wait, wait, yes I did.

Jenny Grace said...

A personal fortune, from me to you:

The hotel of your mind has many vacancies

You're welcome.

Brittany said...

Maybe by "fortune" they meant sacks and sacks of gold coins you could fill your house up with, and then swim in them like Scrooge McDuck?

Allison said...

A better comment from me will be on its way.

Anonymous said...

Maybe this is their strategery: idiots will think they need to order a whole new meal in order to get their REAL fortune afterward.

It's brillant, actually.

Kori said...

Boy, that one really does bit. no pun intended.

Lacey said...

It's a marketing ploy, obviously! Luckily, the whole "its" thing should make it pretty easy to track down the culprit behind this whole thing. I haven't seen a proper its in a fortune cookie EVER!

LiteralDan said...

Russ: Most things proclaimed to be lucky are not, I've found. Except for these unbelieveably lucky popsicle sticks I happen to be selling, for the low, low price of $15 each. You can't beat it!

Mama Dawg: I will destroy you the way you tried to destroy my post! Just kidding. I'll only destroy you if I don't receive a "fortune" in the next two weeks.

Miss Grace: So, what you're saying is that I'm open minded? I'm humbled by your accolades.

Brittany: My house? Isn't that what money bins are for? I'll pay for its construction by selling 5-minute dips in me bin. $1000 bucks to rub me number 1 dime.

$5000 bucks if I have to turn around while you rub it.

Allison: In bed?

Andrea's Sweet Life: Idiots are the backbone of the economy! We need to scare them back out there and we'll all be fine.

Kori: I wouldn't even mind a pun, if that's what they wanted to stamp on my fortune slip.

Lacey: I agree-- there has to be only one guy working in the industry (undercover, most likely) who could make the careless mistake of using correct grammar.

CaraBee said...

Seriously, when I was a kid I got so excited to rip open my fortune cookie. What happened? Did they get sued for false prognosticating?

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Each Dove chocolate has little "Promises (R) Message" inside. Today, mine says, "You're allowed to do nothing." and "Count the stars." and "Watch reruns, they replay your memories."

(There are a lot more lying around, but let's just pretend I only ate 3)

Someone got paid to write those.

Anonymous said...

i agree with you that fortune sucked. hell, it wasn't even a fortune. i think it must be something you did wrong though. me & hubby, on the other hand, must have been much more deserving than you. he got a great fortune about me on valentine's day. i even took a pic and posted about it so i have proof. unlike you. i bet you just made that up so you could have something to post about.


beth said...

I'm outraged. What next: "Due to the country's economic situation, all fortunes will be sent to the Federal Government"?

Mrs4444 said...

"After barely rescuing this paper from the furious snatches of my starving litter of rabid fox kits,"....that was priceless :)