27 May 2009

Developments at our house, Vol. 15

Here are some of the latest developments around here:

1. Since my wife rented Season 1 of Big Love from the library recently, I just have to say here that it should come with some kind of warning label along the lines of the following:

If you have no specific desire to see Bill Paxton's taint, do NOT watch this show. Or, alternatively, choose a trusted friend or family member for Taintwatch duty, provided they have gone through the requisite advance research viewings.

2. I found out that the one time having anatomically correct toy horses (thanks, Schleich!) transcends its usual low-level creepiness is when my 2-year-old daughter M- persistently questions my account of which one is the Daddy horse.

This is probably the only kind of proof that she'd agree is irrefutable, what with her recent promotion in the Penis/No-Penis police force (PNPPD).

3. Speaking of penises, if the Sender Name field of half the e-mails in my spam folder are to be believed, I send myself an awful lot of messages about "male personal enhancement" that I then completely forget having sent.

I'll need to make sure I let Google know to pass each one of these missives straight into my inbox in the future. What's wrong with those eggheads?? This is ME we're talking about! Surely I am above suspicion and can be allowed through my own security detail, right?

4. My daughter has revealed herself as a scientific genius who just might make this family millions of dollars someday... she's invented the world's first Color Magna Doodle!

How much would your kids pay for that, right? Out of pity, and because we're such close friends, I'll share a little hint at the secret formula with you. I'm sure you understand that the exact ratios and procedure have to remain a trade secret at least for the time being, but I can tell you that you will need:

• a Magna Doodle, and
• a bunch of crayons.*

* If pressed, you may substitute permanent markers for crayons in this recipe, but it just won't be quite like Momma used to make.


Chris M. said...

You know, I felt that when I woke up, I was going to go all day without hearing or reading the word "taint."


LiteralDan bringing the pain.

You also need to get to the patent office pronto with the color magna doodle.

Weather Moose
PS - Did you get my email from the other account? If not, I will blow something up. Because it was witty (not) and funny (not) and now it's not (not) showing up in my sent folder.

Mama Dawg said...

Yeah, keep her away from the Sharpies. Not telling how I know that, but just do it.

Mary said...

don't watch big love just because the topic infuriates me.

Christy said...

Yes, keep the Sharpies far far away from her...do you have the washable crayons? Although I'm guessing they don't wash off a Magna Doodle very well...

Ali said...

My kids would gladly pay $19.95 plus shipping and handling. But it better be more fun than pixos. THAT fun lasted about a day.

Midwest Mom said...

I must say, I had no idea what 'taint' even meant until this post.

I'm such an innocent, I know.

With that said, I wonder if you're daughter will be inventing the color magna-doodle mirror or wallpaper anytime soon? Color magna-doodle computer screen?

Feel free to share my ideas with her. They are free of charge.

- Julia

Goldfish said...

I do not even know where to start with this post. Penis? Magna Doodle? Taint? Police? The possibilities are endless. Must now go see why my preschooler is requesting crayons and a stapler, however.

Mary said...

I thought Lorena Bobbit was chief of the penis/no penis police force.PNPPF

MakingChanges said...

I think you are having some crazy fun at your house. Can I send my little ones over and M can discuss the penis/no penis thing? I am just not too interested in that part of conversing with the midgets.

PS- love the word taint. Had to giggle at that. Don't think I've read a post with that in it...ever.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

My only experience with that "Big Love" show is a parody that SNL did of it recently. The premise doesn't even mildly interest me. Now, point me to a Gilmore Girls marathon and we can talk.

Kevin McKeever said...

The taint is almost as bad as his moobs. Bill -- hit the weights!

Father Knows (Travis) Best said...

Yeah, but what's the formula for "Color Etch-a-Sketch?" You've still got some work to do.

A Free Man said...

I have the same problem about sending myself enhancement e-mails. I must be getting old and forgetful and, apparently, smaller.