A conversation with D-: Nine is 18 in kid years

The following is a surprising conversation I had with my 9-year-old son D- recently, in which he reminds me that even as he pushes daily toward becoming that legendary beast, a Pre-Teen, he's still in fact in single digits. Thus he's prone to relapses of Toddler Brain, even as his attitude tells him he should be moving on to Teenager Brain already.

D- (coming up to the dinner table, where a portable griddle had been left sitting out): Hey, this thing's in my spot!

Me: Just sit over here like usual.

D-: What?? I always sit here!

Me: "Always"?! You only started sitting there just recently.

D-: No! I always sit here. Since, like... two days ago!

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You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, (6YO daughter) M- conversations, (2YO son) E- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 45

Sorry for the long delay in posting; I'm spinning off my axis out here lately! I do have a bunch of pieces of things to post (along with the usual pile of unwritten Actual Posts, my shame of the last few years...), so I'm backdating this post to May 30th from June 25th, because who knows, I might catch myself up a bit soon.*

Anyway, here's just a very small selection of the quotable material my 2-year-old son E- provides us on a daily basis:

E- (very seriously, and with a straight face, after falling down and being offered kisses from his big brother D-): Can 'oo kiss... my butt?

E- (confused, threatened, and nearly stumped by his 6YO sister M- calmly responding, "No, you're done," to him reflexively parroting something he's heard us say to satisfying effect): ...I'm NOT done.

E- (very frequently, always about 10 times in a row, even when nothing noteworthy has occurred): What just haaaaap-pened?

E- (walking downstairs with D-, sounding as contemplative as someone with only two years of memories can): D-, one time...? I pell down da 'tairs. I tumbled down da 'tairs!

E- (all while I chewed and swallowed one small bite): Tan I have a bar? Tan I have a bar? ...Tan I have a bar?? Tan I have a bar?

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* Don't count on it.

A conversation between E- and J-: Heaven in a handbasket

Now that my 2-year-old son E- is astronomically more verbal than he was just a few months ago, he can actually hold up his end of many straightforward (generally needs/wants-oriented) conversations. Of course, that doesn't mean he always chooses to do so.

Occasionally, he strikingly decides to barrel on in true LiteralDan form, hoping to wear down his opponent by sheer force of will. Exhibit 437 (of Thousands):

E- (to my wife J-, reaching toward his inconveniently hard-to-reach Easter basket): MY back-ket. My back-ket. MY BACK-KET!

J- ((patiently, while making dinner): Yeah, E-, that IS your basket. It's up high because you kept taking candy when you weren't supposed to.

E- (as if she hadn't said anything at all of import): ...My back-ket! My can-nee.

J-: Yes, it is your candy, but that doesn't mean you can eat it whenever you want...

E- (before she even finished her sentence, as if his point was too urgent to wait): Jehwy, beeeeeeans!!

J-: ...

E- (almost exasperated, trying to communicate with a simple foreigner): EAT! Can-nee! Jehwy beans!

Suffice it to say, he continued to be frustrated by everyone's inability to understand that, unlike most children, he quite enjoys eating candy, and would strongly prefer to consume it in place of, as well as alongside, any other foods he's offered. No one said it wasn't lonely being the outlier.

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You may enjoy my previous J- conversations, (2YO son) E- conversations, (9YO son) D- conversations, and (6YO daughter) M- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 44

Here's a selection of recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 6-year-old daughter M-, and my 2-year-old son E-*:

E- (pointing to his stomach, when asked where someone else's food had disappeared to): In!

D- (apropos of nothing, laughing as we walked out of the bank): Remember "Uranus"??

M- (when asked why she was wearing two very different scarves at once, as if it's self-explanatory): Because I have two scarves I can wear...

D- (after I pointed out several hairs on the jelly toast he'd made me while I was sick): Oh, I forgot to tell you..... it fell on the floor.

E- (when told he had to wait for more crackers till we saw how his tummy felt): Don't, WIKE, tum-mee!!

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* Still yet to claim his place on the blog banner! I am terrible.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 15

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. A handy microcosm of my 8-year-old son D-'s personal hygiene and neatness (as well as our relationship in more and more moments of more and more days), can be found in his answering shrug and total lack of action in response to my helpful observation at least a half hour after he'd eaten lunch one day: "Hey buddy, you've got dried chili spatters ALLLL over your face..."

2. Cats are a living reminder that nature truly abhors a vacuum.

3. I saw a news headline recently called "Pictures of celebs who hide their kids in photos"... I think as you write that headline, you should realize you've got a sign you should just delete the article and the pictures with them. Also, possibly change your line of work.

4. I'm guessing the reason that only one out of the dozens of annual e-mails I get from my alumni association was filtered into my spam folder is that it 1) asked very clearly for money for a very specific effort, 2) included a special link to a page for that campaign, and 3) gave me a "personal web code" to enter that included "FAKY" as one of its alphanumeric clusters...*

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* Also, I am a proud alumnus of the University of Nigeria - Fakeymundia campus. That seems to trip people up sometimes.

Classic quotes, Vol. 43

Here are a few more recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, my 2-year-old son E-, and my wife J-:

E- (politely sticking only the tip of his finger in his nose): In!

J- (after pausing mid-sentence for about a full minute while talking to me from another room): Huh? Oh, I was eating ice cream and then I forgot I was talking...

M- (speaking of her newest baby doll, as a girl seemingly primed for monarchy): And this, is GOD's sister! That makes her a "princess".

D- (apparently falling under the spell of a commercial for a Hardee's Thickburger): I can SEE it's a "thick burger", you don't need to tell us!

J- (while driving down the highway, marveling at the car's ability to go under the speed limit for a short while): I'm going SLOWww.  (a Cadillac immediately rolls by on the left) See! Even old people in HATS are passing me!

E- (pulling himself forward in his car seat, after I'd pointed out a truck sculpture we were about to pass on the highway, meaning he had no way of seeing anything noteworthy yet): Whoaaaa, truck!! ...Wow..... windowww!!

Things that amuse me, Vol. 14

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. The Angry Birds folks obviously have very effectively marketed themselves to potential advertisers, based on ads that have popped up when I've played recently, such as "Time Management Problems?" or "Having Trouble Getting Organized?".

2. Santa is not yet my 2-year-old son E-'s favorite Kringle, since he was exposed to the delicious pastry of the same name, and immediately decided to add it to the elite team of words that is his currently limited vocabulary. "King-goh!"

3. It's recently come to my attention that the Fates have decided to challenge me --a man who has been known to create the world's most perfect food by slapping two slices of pizza together like PBJ, and who considers mashed potatoes a viable condiment-- with a sandwich-impaired son. Faster than I can contain messy nutrients in handy shells of bread products, my E- pulls it all apart and consumes most of it separately. Why this? Why now? Why me??

4. When you're stretched out on the couch with a laptop, plugging away at the same old mindless tasks while working from home, and you start floating up toward the ceiling, it's likely that you seamlessly nodded off at some point without noticing the difference. Also, you were probably mock-typing in the air like a puppy chasing invisible rabbits for longer than you think. It's not disappointing in the same way as a cheap twist ending in a stale TV show, but it's arguably much worse in a more meaningful way.

Classic quotes, Vol. 40

Here are a few of the recent quotes (that I remembered to write down) from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, and my 20-month-old son E- (still not yet on the banner!):

M- (seemingly unburdened by Knowing It All, dropping some knowledge on her older brother): Did you know, that cheese is just dried, hard milk? (waving around her wrapped, pre-sliced piece of cheese-like food substance) Just like... floppy milk?

D- (seeing a "No Grills Allowed" sign as we drove through a park entrance to the soccer fields): Whoa! Wait, what?!? This park says, "NO GIRLS ALLOWED"!!

M- (already pushing fashion limits, when I asked if she was there to give us all a Belly Show with the size-4T shirt she had on): If it's only a small belly show, it's okay...

E- (though barely verbal, being under 2, when asked if he wanted "a cookie"): Two!!

M- (sprinkling some color in her daily gossip, trumping up her tattling charges on some kid I don't know): And then she started saying... you know that BAD word, that starts with F??!?*

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* After a bit of internal hubbub on our part, it turned out to be "fart", which is odd since it's not considered a "bad word" in our house, though I may have been known to discourage them from shouting it out at the dinner table.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 13

Though nasty she may frequently be these days, as she adjusts to waking up early for kindergarten, my 5-year-old daughter M- apparently still manages to be amusing enough to dominate the quote lists as well as this, the latest list of Things That Have Been Amusing Me recently:

1. When trying to find the words to describe the chaos that results from trying to simultaneously treat (and bathe!) eight 2-month-old kittens for fleas in the same evening, this is what she came up with: "It's like a KITTEN NURSERY in here! ...Except a kitten nursery run by drunk people who have no idea what they're doing!" It was an inspiring vote of confidence.

2. When trying to clarify what she saw when retelling part of a Tintin cartoon she'd watched, M- asked, "Wait, do 'bombs' have little, like, tails coming out of them?"

3. Kids love to keep you guessing... as I watched my 1-year-old son E- cruising around the school one morning, eating a tiny banana for breakfast and loving the independence, I figured I'd need to be on the lookout for the moment he would be struck with the unoriginal inspiration to rub it all over the disgusting hallway floor before taking another bite.

Instead, he decided to throw me a curveball by waiting till I blinked to subtly pick up some kind of mysteriously blackened bark chip off that floor and then stick it directly INTO the banana, for absolutely no reason at all. It's not as if he could say, "Oh, my mistake-- I thought it was that OTHER kind of thing we commonly shove into our bananas!" Even after 8 years of this, I was just not prepared for that move.

Classic quotes, Vol. 38

Here are a few recent notable quotes from my 8-year-old son D- and my 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (amused by my response to her claim that she and D- will become spies when they grow up): No, we wouldn't have to work hard in school for it, it's all very easy!

D- (with slack-jawed awe, quietly to himself while watching The Avengers at a drive-in, after a giant flying robot-bug ship crashed into a building): Now thaaaaaat's... somethin'...

M- (as if I could have no idea what she's talking about, after she cleared her lunch plate): I'm going to go ask Mom something... (mysteriously) because it's something that can only happen after lunch...

A conversation between M- and J-: It is risen

The following conversation between my 5-year-old daughter M- and my wife J- took place during our multi-state car trip right before Easter, during which my wife indulged in many of her Rhode Island favorites from childhood, including "Easter bread", a very sweet, iced treat:

J- (concerned that the kids have buried and/or crushed the loaf we were taking home, somewhere in the van): Where's the Easter bread?

M- (immediately jumping in, with a "Magical Storytime" voice all cued up): He stays in a nook, faaaaar under the ground...

J- (interrupting, totally confused): What??

Me (realizing the disconnect): No, the Easter BREAD.

M-: OHHHhhhhhhhh!

J- (cutting through the visions of candy and gifts, to the most important matter at hand): So... you don't know where the bread is?

They were definitely very happy to have the Easter Bunny himself leave his beloved nook to visit shortly after this, though he didn't leave us any Easter bread. Just lots of what I could only assume were jelly beans...

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, J- conversations, and (8YO son) D- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 34

Here's a selection of quotes from the past few months, from my 4-year-old daughter M-, my 7-year-old son D-, and my infant son E-:

M- (excitedly, pointing to a Bud Light truck parked near us at the gas station): Daddy, I see the waaater botttttle truuuuuuck!

D- (drawled slyly, while doing his homework, as if idly asking about the weather, or some other not-remotely-related topic): Hey Dad, what's forrrrrrty-three plus thirty-six?

M- (using her Important Announcement voice at the dinner table): This hot dog BUN is too hot! (asked if she's sure) ...No... the thing that's inside it. (asked, "You mean the hot dog??") Yeah, the hot dog.

E- (whenever he deliberately pushes or drops things off his high chair, with the detached tone of an innocent bystander): Uh-oh.

M- (very matter-of-factly, about a song she made up): It's a very long song... I can't sing all the words in ONE day...

Me (after our shared laughter at my wife apparently stopped by quite so funny): No, no, I'm not being mean-- I'm laughing WITH you, as we both laugh at you!

M- (very excited, and distinctly unfazed, regarding the corpse of an unfortunate mouse, victim of our cats): We should save it, and when it turns to bones, I can study them! Because when I grow up, I want to be a vegetarian, and help animals!!

A conversation with M-: And "Eeyore" is in the Top Names list every year

This is a bizarre, but typical, conversation I recently had with my 4-year-old daughter M- as I was preparing lunch for the kids:

M- (after I'd opened the floor for lunch-plate requests): I want the We-need-the-Pooh plate!

Me (since this wasn't the first time I'd noticed this, I figured I'd ask): Why do you keep calling him "We-need-the-Pooh"?

M- (blankly): Because that's his name.

Me: No, it's "Winnie". "Winnie-the-Pooh."

M-: ...... "Winnie" is a strange name.

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (7YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 31

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 7-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

D- (to my mom, after he chose to dump unhealthy amounts of cinnamon on his toast): Your cinnamon is really HOT!

M- (missing the point of a race during Cars 2): Why are they driving so fast??

J- (mindlessly talking aloud to herself, after realizing Father's Day was approaching): Oh, sh*t, that's coming up already...

D- (as my dad tried to point out that he wasn't listening to the requested story he was reading aloud): What??! I can not hear you over the sound of me talking!

M- (shouting at J-, who had quietly advised her to really start sleeping, while she was pretending to sleep): I am, MOM!

J- (suffering through a diet, as M- pulled a pack of Hostess cupcakes off a grocery shelf): Put that down right now! (muttering to herself) Put it down before I buy them...

M- (ending a series of overly dramatic comments about a forklift she was hearing at Costco): Watch out, that fork lifter's going to fork us up!!

Things that amuse me, Vol. 7

Here are some of the happenings and such that have been amusing me lately:

1. Only a baby can sit there crying after punching himself in the face and still reel in the sympathy of the whole room.

2. There's nothing like an earthquake, string of tsunamis, resultant fires, and impending nuclear meltdowns to make a 7-year-old ask me why I don't turn off the music and turn on the news on the way to school.

3. I recently wiped out several dozen flies flirting and sunning themselves on the east side of my house. They died as they lived-- trying to make thousands of babies and irritating the hell out of me.

4. A baby is the kind of person whom you can't trust to not urinate on you during any given 1-minute period of the day.

5. Unlike his do-gooder cousin the Easter Bunny, the equally famous After-Easter Bunny has this week been employing his Magical Rabbit powers of whisking himself around to the baskets of all good little boys and girls of the world to remove just enough candy each time that they'll never notice.

Things printed on bibs to keep parents from abandoning babies

Here's a list of catchy infant bib slogans strategically engineered by the baby apparel industry to help defend against the distinctly anti-social habits of its primary customer base,* the world's cutest self-absorbed douches.

Sometimes (say, around 3:30 in the morning on Day 42), a simple "I Love My Mommy" just doesn't cut it.**

1. Pretty Soon, Everything You Do And Say Will Be Unbelievably Hilarious To Me

2. Daddy's Little Wingman

3. Sometimes I Smile By Accident!

4. Chubby Cheeks! Chubby Cheeks!!

5. One Day, I Will Choose Your Retirement Home

6. Yes, I Really Do Say "Goo" Sometimes

7. I Am Powerless To Resist Your Efforts To Make Me Talk, Gesture, And Dance For Your Own Amusement

8. Daddy's Little Tax Break

9. Don't Forget, You Can Start Lacing My Nighttime Bottles With Rice Cereal As Soon As The Doctor Only Rolls Her Eyes At The Idea Instead Of Threatening To Report You To The Authorities

10. Have You Checked How Tiny My Toes Are, Lately?

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* They also service dolls and extremely tiny adults.

** This list might more accurately be titled, "Things printed on bibs to keep parents from leaving their babies to fend for themselves in the backyard each night from 11pm to 7am".

Things that amuse me, Vol. 6

Given the amount of time that passes between posts, and the relative shallowness of those posts over the past year or more, you'd think I'd have more items for this list, but let's pretend I've spent weeks culling these priceless gems from a much more expansive list of nearly-as-high-quality material:

1.While trying to work my legs through some soreness one day, I tried to remember what over-the-top physical activity I'd engaged in the previous day that would have caused such a hearty ache, and then I remembered the sudden, severe, prolonged, multi-muscle leg cramps that assaulted me while sitting too long at the computer armed only with salty snacks and an empty water glass.*

2. Halloween is the opening "fuck you" from the universe to people really seriously beginning to think again about maybe starting to build mildly more healthy habits during the last quarter of the year.

3. You'd think that time served in pregnancy would enlighten women as to the daily struggles of men with freakishly large pot bellies, who aren't blessed with the comforting knowledge that without any planning or effort on their part, that belly will quickly and easily evacuate itself in under a year. Who ties their shoes, gives up seats, or just smiles warmly as they reach for a second family-sized ice cream sundae "for the baby"?

4. Not unlike heroin on a street corner, bacon and cinnamon roll samples at Costco sell themselves.

5. For good reason, people who know what they're doing when remodeling houses make firm plans and schedules (and order all materials) in advance of beginning the project. Actually, this isn't so much an "Amusing Thing" as a "Deep, Deep Regret and Bit of Hard-Earned Understanding".

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* Technically, cramps exceeding 10 seconds count as physical activity.

A conversation with M-: Your ultimate sacrifice is greatly appreciated

This is a conversation I just had with my 3-year-old daughter M-, who was eagerly awaiting one her favorite lunches-- ham roll-ups.

(For those who want the secret recipe: Take some slices of lunch meat, and roll them up. Serve with whatever other random convenient things you can get a 3-year-old excited about.)

M- (still basking in the affirmation that it would indeed be honey ham): What's this ham made from again? Pigs??

Me: Yep, "ham" means a kind of pig meat.

M- (ridiculously happy, and very sincere): If I see pigs? I'm gonna say, "THANK YOU, pigs!" Because pigs make the MOST delicious food in the WORLD! With their bodies.


To top it off, having recently watched Babe and calmly taken to heart Babe's least-favorite aspect of the movie, she suddenly continued a few moments later, still glowing in anticipation of lunch.

M-: Yeah, that's why they all go on the trucks. ... To go to the factory, where they..... make the ham.

She then proceeded to devour a plateful of them.

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (6YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

What I've learned moving from city to country

It's been six months now since we moved out to the middle of these Illinois cornfields from the near-northwest Chicago suburbs (where I spent most of my life), so I figure now's a good time to look back on what we've learned.

1. People consider the "neighborhood" an amorphous area of about 5 square miles around you, and everyone within that space and even beyond will know everything about you that anyone can find out.

2. All of those people will do anything they can to make your time on this Earth more bearable, at any time of day or night.

3. When Jehovah's Witnesses don't manage to catch you at home, they will hand write a personalized letter to enclose with the pamphlet they mail you instead.

4. Feed corn is nowhere near as delicious as sweet corn, but feed corn is all anyone wants to grow.

5. If Nature loves you, then a scraggly-looking stand of bush-like trees surrounded by tall weeds can turn out to actually be a few mulberry trees grown together... and mulberry pie is easy to make and extremely delicious*... and because of this, the weed-free stand of noble arbors will begin to look more and more beautiful to you every day.

6. I must get some livestock. I just HAVE to! Conveniently, I also find myself really wanting to.

7. The slow pace of life and constant contact with the cycles of Nature can turn you into an 80-year-old surprisingly quickly. Suspenders seem practical, TV seems unnecessary and loud, everything is more satisfying when done yourself, and a bout of shingles is apparently par for the course.**

8. Children can entertain themselves for a surprisingly long time right in your yard. Just with sticks 'n' stuff.***

9. The ability to do whatever you feel like without everybody looking over your shoulder is intoxicating, and I find myself daydreaming about where would be best to launch my fireworks and set up my shooting range (factoring in my future prairie, forest, giant firepit, pond, 9-hole golf course, and gardens).

10. Wearing a shirt feels like suiting up in a tuxedo or a parka, depending on the weather and the fabric. It's definitely one of the worst parts about going in to town.

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* The only troublesome part is removing the little stems from each fingernail-staining berry, though some say you don't really need to.

** I'm pretty sure they'll repossess your house, or at least your land, if you don't develop it within 6 months. I made it just under the wire!

*** Only provided they have no apparent supervision.

Classic quotes, Vol. 25

While you're remembering our fallen troops this Memorial Day, lighten up the mood a bit with some recent quotes from my 3-year-old daughter M- and my 6-year-old son D-:

M- (just standing there, repeating herself over and over): I'm going to clean up after myself, without even a word. I'm gonna clean up the whole house, without even a word!

D- (absolutely incredulous, after my mom congratulated him for telling a grownup about something that happened): ...But I DIDN'T tell a grownup! I told DAD!! *

M- (while waxing poetic about the popsicle she was just given): Visions that are dancing through my head, are POPsicles!

D- (overheard from the playroom, in a very stern, controlled tone): No, I'm NOT playing school with you, I'm playing my own game. Stop trying to make me, or I'll just tell Dad. (unintelligible response) ... No, then you'll have no kids at ALL, because I'M. NOT. PLAYING. And if you try to PUSH me on it, I'll. Tell. Dad.

M- (towing a long string of paper behind her, pulling off a line many guys have vainly tried through history): Wanna pet my snake?? He's really long...

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* I would make this same distinction.