05 June 2009

Arsonist Bridezilla drags victims from burning safehouse

This post is dedicated to Allison Ross, who'll no longer be A-Ross by August, but something else hopefully just as catchy instead. Let's see if she can top this feat on her big day...

I just thought I'd share with you this little story of yet another Bridezilla going way over the top in her effort to upstage all her peers:

Bride rescues family from house fire

If TV has taught you anything, and God knows it's taught me plenty, it should be plain as day that those people had just run into the burning building to escape the bride's wrath, probably after they coughed during the vows or threw the rice a little too hard.

So there she went dragging them back out to face the music. Mostly a percussion piece, I'd guess, right before the fire department showed up.

But once everyone else arrived on the scene, of course, the neo-hippie liberal media spun themselves a sappy tale of a heroic, selfless bride risking her life and sacrificing her dress on that one day that marks the absolute pinnacle of every woman's life.*

As for the dress, though, there are few pieces of clothing better suited to this kind of ruination-- if all goes to plan, you were never going to wear it again anyway.

And if you're upset that you spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on it, well, you already made a horrible decision and wasted most of that money, and saving it from some ash isn't going to get it back for you.

What difference does it make whether the dress slowly turns yellow in a closet or it turns jet black immediately after the ceremony? I'll tell you what the difference is: an awesome story.

Plus, you save money on buying a fancy black dress for your husband's funeral! Highly recommended for the cost-conscious golddigger cruising the old-folks' home.

And with that, I declare Wedding Season 2009 officially Open!

* Without exception.**

** Especially you, J-.


Mary said...

The source article deserved a picture. I want to see the bride and see the dress.

Allison said...


If anyone tries to get away by swimming in the ocean, I will rip off my dress and rescue, er, drag them back to the ceremony.

Swirl Girl said...

I am awestruck by this story. Not so much that the bride made the rescue thus endangering herself and her wedding gown ...but that she drove herself (alone?) from her own wedding.

no horse drawn carriage?? no limo?? where's the groom??

Trooper Thorn said...

Soon wedding dresses will become more functional for emergency services work. Fire retardant, form fitting and with the reflective strips for night time rescues.

And a utility belt. You have to have a utility belt.

MakingChanges said...

Some people will do anything for their 15 minutes of fame...

Irrational Dad said...

Jerk! I read the original story a few days ago.... then I see your blog title today and I'm all like "HOLY CRAP!!! SHE SET THE FIRE?!?!?!"

mylittlebecky said...

what. a. bitch. :)

very funny post

The Microblogologist said...

Does this mean you won't come to my hypothetical wedding unless I promise to not rescue you from a burning building?