09 November 2009

Kids are nature's way of overwhelming your gag reflex

For those of you who don't have children, or those who just haven't found out quite yet, somehow, I have a very special bulletin for you.

Children are, as a species, probably the most disgusting beings on Earth, with the tie-breaking edge being handed to them over the dung beetle only because their cute, innocent looks and demeanors really blindside you with the scandalous truth.

I mean, you don't know how many times you'll have to ask them, whether an infant or a first-grader, to stop graphically tonguing the handle of a shopping cart, especially if it's got crevices (thanks Target).

A typical run-in with a child might involve you asking what the strange, unpleasant odor is, and receiving an answer to the effect of, "Ummm, my butt was itchy so I put my hand in it to scratch it, and yes, I then handled my sandwich (and/or yours) and chips, which I retrieved myself from the bag. ... Yes, I will remove the hand from my mouth."

And, let me tell you, this information will be delivered sheepishly only if your questions or tone suggest there's something wrong with the situation.

Before you think, "Oh, ha-ha, I get it-- this one event happened to Dan and now he's making a post generalizing the idea as a method of telling us about it," let me assure you, this particular sequence did NOT happen to me as described above, it's actually portions of multiple (and redundant) incidents combined for expediency's sake.

And the basic idea behind it is just the first one that sprung to mind! Yes, that's right, there are many, many more. But you don't need to hear all those. You should just take my word for it, there's a reason you don't get sick more often than you do now-- you were a child once, and you were disgusting.


Irrational Dad said...

We're trying out this potty training thing... mid-poop, the wife rushes Tyler to the potty, effectively smearing poo on the seat of the potty. Tyler looked down, made the sound he uses for "yuck" (it's sorta like a throaty gurgle sound. Very cute. Somewhat annoying). We say "yeah, yucky poop." He responds by PUTTING HIS HAND ON IT!

Disgusting little monster.

Anonymous said...

I want to add pooping in the bathtub to the list.

unmitigated me said...

My 20 year old daughter is constantly gagging about jobs I need to do around the house. Bathroom drains, specifically. "How can you touch that?" Oh, honey, there has been much worse. MUCH worse, and it involved your person.

Midwest Mom said...

Suddenly, my son's preoccupation with handling his own boogers doesn't seem like the worst thing that could happen.

Come to think of it, his cousin's bout of pinworm (wikipedia it, my friend) was far, far worse.

Sorry to pollute your mind with that little gem. You'll thank me after you read about them. Trust me.

- Julia

Swirl Girl said...

Every kid should come with a built in wipes dispenser in the forearm. Right?

Ali said...

Re: strange and unpleasant odors--I don't even ask anymore. I don't want to know!

Trooper Thorn said...

And yet these kids who will put turds, pennies and leaves into their mouths as toddlers will refuse to eat any food with gravy or sauce on it when they are 6.

Dawn said...

Pooping in the bathtub IS the worst!...Until you have to deal with pinworm.
Yeah...they are NASTY little boogers, aren't they?

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Poop goatee.

Christy said...

You should NEVER host a dinner party...you know that, right? Lol