16 March 2009

Thanks a lot, Ben Affleck

You want a formidible challenge? Try writing an amusing blog post about your kids while watching a movie like (the fantastic) Gone Baby Gone.

I'll tell you something else-- you'll never be so happy that your 2-year-old woke up in the middle of the night crying out for a hug. Be prepared for her groggy confusion and suspicion at your eagerness.

Also, be ready to feel like an ogre --and not the lovable Shrek kind-- for knowing you'll be sticking to your guns on No Dessert the next day, consoling yourself only with the fact that you have to do it to keep the kids off the crack pipe. Or something like that.

I'm not that easily manipulated, Affleck.*

* It's well-known that both Afflecks are firmly in the pocket of Big Toddler and Big Cookie.


Mrs. B. Roth said...

Hi. It's me. Quantity, right? Last night my baby girl woke up several times last night(stupid teeth). At 3:38 am (the third time), I think she just missed me and wanted a little hug. It was nice to be needed.

SO WAIT! YOU FREAKING TAKE AWAY DESSERT if baby girl needs a hug in the middle of the night?! You ... ugh.. really? You don't DESERVE to sleep at night!

Monster. She is just a baby! Hug the poor thing! AND give her double dessert just because she provides such brilliant blog fodder.

I should have made this 4 comments.

LiteralDan said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I may be an ogre, but I'm not THAT big an ogre. The "no dessert" was actually for D-, applies only to lunchtime, and it was a pre-existing punishment.

There wasn't an easy way to put that into a few words, but if I thought it'd come out sounding that awful, I would have made a footnote or something.

I just meant that I'd be tempted to say all was forgiven forever and just huddle on the floor in a group hug, you know?

Alas, I'm too hardcore for that. Those tots aren't going to bully themselves, after all.

LiteralDan said...

Furthermore, while I'm not to the point of punishing her for these nighttime interludes, this has been a nightly thing for several weeks, whether it's waking up crying or not feeling like sleeping and calling out because, "ummmm... ummmm... can you hug... my dog?"

Anonymous said...

It's much harder to seem sweet at 2 a.m. She has a gift.

Brittany said...

This movie scarred me.

I check on my kids bi-hourly now, and never leave windows open or let crack heads babysit them.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Whew! Glad you cleared that up. Because my whole mental picture of you went all skewey and evil music and and "NOOOOooooooo...."

Dessert makes you fat anyway.

LiteralDan said...

Brittany: Doesn't it suck when irresponsible filmmakers shame you into changing your life in otherwise unnecessary ways?

I mean, what self-respecting crackhead wants to be reduced to spending only SUPERVISED time with your kids? They're just as likely to not bother coming over at all as putting up with that.

Mrs. B. Roth: I would be intrigued to see a sketch of your mental image of me.

And was the evil music at least cool, reflecting my change into a badass supervillain appropriately?

Michael from dadcation.com said...

I very well remember watching that film from Sadaam's old theater in Balad, Iraq last year and missing my little girl even more. Good movie, but hard to watch. What was much, much harder to watch, though, was "Fred Claus" from over there--especially the near the end when all the kids are opening presents and look happy.

I just realized this comment doesn't add a damned thing to your post. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

This movie ruined my whole night sleep and all.

Kat said...

Ben Affleck seems like douche. Sorry that's all I got.

Chris M. said...

That son of a bitch Ben Affleck.

Weather Moose

Mrs. B. Roth said...

I .. uh ... hi. Um ... I got one of those chain mail blog awards and I am passing it on to you. I really do love your blog.

Anonymous said...

so, i guess i'm the only one who hasn't seen this movie. oh, well. off to netflix to add it. although, i'm not sure i really should.