12 April 2009

Mano a womano, eggo a eggo

I should have learned after all these years not to enter into any kind of atypical, nonathletic competition with my wife, but I think by this point it's clear that nature just won't allow me to pass up the chance.

Of course, among the most imposing barriers to my abstaining from such competitions is the fact that I often don't know I'm in one until it's over.

Take, for example, our evening of egg-dyeing yesterday. Possibly because she knows me too well, the moment my first egg touched the dye, my wife excused herself from the room with an egg she'd already dyed earlier.

After quite a few curious moments during which I had to explain to both the kids, repeatedly, why they could not drink the delicious-looking colored liquids from the whimsical bunny mugs (D- eventually retreated to just loudly announcing how thirsty he was every two minutes), and only after the kids had used up all 18 of the eggs, J- returned to check on my finished product, which had the surprise* message, "DADDY RULES!" written in wax across its face.

She offered some patronizing encouragement before dropping this bomb on me:
Everybody stick 'em up, and keep 'em up, so things don't have to get runnySure, you're probably thinking, his right hand is upside down, and he's somehow managing to harness magical egg powers to hold a beer stein with his wrist**, but you have to admit, this is pretty much like bringing a gun --and not a quaint foam scrapbooking one-- to a rock-paper-scissors match.

Here's the side-by-side comparison:

This race must be handicapped due to an unfair and possibly illegal advantage not unlike egg steroidsTell me which YOU think is better, keeping in mind that I, myself, am better, and that if you don't pick me, considering all the mitigating factors I've revealed above, I just may epically pout and stop posting my ridiculously overwrought anecdotes here forever.***

(A bonus mitigating factor: in case you've never tried, I assure you it is very difficult to write on an egg with a generic orange crayon not expressly made for that purpose.)

Lastly, please do note that one of the contenders is clearly labeled as the unquestioned master of all, humans and ovums.

* The surprise, of course, was not the message itself, but rather that it happened to appear on that particular egg.

** J- would no doubt whine that it's not her fault the Chinese Scrapbook Sweatshop managers found it irresistibly cheaper to sell twice as many left hands and feet in a package while cutting production of rights altogether.

*** And if all you ladies stab me in the back on this vote out of some kind of twisted "ho's before bro's"**** nonsense, I'll instead resort to posting only about sports and painful jock itch. Or better yet, everything you never wanted to know about me, me, me, like a bad first date, three times a week. You want that on your conscience? Or in your feed reader?

**** I feel honor-bound to point out, for those who were taken aback, that those apostrophes above were included to replace the many missing letters# in the words, not out of disgraceful confusion over possessives versus plurals. Who thinks of impossibly rigid grammatical rules when creating the music of the streets? Not enough people, I think.

# Yes, I'm aware that this then means there should be an apostrophe before "ho's", but it just seemed a bit much. Much like this beast of a footnotes section.


Hubman said...

She cheated by using props. It's obvious that you win!

Happy Easter!

thegirlof510 said...

You should let your kids vote. :-)

unmitigated me said...

I believe the name of my blog entitles me to vote for J-. So there.

J- said...

It wasn't a competition until "Daddy Rules" appeared on one egg and I figured all is fair in love and war.

Mary said...

No comparison. Daddy Rules is a very good egg for a 2 year old. Very good.

Unknown said...

Those Chinese....always taking away people's rights.... *snicker*.

What?? You started it. :P

And your egg? Boring. LOL

Another Suburban Mom said...

I love the creativity of the props. And Hubman, aren't you the one who says "If you ain't cheatin' you ain't trying!"

Leslie said...

I gotta go with you because that other egg's boots don't match and...um ...hello?

Zip n Tizzy said...

Since I'm the only one who actually does any coloring 'round here, I have to go with you, because I know how challenging it can be to get a lazy orange crayon to do anything, much less write on an egg.

Mama Dawg said...

Gotta go w/the female on this one, buddy. Sorry. I know that just dropped me down a rung on the minion ladder, but dude, she RULES!

Christy said...

I am virtually patting you patronizingly on the back and saying "I'm sorry" as I write this. I'll throw in a "nice try!" and a "way to go!" just for the heck of it too...sorry, dude--daddy may rule, but J's egg wins. lol

Goldfish said...

Please don't make me say it out loud.... But if it helps, I'm still planning to reference you in my next post in which I use a footnote. Fair enough?

Rikki said...

Your egg is pretty pathetic (sorry). My vote goes to your wife.

Momo Fali said...

Um...I would say yours, but that other egg is holding a gun to my head.

Heather Dugan ("Footsteps") said...

Psst... Does she read this? I can use code words if necessary. For example: "The whimsical Western egg displays masterful and ingenious use of food coloring with pleasing foam accents." (Wink, wink. When properly decoded that's a double vote for you!)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

It's definitely much harder to write on an oddly shaped egg than to glue a bunch of foam things to it, so...


How to Party with an Infant said...

Jazz hands!

Texasholly said...

Our stupid egg coloring kit was missing the obligatory CLEAR wax crayon too. I tried a white crayon which fared a bit better than the orange one, but not enough better to win me the golden egg contest that I was unknowingly participating in...hmmm, that sounds familiar.

BTW. Footnotes. Genius.

Mrs4444 said...

Well, women do have eggs, so we are much more comfortable working with them. I'm sure you would kick ass on a pickle decorating contest!

Swirl Girl said...

No Western Omelett jokes??

Brittany said...

Official ruling...CHEATER.

You win by default.

I would like to note, I am capable of holding a beer stein with pretty much any part of my body, as long as it's full.

Susan said...

That is HYSTERICAL! God, women are sooooo competitive sometimes, aren't we???

Paz said...

I love how J made a point to show me the pictures of the eggs at the family's Easter gathering.

Sorry Dan!


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