Classic quotes, Vol. 47

Here's a a slice of the backlog of quotes from my 6-year-old daughter M-, 2-year-old son E-, and wife J- during the past month or so:

M- (shouting louder than E-, who was quietly playing a game while J- and I were in bed): No, that's too loud!!

J- (while pregnant, doubling down on a self-deprecating remark I'd batted away): It's kind of like I'm fat... I'm fat with baby.

E- (really working hard to sell a biological impossibility): My 'gina hurts!

M- (using Important Proclamation voice): I don't think I told you, Mom... but I named my pillows. ...Cushy, and Cushion.

J- (looking at a beach picture online): You know, I know European people are all proud of their bodies and everything, but... some people need a little more shame in their lives.

E- (when asked 'what he'll want to eat for lunch later'): No!

Classic quotes, Vol. 45

Sorry for the long delay in posting; I'm spinning off my axis out here lately! I do have a bunch of pieces of things to post (along with the usual pile of unwritten Actual Posts, my shame of the last few years...), so I'm backdating this post to May 30th from June 25th, because who knows, I might catch myself up a bit soon.*

Anyway, here's just a very small selection of the quotable material my 2-year-old son E- provides us on a daily basis:

E- (very seriously, and with a straight face, after falling down and being offered kisses from his big brother D-): Can 'oo kiss... my butt?

E- (confused, threatened, and nearly stumped by his 6YO sister M- calmly responding, "No, you're done," to him reflexively parroting something he's heard us say to satisfying effect): ...I'm NOT done.

E- (very frequently, always about 10 times in a row, even when nothing noteworthy has occurred): What just haaaaap-pened?

E- (walking downstairs with D-, sounding as contemplative as someone with only two years of memories can): D-, one time...? I pell down da 'tairs. I tumbled down da 'tairs!

E- (all while I chewed and swallowed one small bite): Tan I have a bar? Tan I have a bar? ...Tan I have a bar?? Tan I have a bar?

---

* Don't count on it.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 16

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. It may cement my status as a Nerd* that it bothers me a little when I see an object called a "cube" (meant to turn a cubby into a drawer) that measures 10.5"x10.5"x11".

2. Funny pictures of things on the Internet.**

3. Great news on the "Evolution of a Plastic-Consuming-Organism" front... our cat seems to have really developed a taste for Legos.

4. It might take nine or so years as a parent to realize this, but children are secretly Very Small People, with wants, needs, flaws, and habits much like the rest of us. Also, they often get less small over time.

---

* Or is it just everything else about me that accomplished that already?

** This one's not so much "recently" as "continuously". Sure beats whatever I'm supposed to be doing at any given moment.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 14

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. The Angry Birds folks obviously have very effectively marketed themselves to potential advertisers, based on ads that have popped up when I've played recently, such as "Time Management Problems?" or "Having Trouble Getting Organized?".

2. Santa is not yet my 2-year-old son E-'s favorite Kringle, since he was exposed to the delicious pastry of the same name, and immediately decided to add it to the elite team of words that is his currently limited vocabulary. "King-goh!"

3. It's recently come to my attention that the Fates have decided to challenge me --a man who has been known to create the world's most perfect food by slapping two slices of pizza together like PBJ, and who considers mashed potatoes a viable condiment-- with a sandwich-impaired son. Faster than I can contain messy nutrients in handy shells of bread products, my E- pulls it all apart and consumes most of it separately. Why this? Why now? Why me??

4. When you're stretched out on the couch with a laptop, plugging away at the same old mindless tasks while working from home, and you start floating up toward the ceiling, it's likely that you seamlessly nodded off at some point without noticing the difference. Also, you were probably mock-typing in the air like a puppy chasing invisible rabbits for longer than you think. It's not disappointing in the same way as a cheap twist ending in a stale TV show, but it's arguably much worse in a more meaningful way.

Super fun vacation time for old ladies

Well, after a few years of working from home while watching the kids (easier with all-day school, for sure!), and thus splitting responsibilities a lot more with my wife J- than I had been, I'm now ankle-deep in a taste of juggling everything by myself again for a week and a half: J- is taking a vacation with my sister and her friend to hang around a beach house and reflect on turning 30 and 25, respectively.

I shouldn't complain, since I took a similar trip with my brother last year* when I turned 30, but who would I be if I didn't? I mean, you may not realize it, given my laughably outdated banner up there, but I'm dealing with an 8-year-old, a 5-year-old, a 19-month-old, a basement full of fleas, and a garage full of 9 cats**, whereas J- only had to deal with a 7-year-old, a 4-year-old, a 7-month-old, a kitchen being drywalled, and a very welcome mother cat and three kittens*** who'd recently shown up on our doorstep out here in Cat Country.

So, clearly, the difference is night and day.

J- dealt with the stress last year by buying them off with a promise to have candy for dinner, and then following through in legendary form.

Problem for me is, not only do they now have their bars set somewhere just above, "There is such a thing as candy for dinner", but they've already spent most of this summer being spoiled by one set of grandparents or another, to the point that the older two wouldn't bat an eyelash at being handed the keys to their own set of his-and-hers hovercrafts.

So what am I supposed to do?

All I've come up with so far is to go totally the other way and just put them to work as much as possible, to make them really appreciate heading back to school soon, as a break in their strict schedule of Cleaning Up After Myself, plus Other Light Chores****. It seems to be working pretty well, knock on wood... for me, at least.

I think they'll be happy to see Momma walk through the door.

---

* Of course I didn't take the opportunity to get back into writing real blog posts at the time, because that would make too much sense.

** Now that we found a home for one of the 8 kittens born in two litters within two days back in May...

*** The surviving kitten of which just had her first litter (of 5) in our garage at almost exactly 1 year old.

**** The latter of which generally gets bumped off the schedule, due to the first show running long...

A conversation with M-: Count me out

After more than eight years of parenting, my wife J- and I consider ourselves pretty skilled at manipulating each of our three kids like puppets, using whatever tools fit each kid at a given moment.

Sometimes, though, they show flashes of the similarly wonderful parents they may become themselves, someday:

J- (wanting a favor from our 5-year-old daughter M-, spinning it with a reliable phrase): So M-, can I count on you?

M- (not in the mood to help, and looking for a loophole): Ummmm... well, no, not today. (walking out of the room) I don't want anyone counting on me today.

---

You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, J- conversations, and (8YO son) D- conversations.

A conversation between M- and D-: Bill Cosby, eat your heart out

My 8-year-old son D- and 5-year-old daughter M- are apparently taking some interesting lessons to heart about the fundamentals of good parenting, as evidenced by their recent conversation in the back of our parked van, regarding their 1-year-old brother E-:

D- (possibly sarcastic, after M- had been speaking through rage-clenched teeth at E-): Boy, you'd make a real good parent, always grabbing and pulling on his (inaudible)...

Me (thinking she had been grabbing his face): Pulling his what?!

D- (quickly polishing an explanation, likely due to a favor he owed his sister): I said, she'd make a real good parent, because she always gets real serious with him. And he listens to her...

M- (eagerly): Yeah!

D- (aside): Oh, by the way, your pants are on backwards.

---

You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

A conversation with M-: I am a skilled negotiator.

My 5-year-old daughter M- is still working out the kinks in her understanding of numbers, as evidenced by our recent conversation below:

M- (putting on her most comically dignified voice as she approaches me, clutching a bundle of imaginary balloons): I would like to buy these... 8 balloons, please.

Me (like a bored street vendor who knows he's got you right where he wants you, but doesn't much care anymore): That'll be four hundred dollars, please.

M- (still with the voice): I don't have that much money.

Me: Then you don't have any balloons, either.

M- (sliding toward her normal voice, as she tries valiantly to keep this one from getting away from her): How about this, how about we bargain: I will bring the number down to: six... million dollars.

Me (slipping out of character in disbelief): Six million dollars? DOWN to $6 million?!?

M- (regaining her Monopoly-guy voice in full glory): Or wait... How about... I pay you what you asked for. Here you go! (sprays fake money at me and runs)

So in the end, she acted pretty much like me in every negotiation I've ever been forced into.

---

You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (8YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Product review: Waxelene

Sincerity Alert: The following is an ever-rare, completely sincere post, inspired by my very positive experience with a new product I was lucky enough to sample for free (my only compensation).

I've been offered at least a thousand products for review in the last few years, most of them either not something I'd ever be interested in, or not something YOU'D ever be interested in.

But, thankfully for me, I dutifully open and read at least the first line of each offer, and because of this, I discovered a product called Waxelene, which does everything petroleum jelly does without being made from oil.

It was always kind of a mystery to me how products like Vaseline went from black sludge in the ground to that familiar colorless, odorless, impenetrable paste, despite my repeated review of the Wikipedia article on the subject.

But its origins seem clear whenever I get the stuff somewhere I don't want it, not the least of which is the tips of my fingers. I guess I'm funny like that, but I just can't stand that feeling of having sticky or greasy stuff on my fingers that I can't get off.

After using it for several months, and sharing it with my family and my wife's co-workers, it seems that Waxelene solves that problem. While it effectively seals your skin as you'd expect, it does so without feeling oily, so I don't have to get creative in trying to apply it without losing the ability to touch anything for an hour or two. On top of all the performance benefits, it's made from (among other things) beeswax*, so it smells a bit like honey when first applied.

I've heard it's also good for removing makeup, but obviously I have no idea on that score, and since my wife isn't big on most makeup, I haven't seen it in action there yet. Another important area where Waxelene definitely gets bonus points from me is that it's an all-natural and organic product, which even comes in a glass jar with a metal lid, instead of plastic.

Overall, my review would be 5 out of 5 stars-- I love it, my wife loves it, my kids love it,** and I haven't heard any complaints or criticism from anyone else so far, several months along.

Just like Vaseline, a jar of this stuff goes a long way,*** but with all the uses we've found for the samples I was sent, I'm sure we'll be looking for it in stores a lot sooner than I would have thought. It's currently available at Whole Foods, along with many other non-chain stores, as well as through the Waxelene Web site.


Editor's Note: If you've read this far, dutifully waiting for a joke, I hate to disappoint you. If you'd like, you can always pass the time re-reading my less sincere Book Reviews that seem so popular to Google searchers.

---

* Don't worry, it isn't any of yours.

 ** They really do-- they now ask for it by name, most of all when they're lying in bed trying to think of a reason not to lay still and go to sleep, and they suddenly realize they have dry skin somewhere that needs urgent attention.

*** Our current Vaseline was bought during my college class in Ireland, spring 2003...

Internet blackout

By way of issuing the latest "Happy New Year" on record, I'm gonna opportunistically hop on a rolling train that I will simultaneously claim to have pushed out of the station myself.

That's right-- I am the sole pioneer of the Internet Blackout of Wednesday, January 18. I'm so far ahead of everyone else on this, I've already been holding strong for 17 days!

So go ahead, all you late-coming, fair-weather bandwagoners-- I've been keeping the seats nice and warm for you*, grab whichever one you like! ...Except for that one, that one's for my feet.

Here's to registering our support for defeating all freedom-destroying laws (SOPA) and decisions (Citizens United)!

---

* Don't ask how.

A conversation with M-: Away in a manger full of presents

Here's a revealing conversation I had with my 4-year-old daughter M-, when I absentmindedly vented my brain of the potentially hazardous buildup of Christmas songs stuck in it:

Me: "I don't want a lot for Christmas / ..."

M- (interrupting with an important point, while gesturing slightly to herself): I do.

Me: Oh you do, do you??

M-: Yes. Do YOU want a lot for Christmas?

Me (really overselling my angelic virtue): No. I just want everybody to be happy.

M- (brow furrowed in earnest reflection): ... Well, I want a lot for Christmas.

---

You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (7YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Potential book titles, Vol. 3

Here are a few more titles of fiction and nonfiction books I might write, if I ever manage to finish something* that takes more than 10 minutes at a time:

Leftover Birthday Cake: Why Parents Have Been Having Children Since Ancient Times

Why Would I Even Have To Forewarn You To Not Put That In Your Mouth??

Enter Title Here: Sometimes I Put Things Off A Bit Too Long

Put That Down: When I Said I Wouldn't Tell You Again, I Meant After This Time

I'm Starting To Understand Why People Demolish And Rebuild, Waste Be Damned: A Home Remodeling Story

---

* Such as writing a decent blog post of substance.

Classic quotes, Vol. 30

Here's a selection of some recent quotes from my 4-year-old daughter M- and 7-year-old son D-:

D- (after milking a legitimate cough a bit much): I AM sick-- I've always had a cough like this. ... YES, always... well, since last evening.

M- (rooting around behind her in her car seat as we drove): I've got a BUNCH of toys and stuff in my seat crack! I've got crayons, and Cheerios...a penny. I've got a PENNY in my SEAT CRACK!

D- (running, eagerly, after it was pointed out that Momma's crude humor was technically appropriate given her location*): Then I'm gonna go to the bathroom to say a bunch more BUTT things!

M- (finding a new way to protest, a few days after an explanation of Intellectual Property law): No, D-!! That's MY trademarrrrrrrrrk!

D- (unaware of the sad, overwhelming facts about himself these days, after reflecting on all the "bad kids" in his yearbook): Wow, MY teacher is lucky! Every OTHER teacher has a BAD kid in her class who has to go to the OFFICE like every day!

---

* For the record, no, she was in the bathroom washing dishes**, NOT using the toilet.***

** Until our kitchen is reassembled (but it's only been 8 months!!), that's where we're forced to wash them. We couldn't be happier about this...

*** She NEVER does that.

One-item lists, Vol. 3

Most inconvenient things about my wife getting a Caesarean section
1. I wasn't allowed to make her laugh for several weeks. I really have no idea how else to interact with her.

Reasons I don't want my wife using my side of the bed as a storage area when I'm not there
1. Because I get to find in it lovely treasures like, say, the shriveled stump of an infant's umbilical cord lying next to the used tissue in which it was allegedly once loosely contained.*

The kinds of ways I count my blessings
1. The snow didn't blow around and drift waist-high like usual during a recent windstorm here... thanks to the preceding hours of heavy rain freezing everything solid.

Proof that "ladylike" tendencies don't kick in until after age 6
1. (Female classmate of my son's, apropos of nothing in the hallway one morning during a schoolwide Norovirus epidemic): Destiny, I wasn't in school yesterday! ...Yeah, I pooped in the car, so...

How I can tell my daughter may be the ultimate Anti-Vegetarian
1. Nothing has changed since I posted this. My 4-year-old daughter M- recently smiled between mouthfuls of ham roll-ups and said, "Since I watched Babe today, I was in the mood for ham! ...Because pigs make ham."

---

* And let me tell you, the only thing more shocking than finding such an item is realizing that you were able to identify it, completely out of context, in under 10 seconds.

Things my wife hates

The following is just a small sampling, put into list form, of the things my wife hates, as plucked from a recent conversation while pregnant AND sick with a stomach flu.

1. Stupid children acting like stupider children.*

2. Feeling sick just thinking about food.

3. Feeling hungry all the time anyway.

4. Stupid teachers acting like the stupidest children.

5. Pooping at work.

---

* Ranting about our tender, young, innocent children? No, not this time. She teaches junior high in a special ed school for kids with behavioral problems. The kids who get kicked out of literally everywhere else they could go, end up on her doorstep.**

** A barbed doorstep made 18" thick of solid, pure, American-made Tough Love.

Classic quotes, Vol. 27

Here are some recent quotes from my 3-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, and wife J-:

D- (to me, around 1pm one day, with an awfully judgmental tone for a kid who stayed in his jammies till 5pm just two days earlier): How come it's like... 3 o'clock in the morning and you're still not dressed?

J- (solving the age-old problem of no one wanting to hear about your dreams): I had this weird dream... about lesbian sex.

M- (about as successful as her brother trying to say "sanitizer"): My teacher has snatininizer in our class-- she's got buckets of it.

D- (while playing with M-, in a Motivational Speaker voice): Think teamwork!

J- (sweet-talking me in her usual way, describing some guy who shares my name among other similarities): He's just like you! ...But uglier.

A conversation with D-: Nitpicking is genetic

The following snippet of a larger conversation with my 6-year-old son D- is twofold evidence that he is undoubtedly my son:

Me (advising him externally and myself internally): ...Whenever something seems like it's going to be hard, you just quit before you even start.

D-: No, I don't! I START things, and when it seems hard, THEN I quit.

---

You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, (3YO daughter) M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Classic quotes, Vol. 26 - M- edition

Here are some recent quotes, this time just from my 3-year-old daughter M-:

M- (in response to helpful advice from her 6-year-old brother D- during a game with dolls): I know-- I'm careful with babies. ...But sometimes I bop them.

M- (shouting at D-, on more than one occasion): I'm NOT going to MARRY you anyMORE!

M- (apropos of nothing, while playing outside): My kids, when I have them, will have to work all day.

M- (using the The Tattling Voice): D- is tattling on me!

M- (having just walked up to me, using a conversational tone): I threw my baby in the dungeon, because at the rate she was going? She was going to JAIL. At the rate she was going...

M- (informing us of a little bit of obscure trivia): You know what chicken is made from? ... It's chickens!

Classic quotes, Vol. 25

While you're remembering our fallen troops this Memorial Day, lighten up the mood a bit with some recent quotes from my 3-year-old daughter M- and my 6-year-old son D-:

M- (just standing there, repeating herself over and over): I'm going to clean up after myself, without even a word. I'm gonna clean up the whole house, without even a word!

D- (absolutely incredulous, after my mom congratulated him for telling a grownup about something that happened): ...But I DIDN'T tell a grownup! I told DAD!! *

M- (while waxing poetic about the popsicle she was just given): Visions that are dancing through my head, are POPsicles!

D- (overheard from the playroom, in a very stern, controlled tone): No, I'm NOT playing school with you, I'm playing my own game. Stop trying to make me, or I'll just tell Dad. (unintelligible response) ... No, then you'll have no kids at ALL, because I'M. NOT. PLAYING. And if you try to PUSH me on it, I'll. Tell. Dad.

M- (towing a long string of paper behind her, pulling off a line many guys have vainly tried through history): Wanna pet my snake?? He's really long...

---

* I would make this same distinction.

A conversation between M- and J-: Victoria's open secret

While I'm ashamed at my lack of posting there in general, and especially lately, I'm glad they'll still have me over at Hot Dads, where you can read my latest post.

I'll just let the post title do all the teasing for me-- now click on over there!