21 October 2008


I now bring you a bulletin from a front-line soldier in the Bee Theater of the War Against Nature.

When my wife J- was walking through a park to eat lunch on a field trip last week, she found herself silently stalked by some of these honeymaking heathens. Whether any of them were going incognito in fly costumes is unclear, and completely unsubstantiated, but I just wanted to throw that frightening possibility out there.*

Her first notice of these hulking cretins might have very well been a few dozen stingers in the back, but for the selfless alarm of a student known for making Calvin Coolidge sound like the town crier.

A chill must have ran down her spine as she heard, "The bees... the bees! Mrs. Copperbottom**, the bees!"

This girl then bravely laughed as J- flailed about in desperation, confused as to why these bees were unrelentingly targeting her no matter what she did or where she ran to.

You and I don't need to wonder why poor J- was being roughed up (and not for the first time) by these hired goons, but at that moment, fighting for her itchy-bump-free life, my hard-hitting blog exposés were the furthest thing from her mind.

Having tried everything she could think of, she finally tossed away the tote bag holding her precious, well-deserved lunch, and thankfully that was enough to satisfy these opportunistic idiots.

Wouldn't their precious Queen be pleased to know they were so easily thrown off their quest?

After consulting with an expert, my theories were confirmed that there's no way my new arch-nemesis would plan this hit merely to separate my wife from her lunch.*** This was incompetence in the execution of a much more malacious plot that, despite my gratefulness for regaining my wife relatively intact, I know will be rightfully punished as severely as a grotesque, miniscule insect with no arms can manage. I've got to at least respect Her Majesty's dedication and strict adherence to her fiendish ideals.

But regardless of the intent of this assault, I received the message loud and clear. And listen up, "lady"-- you've got a problem with me and my soon-to-be-Pulitzer-Prize-winning investigative journalism, you come to ME, or preferably someone only tangentially involved who I don't care much about. You don't threaten my family.

It's on now. And this time, we won't waste any verses duping ourselves into believing our Mommys would be proud of anything but a bee-colored smear on our palms.^

* Associated Press, are you reading?? I think we'd be a good fit.

** Was this name changed for privacy? You decide.

*** Unconfirmed reports suggest these may have actually been neutral bees attracted to the large quantities of dried banana bread batter my wife forgot she had dripped all over the side of her tote bag the previous weekend.

^ Because I have various issues making this specific act undesirable to me, I'm much more likely to be bringing home those bee-colored smears on pieces of mail, other people's belongings, or my shoes.


unmitigated me said...

Dear Mr. Copperbottom,

Have you considered a new hobby? Just askin.

LiteralDan said...

Sorry this wasn't posted earlier, but my Internet mysteriously went out last night/this morning.

I don't think we need to wonder who's responsible.

(Was that a beeswatter I just heard being cocked?)

LiteralDan said...

MAW, I could ask you the same-- don't you have young minds to be enlightening right now?

Swirl Girl said...

maybe it was the nectar and honey perfume you got her for mother's day.

If it were me - I woulda thrown a kid into the fray. Them bees like them sweet and small ya know.

Aracely said...

I don't think you guys have anything to be afraid of, what with the copper bottom and all.

Speaking of Pulitzer prize I recently won one for photography. True story.


miko564 said...

This is what's wrong with Bees today!

In the old days, when the Bees first "hived" there were rules.

1) Don't sting the Beekeeper. It brings too much "heat" on the hive.

2) Families are never targeted. It just isn't honorable.

3) Sting yourself and die before speaking of the "hive" to anyone.

4) The "hive" comes first. Always.

These young bees have no respect for the old ways. They are out of control, nobody is off-limits. Punks.

Leslie said...

You slay me. And I'm glad you don't sting.

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

Stubborn those bees

KatBouska said...

This has HAPPENED to me!! Only it was just one bee...and instead of a field trip I was on a riding lawn mower...and instead of banana batter there was Bubble Yum.

But basically the same thing. My heart is beating faster just thinking about it.

My condolences to your wife...but way to snazz it up and make good blog fodder of it.

There are no bad experiences anymore. Just good experiences and even better blog material. Way to go wifey!!

unmitigated me said...

Oh, today was just one of four schooldays devoted to the wonders of standardized testing. Most of the day was spent supervising.

Katie said...

Seriously, the ESP is started to freak me out. I just finished writing my post for tommorow and it contains, wait for it.... Bees.

Allison said...

Just have her wear a bee suit everyday to class.

Meg said...

I really think bees are overrated. I guess they do give preschoolers an easy word that starts with the second letter of the alphabet, but I'll say one word-Splenda.

Kat said...

I have noticed an abnormal amount of bees lurking around my neighborhood this fall. I wonder if it has something to do with the wild swings in temperatures we are getting this year.

Momo Fali said...

Banana bread batter?! She's lucky she escaped with her life!

Anonymous said...

Ooooh! I just watched a thing on bees on Manswers*, and they said to run so many hards away, that the bees won't go more than a certain distance from their hive. I have no idea how many "so many" or "a certain distance" is - I wasn't paying attention.

*Please don't ask why I was watching Manswers.

Anonymous said...

Literaldan Copperbottom is an awfully long name to be putting on a plaque or something...wait, do you even get a plaque when you win the Pulitzer?

Irrational Dad said...

This is how gangwars always start. I hope you know what you are getting yourself, your family, and your loved ones into.

Andrea said...

I am making some phone calls. Right now. I know some bees in high places. Will that help???

I wold also consider a name change.