Conan the Ungrateful

One thing you have to adjust to when you become a parent is the complete lack of appreciation for what is essentially your indentured servitude. Whenever you get too down about it, though, just remember how much you enjoyed yourself as a kid living on the other side of the coin.

In case you weren't blessed with such luck, I guess all I can say is Tough Nuts, man. That's just how the ball bounces.

Case in point: Recently, I was taking advantage of naptime by trying to catch up on several weeks' worth of episodes of Conan O'Brien on our DVR, when D- wandered out of his room. He sat next to me on the couch, as transfixed by the TV as he usually is when allowed to watch.

Then, remembering what had occupied at least 5 full minutes of my time before I could physically move across the room to sit down, I took the opportunity to keep him from becoming too spoiled* by pointing out that I had done him a big favor while he was sleeping.

Me: Did you see? I cleaned up all the toys for you.

D- (absentmindedly, without even turning his head from the TV): What toys?

Me: (audible shudder of resigned frustration)


* And to sharpen my future skills as a grandmother.

Oh my god, Dad, what-everrr

Is it just me, or does this provide a blurry little peek into the next decade?

D- slumped over on the couch, lost in a videogame, and M- posing while casually chatting on a cell phone... (shudder)

That's it, we're officially Luddites from now on!

...Except I still get to use my Wii... and my DVR.
And some other stuff.

Okay, just the kids will be Luddites.

10 unanswerable questions

Here are 10 questions whose answers will likely elude us all in this lifetime:

1. Why is it when a toddler spasms awkwardly in the presence of music, it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm told I shouldn't ever dance again?

2. Why are the little rafters over our porch considered the coolest place in town for birds to hang out (based on the number of white spots, to put it delicately, that accrue right outside our door each day), when there are millions of alternatives just within a block or so? I can't help but feel personally targeted.

3. Why does my daughter wake up before 8:00 in the morning just to whine and fall apart before nap time about an hour later? I know I'd whine a lot less right back at her if I could get that extra hour of sleep.

4. Why did my landlord build an office in the basement (which does flood a bit, occasionally) and then later decide to rent it out as an apartment to a lady who has something weird about her that I can't put my finger on? It's like having a troll secretly living under the building, a troll who doesn't have a mailbox or any other standard amenities.

5. Why does my daughter insist on doing everything by herself, her own way, except simple little things that she's actually capable of doing herself? And why does she always want us to do and undo each of those things over and over and over again for 15 minutes straight?

6. Why is it I spend my whole day exhausted and praying for bed, but when bed time comes, I'm wide awake and only thinking of all the things I now have the freedom to do? For example, last night J- went to bed at 8:30 (extra tired and having to get up at 5am as usual), while I stayed up till 11 watching the Daily Show/Colbert Report and Conan (both in double-speed on the DVR), and then playing Tanks and Shooting Gallery on Wii Play.

7. Why does my son feel compelled to ask me questions to which he knows the answer and then get indignant when I give him joke answers instead?

8. Why is it that when kids' tummies stick out a little, it's cute, but when mine sticks out a little, I need to lay off the pizza?

9. Why is a clean, fresh diaper the only diaper into which it's acceptable to vacate one's bowels? And furthermore, once one has done that, why does one insist on acting oblivious to this fact while hanging around me like iron filings on an electromagnet?

10. Why did I feel an inexorable pull to round this list out to ten items? I know there are many, many more questions I could add, but I also knew how hard it would be to think of enough of them in time to publish this and get off the computer before noon. The answer has something to do with obsessions and compulsions, but as to why they are my slave masters, the world may never know.

Developments at our house, Vol. 2

Some more developments at our house in the past day or so:

1. D- declared while standing in our shower yesterday that "it smells like Hot Pepsi." I have no idea what this means, and when pressed, it became clear that he didn't either.

2. M- has developed a need... a need for speed. She got her first taste yesterday of D-'s old Power Wheels Lil' Quad ATV, and she was very disappointed to have worn the battery out. To quote her as she stood up on the running boards in her knee-high leather boots (another story), fruitlessly mashing the red ignition button, "Go, go, go!!!"

3. D- has decided that he thoroughly enjoyed my explanation of how even big kids sometimes make bad decisions (we live right near a junior high school...), because their brains are growing a lot in a short time, just like little kids' brains. His new favorite word to say over and over is "teenagers". I foresee saying that one a lot myself, with a much different tone, in about 10 years.

4. J- has been staying at my parents' house during my sister's Spring Break, as they try to finish the planning and preparation for the wedding shower they are throwing my brother's fiancee tomorrow. We've decided life is much less fun without Mooooommmmma around.

(We aren't all staying over since the shower will be at my parents' house, and they said something about kids and their messes being counterproductive to cleaning...)

5. The TV made a liar out of me after I told D- that there wasn't enough snow yet to go sledding today (which is true). After watching Lilo and Stitch (awesome movie, by the way), the DVR went back to the news just long enough for D- to see a kid "making the best out of this unwelcome return to winter" by sledding down over the vaguely white grass. We just sat and watched in silence, probably with the same unfortunate expression on our faces.

I knew there was a reason I get all my news from the Internet.

Note: Here are the other volumes.

Oprah starts 'em young

Apparently Oprah really does have some kind of magical pull. When D- and I left to go shovel some snow the other day, M- was inconsolable for poor J-, screaming non-stop and practically clawing at the front door.

Eventually, J- gave up and turned on Oprah (good old DVR). M- immediately stopped crying and paid rapt attention. As soon as Oprah was off-camera, she started up again. This cycle went on for the entire show, without a clear explanation. Even M-'s little baby doll (seen above watching by herself after M- wandered away), perched on her lap, could not reassure her that Oprah would be back each time soon after she went away. (Given that she's been on every cover of O magazine for 7 years now, I don't think Oprah would take well to being off camera for more than 5 seconds at a time.)

Anyway, once Oprah was over, J- was on her own to make dinner with bleeding ears, as they both eagerly awaited our return. Once M- saw us on the porch, she lit right up like 10 Oprahs just said "Peekaboo! You've won a year's supply of tummy-ticklins!"

So I guess that means for all intents and purposes, I'm as good as or better than Oprah.

Power and influence now, please!